Tree Joke

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, & replies, ‘It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.’


Just Like A Baby

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard.

Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy’s naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she became conscious, the guy asked, “I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?”

The girl said, “You told me it was just like a baby.”

The guy replied, “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches.”

Tree Joke
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Carpe Diem

I know what you're thinking... 'cause I'm thinking it too: Man this isn't really knee slapping comedy. But before you pass judgment, keep in mind that I'm actually pretty slow. By the time I come up with something timely and funny, eleven other people on the internet have already said it before me, and probably worded it better.

I know what you’re thinking… ’cause I’m thinking it too: Man this isn’t really knee slapping comedy. But before you pass judgment, keep in mind that I’m actually pretty slow. By the time I come up with something timely and funny, eleven other people on the internet have already said it before me, and probably worded it better.

 

Carpe Diem
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Aging Romance

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about “the good old days”.

Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?” Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, “Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?”

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?”

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, “Honey, where are you going?”

Grandpa replied, “To get my teeth!”


A Lively Lesbian Line-up

What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
…A licker cabinet.

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
…A Klondyke.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
…Militia Etheridge.

Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
…Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
…Fur Traders.

What is a lesbian dinosaur called ?
…A Lickalotapuss.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
…Well Hung.

Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
…She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
…Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.

What do you call lesbian twins?
…Lick-a-likes.

What’s the definition of confusion?
…Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
…One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker

Aging Romance
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Whale Spotting

I feel bad for the people, but I see them in grocery stores all the time and keep thinking that they seriously need to avoid the grocery and anyone else who might try to provide them with food. It's like this: If you're too fat to walk, you absolutely need to make a radical change in your life.

I feel bad for these people, but I see them in grocery stores all the time. They seriously need to avoid the grocery and anyone else who might try to provide them with food. It’s like this: If you’re too fat to walk through the store, you absolutely need to make a radical change in your life.

Whale Spotting
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