Monthly Archives: May 2014

A nice, calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the pharmacist straight in his eyes and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The woman replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord, have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! My license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You cannot have any cyanide!”
The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and calmly replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

A guy runs into a stunning hooker in a bar. After the initial ice breaker and small talk she says, “This is your lucky night. I’m running a special. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.”
The guy thinks it over and says to himself, “Hey, why not?”
He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and lays three hundred-dollar bills one at a time on the bar as he slowly says, “Paint… my… house.”
This one is kind of fun for me as it’s actually costing me $3500 to get my house painted right now.

Four nuns were in a car crash and died. They went to the Pearly Gates and stood before St. Peter.
He said: “Before I let you into heaven, I have to make sure you’re pure. Have any of you had anything to do with a man’s private parts?”
The first said: “I saw a penis once.”
Peter replied: “Wash your eyes with the holy water from the fount and then you can enter heaven.”
The second said: “I touched a man’s penis once.”
Peter replied: “Wash your hands in the fount and then you can enter heaven.”
Just then the fourth cuts in front of the third. Peter asked “what are you doing?”
She replied: “If I have to gargle with that water, I’m going to do it before Sister Ruth sits in it.”