Monthly Archives: January 2015

The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. Doctors were completely baffled and felt it was unlikely the boy would ever be able to speak.
One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “Soup’s cold.”
His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you’ve never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?”
The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything’s been okay.”

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope to ask for a favor.
The Pope says, “What can I do?”
The Colonel says, “I need you to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’. If you do it, I’ll donate $10 Million to the Vatican.”
The Pope replies, “I am sorry. That is the Lord’s Prayer and I cannot change the words.”
So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. “Listen your Excellency, I really need your help. I’ll give you $50 million if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.'”
And the Pope responds, “It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s Prayer, and I can’t change the words.”
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. “This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.”
“Let me get back to you,” says the Pope.
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.”
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, “The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.”

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’
Chuck grew up and works now for the government.

Mrs.Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye, Mrs. Donovan. Didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week, nd I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father.’
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome.’
‘And why is that?’ asked Father Flaherty.
‘To blow out yer fookin’ candle.’

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear.
“What’s the matter,” Bob asked, “flying bother you?”
“No, I’ve been transferred to Detroit. I’ve heard things are terrible there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”
Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Detroit all my life. It’s not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as you want to make it.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking. He said, “Oh, thank you! I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there, and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck.”

• I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
• You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
• Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.
• You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.
• I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
• I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
• You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.
• You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.
• Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
• I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
• I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?
• In the battle of wits you’re an unarmed man.
• Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more.

The Australian, the American and the Russian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.
The Australian said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”
The American said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”
The Russian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with vaginas this big.”
He then stretched his hands so wide it’d do the biggest fish story justice.
The Australian and the American stared in silence for a moment.
“How do you screw them then?” asked the American.
“Oh, they stretch,” replied the Russian.

A tall woman met a midget at a party.
The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment.
“I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,” said the woman, “especially with the size difference and all.”
“Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,” said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
“If you think that was good,” said the midget with a smirk, “Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!”

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”
“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.
“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”
“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”
“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.
“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”
“That son-of-a-bitch!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Trumpet, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

A couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her neck. He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hands down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful, why did you stop?”
He said, “I found the remote.”