A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed. Suddenly, at 4 O’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up and yelled, “Oh no! That must be my husband!”
Panicked and naked, the man leaped from the bed. After grabbing his shirt and trousers, he jumped out the window, smashed onto the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, and made a made dash to his car.
A few minutes later the front door opened, and the man was standing there, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him. He yelled at the woman coming down the stairs, “I’M your husband, you mad cow!”
With a cynical smirk the woman looked at him and said, “Maybe so, but why were you so keen on running?”
The US Coast Guard was out patrolling in the gulf of Mexico when they spotted a small boat speeding towards the Texas shoreline. They decided to intercept the vessel to determine what they were up to. On board, they discovered three Mexicans.
“So what are you three doing heading towards the US?” asked the captain.
“We’re here to invade and take over the United States,” the three amigos replied.
The captain laughed, “Just you three?”
“Actually, we’re the last three,” said one of the Mexicans. “The other 12 million of us are already in your country.”
It shouldn’t really matter. I mean, I really like running this site, no matter how many people visit on a regular basis… but the analytics were still off by a lot more than I expected.
It’s mainly attacks from server farms, China, Russia, Ukraine, and various other hackers who routinely visit the site in order to scan for security weaknesses. It made the site appear to have more visitors than it actually did. I added some new rules to the htaccess file in order to bail them overboard so I could see truer numbers. The results were a little disheartening.
First of all, I should mention what I did. I added a few simple lines to the .htaccess file that redirected any visitor who snoops around wp-login or wp-config to google.com. That was it. For some reason my stat counter considers these valid visits when they obviously aren’t. The htaccess redirect prevents them from ever actually reaching this site.
The good news is that after redirecting those obvious bots, the number of visitors is not zero. Real people actually come here, and some of you come here on a fairly regular basis. Thanks for that. It means a lot, and I appreciate your choosing Flush Twice.
The bad news is, the numbers are embarrassingly low, and if you take away the people who googled “Ginger Jokes”, it gets even lower still. The total number of visits from actual humans is currently under fifty per day. All things considered it’s really not that bad, as it always appears to be over thirty.
Back in its heyday, Flush Twice was getting over 500 uniques per day. That may sound like bullshit, but back then, there weren’t as many cool websites to visit, and I was able to plug this site in forums. Today, plugging a site on a forum can get you banned or doxed, so I’m not taking any chances. Also, people have a lot more choices and slicker marketing campaigns targeting them. Small, independent sites like Flush Twice get shoved to the side, and nearly forgotten.
You also have to take into consideration that many internet users hang out on Twitter, Facebook. Pintrest, YouTube, and other heavyweight sites. They don’t have any incentive to venture out from their walled gardens, and so they don’t. Strangely, even when a heavyweight site noticeably increases their agitation level, they still won’t leave it. (I know this because I had to kick my own unhealthy addiction to reddit.)
But you came here today, and for that I thank you.
Pax,
-f2x
PS: In case you noticed (which I doubt, but still…) I changed the category for these asides from “News” to “Sunday Rant”. It should be fairly obvious as to why: It’s not really news, I’m usually ranting, and except for about three posts, they’re always on a Sunday. So there you have it. If you were thinking, “Hey did it always say ‘Sunday Rant’?”, it’s not your mind playing tricks, I really did change it.
An Indian walked into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.
He said to the man behind the counter, “Me want coffee.”
With a smile the man said, “Sure chief, coming right up.”
After getting a tall mug of coffee, the Indian drank it down in one gulp. Immediately following, he threw the bucket of manure into the air and blasted it with the shotgun. While everyone ducked for cover, the Indian just walked out.
The next morning the Indian returned. He had his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walked up to the counter and said, “Me want coffee”.
The man behind the counter said, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. Would you mind telling us what that was that all about, anyway?”
The Indian smiled and proudly said, “Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, then disappear for rest of day.”
A police officer pulled over a man who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He went up to the window and said, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man said, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine,” said the officer, who was being more than reasonable. “I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either,” said the man. “I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
Annoyed, but determined to remain reasonable the officer said, “Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
Yesterday marked 10 years to the day of my mother's passing. Dad and I went out to dinner to pay homage in her memory. Like the decade before, I never would have dreamed we'd end up where we did.
I still maintain that somewhere along the way, I ended up in the "bad timeline". I'm not saying that things are all that bad, or that I regret my decisions. On the contrary, I'm where I am today in spite of my decisions. No matter what choices I could have made, this is where I was fated to be... and it's so unsatisfying.
On a lighter note
My comic is 20 years old this month! Think about it... 20 years ago I started putting pictures of stick figures up here in an attempt to dress up a rather boring hand coded html page. Seeing how it started and how it turned out is kind of neat. It has certainly gone through some dramatic changes from those original daily panels to my current sporadic offerings. I wish I could have combined the naive wit of my youth with my current "drawing" abilities. I've become far too jaded in my old age and it puts a damper on my creativity.
Of course looking back at some of my early work, I'm not so sure my "wit" was all that great either. The "art" was definitely bad... And now that I'm looking at it, the gags weren't really all that great either, but I was putting out a daily panel rather consistently for a while there.
Yeah, now that I think about it... those old comics sucked. As I'm glancing through them I feel myself cringing in disgust... Wow... Maybe I do have some regrets after all! Oh those wasted hours I spent navel gazing to come up with crap that makes Chis Chan look inspired! Thank god no one is actually reading this shit!
So to wrap it up...
Happy New Year, everybody! I'm really not sure how much stuff I'll add to Flush Twice in '24, but I'll get to it whenever I get the chance. Be sure to like and subscribe, and leave a comment down below if there's anything you'd like to see happen over the next 12 months.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
