Pinocchio and Gepetto

Pinocchio was talking to Gepetto. He said, “My dick is all jagged and crooked. It’s become a real problem when I’m with the girls.”

“You know, Pinocchio,” said Gepetto, “I didn’t care too much about that detail, but go to the shop, get some sandpaper, and you should be able to fix it.”

A couple days later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, “Well, did you resolve your problem with the girls?”

Pinocchio replied, “Now that I know how to use sandpaper, who needs girls?”

Field Trip to the Farm

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.

The farmer asks one little girl, “What’s the difference between a rooster and a hen?”

“The hen lays eggs.” replied the little girl.

“Very good!” answered the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl, “What’s the difference between a duck and a turkey?”

“Well,” replied the little girl. “Turkeys can’t swim, and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day.”

“Very good!” exclaimed the farmer.

Then he asks little Johnny, “Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?”

“Yes, I do,” replied little Johnny from the city. “Bulls smile when you milk them!”

Close Encounter at the Gas Station

Two aliens walked up to a gas pump. One of them said, “Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, being a gas pump, didn’t respond.

The alien repeated, “Take us to your leader, now!”

Again, no response.

Now irate, the alien pulled out his ray gun and aimed it at the pump. “Take us to your leader or I’ll shoot!” he shouted.

The second alien cried out, “No wait, don’t shoot!”. But it was too late. The first alien fired, and an enormous explosion launched both of them off of the the ground.

As the smoke and dust cleared, the two aliens lied bloodied in the smoldering wreckage. One said to the other, “How did you know I shouldn’t have shot him?”

And the second one replied, “When you’ve been round the galaxy as much as I have, you learn one thing. If a guy can wrap his penis round himself twice and stick it in his ear, you don’t fuck with him.”

Fresh Fellow’s Fetish

Johnny’s mother was cleaning his room. While putting his clothes away, she noticed some very graphic BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Johnny’s mother waited until her husband came home, then showed him the perverted pulp.

The mother said, “I don’t want this smut in the house. What do you think we should do?”

“I have no idea,” said the father, “but I’m sure as hell not spanking him.”

Lie Detecting Robot

A father bought a lie detector robot that slapped people when they told a lie.

He decided to test it out at dinner one night. The father asked his son what he did that afternoon.

The son said, “I did some schoolwork.”

The robot slapped the son.

The son said, “OK, OK. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

The father asked, “What movie did you watch?”

The son said, “Toy Story.”

The robot slapped the son again.

Son said, “OK, OK, we were watching porn.”

Dad said, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”

Just then the robot slapped the father.

The mother started to laugh and said, “Well, he’s certainly your son after all!”

And the robot slapped the mother.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Cord Cutting Conundrums

Although I’ve dabbled with cable a few times in my adult life, I’m what you might call a cord cutter. In fact, I cut that cord long before the term cord cutter was even in vogue. In the early days, I used to use rabbit ears and a VCR. This was back when dial-up was still popular, so YouTube hadn’t even been invented yet.

As time passed by, different avenues of entertainment presented themselves. Oh, sure, I’ve used torrents here and there… Who hasn’t? If you don’t have a DVR, it’s a pretty reliable way of catching last nights episode of “The Big Bang Theory”. On the other hand, it’s not something that you can easily explain to family and coworkers, not to mention it’s somewhat frowned upon.

Netflix is currently my go-to for streaming TV and movies. I’m also an Amazon Prime member, so I’ve got some options there too. Toss in Pluto, Crackle, YouTube, and suddenly you’ve got a pretty decent lineup of shows at your fingertips.

But now my dad wants to cut the cord. The cost of cable and dish has gotten too expensive, and he’s looking for options. Naturally, I’m sharing my Amazon and Netflix with him (not against the rules BTW) and he’s even played around with Kodi. Apparently there’s even apps out there that let you stream live TV, so I got him an Android TV box.

Since he lives about 30 miles away, I also got a box so I could tryout different setups… Well, I tell ya, this little time vampire is not yet ready for Prime Time. It’s frustrating as hell. Lots of problems with apps freezing, or just being plain broken. Then there are the rather dubious “services” that want you to sign up. All in all, it just doesn’t lend to a very satisfying TV viewing experience.

But there’s something about this device that holds promise. Something about it makes me think that if I found the right combinations of apps, this little device could be the answer my dad is looking for.

Then again, it could just be another colossal waste of time.

Pax,

f2x

In a Bar in Arkansas

On a sales assignment in Arkansas, he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.

After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

“Say, how old are you anyway?” he asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

“Thirteen,” she replied with a shy smile.

“Thirteen??? My God, girl! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?” he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and asked, “What, are you superstitious?”

Teen Sex in Modern Times

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her, and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, “Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!”

The Armani shoes

Luigi walked to work every day. Each way he passed a shoe store. Each time he couldn’t help himself but to stop, look in the window and admire a particular pair of Armani shoes.

He wanted those shoes so much. It was all he could think about.

After about 2 months he saved every last penny to get the $300 he needed to buy the shoes.

Every Friday the Italian community held a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seized the opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asked Sophia to dance and as they dance he asked her, “Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?”

Startled, Sophia replied, “Yes, Luigi , I am wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?”

Luigi answered, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.”

With a smile he moved on.

Next he asked Rosa to dance, and after a while he asked, “Rosa , are you wearing white panties tonight?”

Rosa answered, “Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?”

He replied, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.”

With a coy laugh he moved on.

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played Luigi asked Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turned red. He asked, ‘Carmela, my sweetheart, Please, please tell me you are wearing no panties tonight. Please, please, tell me this true!”

Carmela smiled coyly and answered, “Yes Luigi , I am not wearing panties tonight.”

Luigi gasped, “Oh thank God! I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes!”