The Maid Wants a Raise

The maid approached the lady of the house and asked for a pay increase. The woman was not so easily persuaded, but she asked, “Now, Maria, by what rational do you expect a pay increase?”

Maria lowered her head and looked off to the side before she spoke, “Well, I have three reasons why should increase my pay. The first is that I iron better than you.”

“Who said you iron better than me?” retorted the woman.

“Your husband!” remarked Maria. “He says so! The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

“Nonsense!” scoffed the woman. “Who told you that?”

“Your husband did,” said Maria. “The third reason is that I am better at making love than you.”

The woman was practically livid at this point. Through her gritted teeth she asked, “And did my husband say that as well?”

“No,” said Maria. “The gardener did.”

“So how much do you want?”

Panty Plead

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.

“After all, dear,” she said, “you wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?”

“No,” her husband cooly replied. “but I would not expect to find gift wrap on a dead beaver either.”

The Baby’s Checkup

A woman brought a baby to the doctor’s office for a check up. Everything seemed normal during the exam, but the doctor was a little concerned about the baby’s weight.

“Is the baby breast or bottle fed?” asked the physician.

“Breast fed,” she replied.

“Well let’s have a look then. Could you please remove your top?” the doctor requested.

The woman removed her blouse and exposed her breasts to the doctor. He proceeded to pinch her nipples. Then he pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both of them in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m the child’s grandmother, but I’m sure glad I came.”

Sunday February 4, 2018

Settling In

As boldly announced late Thursday, we have a new web host running on a more modern platform. This upgrade came with a bittersweet realization. Flush Twice sees less than 40 visitors per day.

How do we know this? Well, on the backend of this site I run a visitor counter. Now in the past, it was polluted with crawlers and spambots. You could tell because it showed the most recent IP addresses, and randomly checking an address number would rarely be originating from an ISP, which would have indicated a person. Instead, most of the IP address turned out to be from some random hosting site, which would indicate a bot.

Fortunately the new host has something that naturally filters out around 99% of the bots: Enforced SSL encryption. Because bots don’t typically want to waste their time trying to establish a secure connection, forced encryption is like spraying Lysol on bacteria, but in this case the bacteria are the bots.

Even though that number is barely over a single visitor every hour, I’m actually impressed by how high that number still is. And you know what? I feel confident that this number will increase over time.

Furthermore, I replaced the old “NewStatPress” with “WP Statistics”. I couldn’t do that on the old hosting site because their version of PHP was too old. As a result I get a few extra bells and whistles. I’m being fully transparent. Every post has a hit count at the bottom of it, and if you’re reading this in the sidebar, you’ll see the visitor count for today and yesterday below this post. Keep in mind that “today” starts at midnight EST.

So there you have it. I only wish people would send me more jokes. My current contributors are a little burnt out, and it’s looking pretty thin in the queue… Oh I better stipulate the jokes have to be ones we haven’t posted before, and they should be funny. Don’t worry about format or spelling, because I’ll clean that up when I post them. Anyway, send me your best jokes, and if you have a friend that always forwards them to you, then forward them to me! As always my e-mail address is flush2x@gmail.com

Pax,

-f2x

Hypnotic Havoc

When her husband walked in the door, the wife excitedly told him, “Dear, you know those headaches I’ve been having all of these years? Well, they’re finally gone!”

The husband was impressed and asked how she did it.

The woman explained, “I went to that new hypnotist in town, and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache.’ Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone now.”

The husband was curious. His prowess in the bedroom had been on the decline over the years and wondered if the hypnotist could help him as well. His wife encouraged him to try it, and the next day he made an appointment.

Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband came home, ripped off his clothes, picked up his wife and carried her into the bedroom. He laid her on the bed and said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He disappeared into the bathroom for a moment and then came back to make sweet, passionate love to his wife like never before.

Basking in the afterglow his wife said, “That was wonderful!”

The husband said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.”

He went back into the bathroom, came back a moment later, and jumped in for round two with his wife. It was even better than the first time!

Her head was spinning, but the wife sat up and said, “This is amazing!”

Her husband again said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back,” and slipped into the bathroom yet again.

This time his wife was curious. She quietly crept to the door and peeked through the open crack to see how he was doing it.

There he was standing in front of the mirror saying, “She is not my wife. She is NOT my wife. She is NOT MY WIFE!”

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Major Behind The Scenes Change!

I’m very pleased to announce that Flush Twice has successfully been migrated to a new webhost!

What? Why? Is this still the same site?

Yes, I’m still in charge around here, and everything is running great. I just signed on to be hosted by SiteGround for MANY reasons, but here’s a few things you can enjoy:

  • Faster page loads!
  • More reliable uptime!

… and my favorite:

  • —- HTTPS! —-

The other thing I like is they actually do have 24/7 customer support. My trusty old webhost of 12 years was bought out by Endurance International Group a while back, and they pretty much got rid of all their technical support. When I had a back-end issue with Flush Twice, I couldn’t get ahold of anyone to help me. SiteGrounds has support, https, and a more modern interface.

It’s taken me a while to figure out this new hosting site, but I think we’re gonna like it here.

Pax,

-f2x

Sisters of Scandal

A meeting was called about a troubling matter. Mother superior stood before the other sisters flanked by Monsignor Francis.

“I feel it is our duty to inform you of something very serious,” began the Reverend Mother. “We have discovered a case of gonorrhea within the walls of our convent.”

“Thank God,” said Sister Agnes from the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”