Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress


Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.


The only way that I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both breasts. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.


Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine.


I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps – I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my fist. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Shopping Channel.


I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a vasectomy.

– T.O.R.

A feminist rock band decided they wanted to put a woman’s clitoris on their album cover

They got an artist to make a painting of a woman’s clit and put it on the album. To their surprise, the album was released but they waited.

As expected, they got a call from the record company screaming, “This cover is a disaster! We’re getting flooded with complaints!”

The lead singer said, “Why? From old ladies who complained about seeing a natural part of a woman’s body?”

“No, from guys who say they can’t find the album!”

— T.O.R.

A Smooth Talking Canadian

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persisted and asked to see the manager.
The boy said he’d ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?
Canada Sir, the boy replied.
Well, why did you leave Canada, the manager asked.
The boy said Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.
Really, said the manager. My wife is from Canada.
‘No shit’ replied the boy. Who’d she play for?

Little Johnny’s tale of woe

Teacher: What’s wrong?

Little Johnny: Our house is very small. Me, my mum,my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, ‘Little Johnny are you sleeping?’ Then I say No and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye”

Teacher: Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don’t answer.

The following morning Little Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher: My goodness why the black eye again?

Little Johnny: Dad asked me again, Little Johnny are you sleeping? And I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing very heavy, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, are you coming? Mum said, Yes I’m coming, are you coming too? Dad answered, yes. They don’t usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I’m coming too!

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole. Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had a stick. Susie’s father stated “you have a garage and Johnny is just a sports car trying to park. Don’t let him park in your garage!”

So a few days pass and sure enough, Johnny and Susie are playing naked again — when Johnny proudly stands up and says “Susie, let me park my Ferrari in your garage”, to which she refuses. Johnny continues to insist on parking his Ferrari until Susie has had enough and goes home.

When Susie gets home, her mother asks “Susie… what’s all that red stuff on your hands?” To which Susie replied:

“Johnny tried to park his Ferrari in my garage, so I ripped the back wheels off”

– The Oldet Rater, and happy birthday whenever it is.

Shamelessly stolen from Reddit because I don’t remember seeing it before.

The Midget Horse Shopper

This man owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I’m sending him over.” The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth”, the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?” So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s eyes. “Ok, what about the eerth?” Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears. “OK, finally, can I see her twat?” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?

Another Collection of Adult Jokes

1) A soldier’s wife sends him her nude photo with both legs wide open …
“Darling, I’ll wait like this till you come back!”
Soldier: That’s great. But who has taken this photograph??
2) Girl Friend: I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table …
Boyfriend climbs into bed slowly & says: Honey, would you pass the boobs please?
3) Husband is praying before going to bed …
Wife: What are you praying for?
Husband: For guidance.
Wife: Pray for hardness. Leave guidance to me!!
4) A collage student comes to his class with broken spectacles …
Teacher: What happened?
Boy: I was kissing my Girlfriend.
Teacher: But how did your spectacles break?
Boy: She closed her legs!!
5) What’s the difference between a man & a woman …
A man always has the same DICK between his legs all his life …
A woman MAY NOT😁😁😁😁
6) After her operation, a blonde to the Doctor: How soon can I resume my sex life?
Dr: You are the first patient to ask this question after a tonsil operation!!
7) During sex, Man suddenly stops and remains motionless.
He then starts again and after some time stops to remain motionless once again.
This goes on for quite some time.
Wife: What the hell are you doing?
Man: I have seen this new technique on an internet porn site…
Wife : Stupid……. it is due to Buffering
8. Tension is when wife is pregnant! Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant! Horror is when both are pregnant! Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!🙊🙈🙉😊😊
9. The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the
sea tasted salty?
10. Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you? To see if you really mean it!!
Why is sex similar to shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.
11. Wives are funny creatures. They don’t have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does..
12. Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex. Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
13. The stock markets are now like an old man’s dick? Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting screwed!
14. This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan ……. “We stare because we care!”
15. The saddest part of a man’s body is his balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced them to “Hang Till Death!”
16. A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me…. twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn’t you call me in after he screwed you the first time?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
17. What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
18. If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
And if it bursts in a man’s underwear? Banana splits..
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Linda not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday” 😬😱😜😝😝

The Butcher’s Baby

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?

He said he’d offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18. She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 18 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 18 years and watch the expression on his face

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they’d get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling “Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!”

Helicopter Ride

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel.
The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said.
When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”
Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”