Rape Jokes

So who here wants to play a game of rape?
No? That’s the spirit!

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape… or shoplifting?

Yesterday, I told my coworker a joke about rape and he said, “If you think making jokes about rape is funny then you’re wrong. My wife got raped and trust me, it’s not funny.”
Feeling slightly ashamed, I said, “Sorry. When did this happen?”
“Last week,” he replied.
I paused for a moment and asked, “Behind the bus station?”
He said, “Yeah. Why?”
“Er… no reason.”

When people ask me what I do, I tell them I test rape alarms.
It sounds better than saying I’m a rapist.

Two white guys were walking past a Police Station.
A big poster at the front reads “Two black men wanted for rape!”
One guy turns to the other and says “Those bastards always get the best jobs”.

Me and six friends were sitting in a room; we got onto the subject of rape.
The only girl in the room said, “I’ve often wondered if I’m strong enough to stop someone trying to rape me.”
Turns out she’s not.

How do you stop a rape?

What has eight legs and makes women scream?
Gang rape!

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to hear my latest rape joke.
She said no, but I just went ahead and told her anyway.

In an argument with my girlfriend yesterday, she shouted at me:
“Stop making jokes about rape! How do you think the women feel?
“Depends on the girth,” was probably not the best response.

A woman runs into a police station shouting, “Grape! Grape!”
The cop says, “Don’t you mean rape, ma’am?”
The woman says, “No, there were bunch of them!”

Last night I stopped a woman in the park and said, “Give me your purse before I rape you.”
She instantly handed me her purse and said, “Take it.”
I said, “Thanks for co-operating, sometimes after I’ve raped a woman I feel guilty about taking her purse.”

If you ever want to get away with rape, simply hire a wolf outfit from a fancy dress shop.
On the first night tap on a young girl’s window, and before her parents come, run away and hide.
On the second night, repeat.
On the third night, STRIKE – no one will ever believe her.

I am a male prostitute.
I say that, but really I just rape women and steal their money.

What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumb and blind girl?
Brake her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”

Rape Jokes
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Boasting Veterans

A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. “My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”

“Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”

“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”

“Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know. “Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

Boasting Veterans
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Getting Out Of The Army

True story! My contract is up, and I’m finally leaving the military. I’ve met a lot of really excellent people during my time as a soldier. Here is a short list of the things my Officers and NCO’s have had to say about me:

  • I would not breed from this soldier.
  • This soldier is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t-be.
  • When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
  • He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
  • He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
  • Technically sound, but socially impossible.
  • This soldier reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
  • This soldier has delusions of adequacy.
  • Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
  • He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  • This soldier should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
  • This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

I’m going to miss the Army! :.-)

Getting Out Of The Army
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Labor Pains

A wife is going into labor at the hospital with her husband close by. The doctors comes in and says “we have a brand new device just invented by world class scientists that allows the father of a child to take some of the mother’s pain while she’s giving birth.”

The doctor asks if the husband is interested and he replies, “I would like to be the first to use this device. I want my wife to be as comfortable as possible.”

The wife’s labor intensifies and she begins to writhe in distress, so the husband asks for 20% of the pain. The doctor hooks up the device and amazingly the wife becomes more calm and the writhing stops. The husband says, “Wow this is nothing doc I can take more, go ahead and crank it up to 50%, I want my wife to be even more comfortable.”

So the doctor accepts his request and gives the husband half of the pain. Almost instantly the wife stops crying out in pain and is giving birth in near silence. The husband is satisfied but notices she is still in some pain so he says, “I can’t go on seeing her uncomfortable, go ahead and give me 100% I can take it.”

The doctor reluctantly agrees and transfers all the the wife’s pain to the husband. The husband is once again unimpressed by the pain and says, ” Wow this is nothing. I knew women exaggerated childbirth, I hardly feel anything.”

Not long after the couple gives birth to a baby boy. They stay overnight for tests and are released from the hospital the next day. They arrive home with their new bundle of joy and find the mailman dead on the front porch.

Labor Pains
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The Welfare Office Incident

A man walks into the welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, “You know, I hate drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well … You started it.”

The Welfare Office Incident
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