A Little Pasta Humor

Did you hear? Al-Qaeda have hidden bombs in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti.

If they go off, they could spell disaster!

What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?

They both wriggle when you eat them.

Here’s a new Pasta Diet guaranteed to help you lose weight!

You walk pasta grocery, you walk pasta restaurants and fast food chains, and you keep on walking pasta your refrigerator!

A rather successful American businessman went on trip to Italy to expand his company’s operations over seas. While he was there, he had an extramarital affair with a young Italian girl. Not long after, she came sobbing to him and told him that she was pregnant by him and didn’t know what to do.

“Don’t worry my dear,” he said. “I’m very wealthy and I’ll see to the child’s needs and yours so long as you can be discreet and not reveal to my wife of our affair.” The businessman gave her a mailing address and went back to the States.

Sure enough, nine months later he was sitting in his den at home when his wife came in with the mail. She remarked, “That’s strange. You got a postcard today from Italy. It says you need to send payment for three spaghetti dinners, two with meatballs, one without.

Why don’t Italians like to barbecue?

Because the spaghetti keeps falling through the grill!

A Little Pasta Humor
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I’ll just order off the fork.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks maybe the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork in your snatch before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here”
I’ll just order off the fork.
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Expensive Nuts

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he’s ever seen in his life.  The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise, and asks:  “Ess-tues me ser?”

“Yes sir,” replied the clerk.
“Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?”
“Pistachio’s?  They’re six dollars a pound.”
“SSit!” The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks “Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?”
“Almonds?  They’re seven fifty a pound.”
“SSIT!  tas pensive” Replied the tongue-tied man.
“Welp, how bout your pikanns?”
“Pecans?  They’re on sale today, they’re only four fifty a pound.”
“Welp, Ssit.  Just div me a poulnd of dose dhen.”
“Alright then,” says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans.
Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk:”Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan’t hep it.”
The clerk replies with a smile.  “Oh sir, you don’t have to thank me for that.  I don’t make fun of anybody, for any thing!  I don’t know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose.”
The tongue-tied guy replies, “Oh, is dat your noze?  I tought dat wuz your penuz since your nutz arr so damn high!”
Expensive Nuts
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Just tossing it out there…

17 Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex

1. Your hand always lets you finish first.

2. It’s free.

3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It’s all I can get.

4. You call the position.

5. “Premature ejaculation” ? hehehe

6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.

7. Your privates are your best friend.

8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.

9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.

10. Easier to join their “Mile High Club.”

11. You get to scream out your own name.

12. Peeing is considered foreplay.

13. Nobody ever says, “Why is it all green and wrinkly?”

14. You’ll never have two women, but you’ll always have two HANDS!

15. Four words: “Brad Pitt hand puppet.”

16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.

17. Don’t have to clean up fur afterward.

Just tossing it out there…
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The Old and the Young


The Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted..

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to fuck off.

…And Young Love

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window, “Yes, Officer?”

The trooper asks, “What are you doing?”

The young man says, “I’m reading a magazine, sir.”

Pointing toward the young woman in the back seat the trooper says, “What is she doing?”

The young man shrugs, “I think she’s just filing her fingernails, officer.”

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car on a lover’s lane at night and nothing indecent is happening? “How old are you, young man?” Inquired the officer.

“I’m 22, sir,” he replied.

“And what’s her age?” the officer demanded.

The young man looks at his watch and replied, “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

The Old and the Young
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