A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the café and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking starving!”
A trumpet player was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to an older couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, bondage, sado masochism, and at one point even a dog came in a started humping everyone on screen. After a while, the embarrassed trumpeter turned to the couple and said, “I wouldn’t normally go to a movie like this, but I was the musician they hired. I’m only here to to see how the music turned out.” “I know how you feel,” replied the elderly man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
A burglar broke into a house (as most burglars do) and proceeded to rifle through the belongings of the owner, looking for something valuable to steal. Suddenly he heard a creaky voice speak: “Jesus is watching you.” He looked around but saw no one. He continued his looting spree and again the voice said, “Jesus is watching you.” The burglar spun around and came face to face with a parrot on its perch. “Did you say that?” asked the burglar. “Yes, and Jesus is watching you,” said the parrot. The burglar chuckled and asked, “So what’s your name, little guy?” “Clarence,” spoke the bird. “That’s a silly name for a parrot. Who named you that?” asked the thief. “The same guy who named the rottweiler Jesus,” remarked Clarence.
A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover after St. Paddy’s day. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing on the dresser beside him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!” Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, “Son, what happened last night?” His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. You puked in the hall and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door”. Confused, the man asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean with breakfast on the table waiting for me? I would have expected a big argument with her!” His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes off, you said, ‘Leave me alone, lady! I’m a happily married man!'”
It was nine o’clock Monday morning as the men in the office gathered around the water cooler discussing last Friday’s “Steak and Blowjob day”. Each tale got kinkier than the last as they attempted to out-brag one another. Just then Mike walked up to the group. “Hey, Mike,” said one of the men in the group, “did your wife give you a pretty good Steak and Blowjob day?” “Not exactly,” sighed Mike. “The only thing that sucked on Friday was the steak.”
Yesterday's comic was inspired by the fact that I woke up with a mildly sore throat on Friday. Now to be honest, I'm a big baby when it comes to getting sick. You can forget about me even coming into work for a day or so; at least until I can get my shit together.
Fortunately it's the weekend, and I was able to get it soothed. I made some homemade chicken noodle soup, and that pretty much helped knock the sick right out of me.
Of course if I hadn't been able to take care of it right away, and I had pushed myself to work or what have you, I would currently be a flaming bag of snot and pain. I really don't need that right now.
Kudos and Promos
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