One day, an engineer died and went to heaven, but St. Peter said “I can’t let you in because your name is not on the list.”
So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. He stayed there for a couple of days and decided that it was too hot and everything was inhospitable. So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things.
One day God calls down and says to Satan, “So Satan, how’s it down there in hell?”
Satan says, “It’s great! I’ve got an engineer down here, and he has built air conditioning, running water, flushing toilets, and I don’t know what else he’s gonna build next!”
God responds, “You’ve got an engineer down there? That’s a big mistake! Send him up here right now!”
“No way,” said Satan. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to hell.”
“Send him up, or I’ll sue your ass!” threatened God.
With an evil smirk, Satan notes, “Now just where do you think you’re gonna get a lawyer?”
A guy frantically runs to the pet store on Christmas Eve and goes up to the owner, “I need a puppy for my wife for Christmas. I know I’ve left it late but can you please help!?”
The store owner replies, “Sorry son. you’re shit out of luck… it being Christmas Eve and all. The cute pets are all gone.”
“Well,” says the man, “Do you have anything left?”
“Actually,” says the owner, “I got this African bullfrog in back you should take a look at.”
“African bullfrog?!” the man retorts. “Why the fuck would she want an African bullfrog?”
The store’s owner just said, “Trust me,” and took the man in the back to show him the frog
“This thing is ugly as shit. Her Christmas is going to be ruined!” cried the man.
“Trust me on this,” said the owner.”Stick your dick in its mouth.”
Shrugging the guy thinks why not and go’s ahead. To his amazement the bullfrog sucks him like a Dyson. It’s easily the best oral sex he’s had since college. “Dear Lord! I’ll take it!!!”
Christmas morning comes and he hands his wife the gift wrapped box which she duly opens. “Oh honey you shouldn’t have… WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?”
“Its an African bullfrog,” said the man.
In a pissed off tone the wife asks, “What am I supposed to do with an African bullfrog?”
“Teach it to cook, then fuck off!”
A zebra dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. He decided to ask him a question that had been nagging him his whole life. “Peter, am I a white horse with black stripes, or am I a black horse with white stripes?”
Peter is stumped, so he tells the zebra to ask God himself. So the zebra clip clops into heaven, and one day meets God. He finally gets enough courage to approach him and asks the same question he asked at the gates.
God immediately replies “You are what you are, son.”
The zebra is even more confused than ever. After a few days, the zebra runs into Peter once again, and tells him what God told him.
“Oh, you’re a white horse with black stripes!”
The zebra asks Peter how he could have possibly deduced that from God’s answer.
“Well, if you were a black horse with white stripes, he would have told you ‘You is what you is’.”
Miss Snow White was a randy cow, and desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods, to try and get some luck!
She’d almost given up looking, when she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage, and went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds, and she’d just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarves came marching in, with a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless, and thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag, but now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command, “My fanny needs a lick!”
And when one dwarf moved forward, she said “You’d better drop your pick!”
So down he went onto all fours, and said “I ain’t licking that!”
“Not there! That’s my asshole, you DOPEY little brat!”
The next dwarf started blushing, “Do we have to do it here?”
Snow White said “Don’t be BASHFUL! Unless you’re fucking queer!”
So reluctantly he whipped it out, to prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big “Heigh-Ho” as she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn’t smiling, ‘cos he hadn’t had a sniff.
And due to his impatience, he couldn’t raise a stiff.
“Relax, you GRUMPY bastard”, so he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough, he shot his fucking load.
The next dwarf got a blow job, and she took him in quite easy.
But she nearly suffered brain-damage when he sneezed, so he was SNEEZY.
With three dwarves left, she turned and said, “You’re next, I want your knob!”
But no sooner than he entered her, he was sleeping on the job.
“Wake up you SLEEPY idiot!” as she wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement, that he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed it up her, and shagged her fanny raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered, “That should be against the law!”
He made poor Snow White tremble, for he was so big and thick.
“No wonder you’re so HAPPY, with that fucking great big dick.”
With one dwarf still remaining, but feeling rather sore,
She said “You’ll have to use your tongue, my clit can’t take no more!”
And so he put his tongue to work, where others put their cocks.
And ‘cos he made Snow White feel better, she named the last one DOC.
Now Snow White couldn’t do much, with their cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted, and filled it to the brim.
So there’s the truth about the dwarves, and how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White, and joining in her games.
There’s one more thing you need to know, and that’s what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you’re drinking…
When you’re drinking 7-UP!!
A 18 year old girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take responsibility for my actions.”
“I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”
“Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.”
“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.”
“If twins, they will each receive a factory and $2,000,000.”
“Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.”
“However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…
“You fuck her again.”