Monthly Archives: January 2014

Bill and Jeff both like to golf. One day they were playing a round of golf together and Bill said, “Hey look at this great ball!”
Jeff replied, “Whats so great about it?”
Bill said, “Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!”
“Wow!”, said Jeff, “Where did you get that from?”
Bill replied, “I found it.”

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the womans spray can! He ran over to the woman and asked, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:”Hare Spray Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.”Ever have an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”
“Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.”
“Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how.”
 

A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, “Jump, frog, jump!”
The frog jumped across the room.The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, “Frog with four legs jumped eight feet.”
Then he cut the frogs front legs off. Again he ordered, “Jump, frog, jump!”
The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet. After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, “Frog with two legs jumped three feet.”
Next, the biologist cut off the frogs back legs. Once more, he shouted, “Jump, frog, jump!”
The frog just lay there. ”Jump, frog, jump!” the biologist repeated. Nothing.
The biologist noted in his journal, “Frog with no legs – lost its hearing.”

A man was walking along the beach when he found a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp, and not one, but two genies popped out. The genies told the man that they will grant him 3 wishes.
The man made his wishes, and the next thing he knew he was waking up in the most comfortable bed in a huge gorgeous room. He looked around and noticed that he is in an incredible mansion. Even better, he is surrounded by 50 of the most beautiful women that he has ever seen. The man thinks aloud, “Those two genies really made my wishes come true!” He proceeded to check out the rest of his new house.
Along the way, the doorbell rang. He answered it, and standing outside are two clansmen. They grabbed him, drug him outside and hung him from a tree in the front lawn. As they took off their masks, it became apparent that they were the two genies. “I understood the first two wishes” said one genie to the other.
“I know,” said the second genie. “To be extremely rich, and be surrounded by beautiful women. But who in their right mind wants to be hung like a black man?”

Mother Theresa died and went to heaven. Saint Peter was waiting at the gate. He welcomed her and gave her a small golden halo to wear. She put it on and stepped into heaven.
Saint Peter was showing her around and introducing her to people when she looked over and saw Princess Diana. Princess Di had a huge halo, much bigger than hers, and it’s encrusted with jewels.
Mother Theresa looked at St. Peter and said “Excuse me, but why is her halo so much larger than mine? I worked my entire life to make the world a better place. I cared for the poor, healed the sick, and fed the starving. I was practically a saint. She does a little bit of charity work for a few years, and she gets that fancy halo and I get this little thing?”
Saint Peter leaned in and whispered “That’s not a halo. That’s her steering wheel.”

A man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he’d go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher’s sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
“Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damn fine sermon.”
The preacher winced and said, “Why thank you sir, but we don’t used profanity in the house of the Lord.”
Not getting the hint, the man replied, “But seriously, I’m not a religious man, but that was the best damn sermon I ever heard.”
The preacher was getting a little miffed and retorted, “Sir, while I appreciate what you’re trying to say, I must be blunt: Do not use curse words in the Lord’s house again.”
Realizing what the preacher was telling him he changed to a more humble tone and said, “Well, anyway, I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $5000 dollars in the collection plate”.
“No Shit?” said the Preacher.

A boat sinks in the ocean and three survivors, two men and a woman, make it onto a life boat. After a couple of days they landed on a small island with everything they needed to survive. Fresh water, fruit, and animals were all plentiful. While on the island, nature takes its course, and after two years the woman couldn’t stand sleeping with the two men any more. Knowing there was no way for her to escape, she hung herself.
Now only the two men remained. Being lonely, isolated, and unable to control their libidos, nature took a different course. After another couple years had passed, one man says to the other, “We can’t go on doing this any more. Its just not right.”
With a heavy sigh, his companion replies, “You’re right. We’ll bury her body tomorrow.”

Why did so many kids die at Sandy Hook?
They weren’t allowed to run in the hall.
The kids at Sandy Hook went to the library to get a book, but instead, they got a few magazines.
What do you call a 10 year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor
What has more brains than a Sandy Hook student?
The wall behind it.
Why didn’t the world end on Dec 21st, 2012?
Because we sacrificed 20 virgins on Dec 14th
Why did the shooter kill all the kids?
He was a strong proponent of No Child Left Behind.
How many Sandy Hook kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to move the bodies out of the way and one to screw it in.
I know… I know… These Sandy Hook jokes are getting old… not like those children.
Sandy Hook Bumper Sticker:
“My kid shot your honour student!”