A laff a day keeps worries at bay:

A lawyer went out bear hunting and spotted one in the bushes and blasted away. The lawyer investigated but couldn’t find the bear. As he was about to give up, he felt tap tap on his shoulder and when he turned around saw the bear.
The bear said: “You know, it’s not bear hunting season?”
The Lawyer answered: “Yes, I know.” The bear took the rifle and smashed it on a rock, threw the hunter across a tree trunk, pulls his pants down and sodomised him. He then told the Lawyer: “Get out of here. I don’t want to see you again.”
The Lawyer was incensed, so he raced back to town and bought the biggest bear rifle he could find, and returned to the forest.
A few minutes later, he spotted the bear and emptied his rifle. He then searched for the body, but couldn’t find it. He then felt a tap on his shoulder, and surprise, surprise, it was the bear again.
“I thought I told you not to come back,” said the bear. The bear then proceeded to smash the new rifle, and again threw the Lawyer to the ground and sodomised him again. “This is the last time I’m warning you. Don’t come back.”
The Lawyer went berserk. When he got back to town, he bought a M16 and went straight back to the forest. Thinking he saw the bear in a bush, he took aim and emptied the entire M16.
Still no body, until, a familiar tap on the shoulder.
“You’re not in this for the hunting, are you?,” asks the bear.

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A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid replies, “Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha.”
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You can start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid responds, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
“$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?”
“First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn’t think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4×4 truck with all the bells and whistles.”
“A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!”
“No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot. You should go fishing.'”

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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,
– “This is a tree.”
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
– “Tree.”
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
– “This is a rock.”
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,
– “Rock.”
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexu@l activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
– “Man riding a bike.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
– “My bike.”

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Human Chimp Breeding For Science!

Scientists wanted to do an experiment to breed humans with chimpanzees, but they couldn’t find anyone willing to mate with a chimpanzee.

Desperate they went to the lab janitor and asked, “For $1000, would you have sex with one of our chimps?”

The Janitor thought it over and agreed, but he had 3 conditions.

“First, I don’t want to kiss the chimp, because they all have bad breath. Second, I don’t want anyone to know about it, and no cameras recording of the event.”

The scientists agreed to the first two demands and asked what the third demand was.

“You’re gonna have to give me some time to come up with the $1000, since I don’t have it right now.”

– Ripped from Reddit

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Choking on a Coin

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help.

A man gets up from a nearby table, and with astonishing tranquility, without saying a word, lowers the boy’s pants and squeezes his testicles.

The boy yells and spits out the coin. The gentleman with the same tranquility returns to his table without a word.

Soon, the mother calms down and approaches the gentleman to thank him for saving her son’s life.

She asks, “Sir, are you a doctor..?”

“No, ma’am,” comes the reply. “I’m an Assistant Commissioner of Income Tax”

“We are trained to squeeze everyone’s balls to make them cough up the last penny.

—Big D

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