Late one night, a man heard his wife scream from the bedroom. He jumped up and ran to see what was the matter. As he burst through the door, he saw another man leaping out of the window.
His wife yelled, “That guy just raped me twice!”
“Twice?!” He asked in disbelief. “Why didn’t you scream when he started to rape you the first time?”
The woman cried, “Because until he started the second time, I thought it was you!”
A priest was getting new tires installed on his car. As the car was coming down the lift the priest asked the mechanic if the lug nuts were tight enough.
“No need to worry, Father,” said the mechanic. “They are as tight as a nun’s snatch!”
The priest frowned and said, “You better give’em another turn then.”
The rescue squad was called to the home of a middle aged couple for an apparent heart attack. When the squad got there it was too late, and the man had died.
While consoling the wife, one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered, and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love, and he started moaning, groaning, and then he was panting and sweating while thrashing about the bed. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”
Bored with retirement, Barney went into the Job Center in downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a “Gynecologist’s Assistant”. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings, Montana.”
“Good grief”, Barney asked, “Is that where the job is?”
“No sir, that’s where the end of the line is right now.”
Mildred dragged her husband Harry to the mall so she could by a new dress for an upcoming wedding they had been invited to.
After some time, Harry grew impatient. “Come on Milly. What’s taking you so long to pick out an outfit?”
“Oh hush, Harry”, scolded Mildred. “I want to make a good impression at this wedding. I’m looking for something youthful and wild in a lady’s dress.”
“So am I,” muttered Harry under his breath. “So am I.”