Russ and Sam met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn’t show up. More days passed and still no Russ. Knowing that Russ was in his late eighties, Sam had started to assume the worst.
After a month had gone by, Russ finally showed up.
“What happened to you?” Sam asked.
Russ replied, “I’ve been in jail.”
“For what?” Sam asked incredulously.
Russ explained, “You know that cute little blonde waitress down at the coffee shop? Well, the little gold-digger figured I was rich, and she tried filing rape charges against me to scam me outa my money.”
“So what happened?”
“At 89 years old, I was so proud that I plead guilty,” said Russ. “The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”
With a knowing smile, the newly wed wife told her husband, “I’ve been cleaning up the spare room. It looks like we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
The husband started glowing with happiness. He kissed his wife said, “Oh darling, You’ve made me the happiest man in the world.”
“I’m glad that you feel that way,” she replied. “My mother will be moving in on Monday.”
A Chinese man had three daughters.
He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest,” said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest,” said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with one draggin’ on the ground.”
The city council debate was becoming increasingly heated. Politicians from both major parties were locking horns.
As they started losing their tempers, one of them sneered at the other, “Have you heard of Bob Froyd?”
“No,” admitted the other.
“Well, if you attended more council meetings, you would know that he’s the man who’s planning to open a new strip club in our town.”
Furious and wanting to do some return damage, the opponent responded, “Have you heard of Alex Moskowitz?”
“No,” said the first. “Who is he?”
“Well, if you didn’t spend all your time at these council meetings, you would know that he’s the man who’s been screwing your wife while you’re here.”
Patrick and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn’t know what to do. Patrick said to Mary, “I think we need to get some advice from the parish priest. We can’t keep on with any more children.”
So they went to see the priest and the priest said to them, “You know the church only allows two ways to limit the little ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm method.”
Patrick scratched his head and said, “Well now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a band at 4 o’clock in the morning?”