A young politician was getting his first tailor-made suit. A week after the tailor took the measurement, the young man went in for his first fitting.
The new suit looked amazing. He was convince that his sharp appearance would win him many votes.
As he admired himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets, but to his surprise, there were no pockets!
“Why doesn’t this suit have any pockets?” queried the candidate.
“You’re running for office.” the tailor stated flatly.
The young man retorted, “Of course, but what does that have to do with anything?”
The tailor remarked, “Well who ever heard of a politician putting his hands in his own pockets?”
“It’s kind of sad. While we still get along, my wife just doesn’t look at me the way she used to,” said Keith.
“You think that’s bad,” replied Terry. “These days, my wife looks at me exactly the same way as the day we first met!”
“What’s so bad about that?” asked Keith.
“She looks at me like I’m a complete stranger, and she thinks she could do way better.”
While instructing her class, the teacher informed her students that the word of the day is contagious.
She asked if anyone could use this word in a sentence. Several students raised their hands, and the teacher picked on Danny
Danny said, “My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, ’cause they’re contagious.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Then she picked Mary, who said, “The atmosphere was contagious.”
The teacher says, “Excellent, Mary!” Then she noticed that little Johnny had his hand up at the back of the class. “Yes, Johnny?” she said.
Johnny cleared his throat and said, “The other day, me and my dad’s a-sittin’ around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, ‘Jesus, it’s gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'”
A man had three daughters ages 5, 7, and 9. One morning, the oldest daughter came up to him and asked, “Dad, why am I named Rose?”
The father responded by saying “Because on the day you were born, a rose petal fell on your head.”
The next day the middle daughter asked the father, “Daddy, why am I called Daisy?”
The father again responded by saying “Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head.”
Another day went by and the youngest daughter started screaming gibberish. The father looked at her and yelled, “Shut up, Brick!”
A man was on trial for the crime of stealing his neighbor’s TV.
After both sides rested, the jury left to deliberate. An hour later they returned.
“Have you reached a verdict?” asked the judge.
“We have, your honor,” the foreman said. “We find the defendant not guilty, but he has to return the television.”
Miffed, the judge informed them, “If you find him not guilty, then that means you don’t believe he stole the television. If he didn’t steal the TV, then how can he return it? Go deliberate some more until you can come back with a verdict that makes sense!”
The jury left again, and an hour later they returned once more.
“Have you reached a more consistent verdict?” asked the judge.
“We have, your honor,” the foreman said. “We find the defendant not guilty, but he can keep the TV.”