A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, “I think I’m pregnant.”
He asked, “How did this happen, my child?”
Nervously she said, “I think it has something to do with the second coming.”
Shocked by this reply, the priest asked, “What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?”
She replied, “Because I swallowed the first one.”
Two older ladies, Margret and Gertrude, were walking through the museum and got separated for a spell.
When they ran into each other later Margret said, “Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?”
“Yes I did!” said Gertrude. “I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why, the penis on that statue was far too large!”
With a smile Margret blurted out, “…and cold, too!”
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her skin beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde says, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman remarked, “Well, that’s an awful lot of milk. Do you need it Pasteurized?”
The blonde says, “No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand-new tennis ball. Seeing nobody around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
After jogging for some time, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing and waited for the lights to change.
A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked out of curiosity.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”
A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding, where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But, lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, “What happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years. I thought he meant his money!”