A man walked into a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender served the beverage, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a rat. He reached into his other pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. The rat stretched, cracked his knuckles, and proceeded to expertly play the piano.
The man finished his drink, and ordered another one. As the bartender served the next drink, the man reached into another pocket, pulled out a bullfrog, and set it next to the tiny piano. The bullfrog began to sing along with the rat’s music.
A stranger from the other end of the bar came down and offered the man $100.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replied, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increased the offer to $250.00.
“No,” he insisted, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increased the offer, this time to $500.00 cash.
The man finally agreed, and turned the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender cried. “That frog was worth millions, and you let him go for a mere $500!”
“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog wasn’t anything special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
A strong storm blew across the Caribbean, and a very expensive yacht sank without a trace. The only two survivors was the boat’s owner, Mr. Worthmore and the steward, Tino who managed to swim to a tiny island.
After reaching land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found.
Mr. Worthmore on the other hand was quite calm, and relaxed against a tree.
“Mr. Worthmore, how can you be so calm?” cried Tino. “We’re going to die on this lonely island. We’ll never be discovered here.”
“Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Tino.” began the confident Mr. Worthmore.
“Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so each got a million dollars.” stated Mr. Worthmore.
“What does that have to do with anything?” shouted Tino.
“Well, it’s time for their annual fundraising drives, and they won’t rest till they find me!” smiled Mr. Worthmore.
The teacher told Johnny to stay after class. “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”
Johnny denied the accusation and told the teacher to prove it.
The teacher explained, “The first question on the test was ‘Who was the first President of the United States, and Mary, who sits next to you, put down George Washington, and so did you.”
“So what?” said Johnny. “Everyone knows he was the first President.”
“Ah, but the next question was ‘Who freed the slaves?’, and both you and Mary wrote down Abraham Lincoln,” remarked the teacher.
“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.
“Yes, but the next question was, ‘Who was President during the Louisiana Purchase?'” said the teacher. “Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead had been stranded on a desert island for many years.
One day they found a magic lamp washed up on the shore. Together they rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
“I can grant three wishes”, said the Genie, “but since the three of you are together, you will have only one wish a piece.”
The three nodded in understanding, and the redhead stepped forward to make the first wish. “I hate it here. It is too hot and too boring. I want to go home!”
The genie’s voice boomed loudly, “Your wish is my command!” And off she went.
The the brunette went next and said, “I miss my friends and family. I want to go home, too!”
With a loud thunderous clap of his hands, the genie announce, “Your wish is granted!” And off she went.
The blonde looked around and started crying. She wiped the tears from her eyes and said, “There’s no one left and I’m all alone. I wish my friends were back here!”
Little Suzy asked her friend Bobby what a penis was.
Bobby wasn’t sure, so he told Suzy he would ask his dad.
That evening Bobby asked his dad what a penis was. His dad exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, “Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see that this is a perfect penis.”
The next day Bobby met with Suzy behind a hedge.
Bobby pulled down his shorts and said, “Suzy, this is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!”