A lawyer went out bear hunting and spotted one in the bushes and blasted away. The lawyer investigated but couldn’t find the bear. As he was about to give up, he felt tap tap on his shoulder and when he turned around saw the bear.
The bear said: “You know, it’s not bear hunting season?”
The Lawyer answered: “Yes, I know.” The bear took the rifle and smashed it on a rock, threw the hunter across a tree trunk, pulls his pants down and sodomised him. He then told the Lawyer: “Get out of here. I don’t want to see you again.”
The Lawyer was incensed, so he raced back to town and bought the biggest bear rifle he could find, and returned to the forest.
A few minutes later, he spotted the bear and emptied his rifle. He then searched for the body, but couldn’t find it. He then felt a tap on his shoulder, and surprise, surprise, it was the bear again.
“I thought I told you not to come back,” said the bear. The bear then proceeded to smash the new rifle, and again threw the Lawyer to the ground and sodomised him again. “This is the last time I’m warning you. Don’t come back.”
The Lawyer went berserk. When he got back to town, he bought a M16 and went straight back to the forest. Thinking he saw the bear in a bush, he took aim and emptied the entire M16.
Still no body, until, a familiar tap on the shoulder.
“You’re not in this for the hunting, are you?,” asks the bear.
A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid replies, “Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha.”
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You can start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid responds, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
“$101,237.65.”
“$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?”
“First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn’t think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4×4 truck with all the bells and whistles.”
“A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!”
“No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot. You should go fishing.'”
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,
– “This is a tree.”
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
– “Tree.”
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
– “This is a rock.”
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,
– “Rock.”
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexu@l activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
– “Man riding a bike.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
– “My bike.”
Scientists wanted to do an experiment to breed humans with chimpanzees, but they couldn’t find anyone willing to mate with a chimpanzee.
Desperate they went to the lab janitor and asked, “For $1000, would you have sex with one of our chimps?”
The Janitor thought it over and agreed, but he had 3 conditions.
“First, I don’t want to kiss the chimp, because they all have bad breath. Second, I don’t want anyone to know about it, and no cameras recording of the event.”
The scientists agreed to the first two demands and asked what the third demand was.
“You’re gonna have to give me some time to come up with the $1000, since I don’t have it right now.”
A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.
In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.
The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help.
A man gets up from a nearby table, and with astonishing tranquility, without saying a word, lowers the boy’s pants and squeezes his testicles.
The boy yells and spits out the coin. The gentleman with the same tranquility returns to his table without a word.
Soon, the mother calms down and approaches the gentleman to thank him for saving her son’s life.
She asks, “Sir, are you a doctor..?”
“No, ma’am,” comes the reply. “I’m an Assistant Commissioner of Income Tax”
“We are trained to squeeze everyone’s balls to make them cough up the last penny.
I took a manufacturing job back in August with a new company. Suffice to say I'd rather not say, but if I did happen to say, you'd recognize the name immediately. It's a Fortune 500, but not the Walmart, Amazon, McDonald's kind, so yeah, we're playing in the majors.
My career trajectory has had a few interesting turns. Previous to '95 I was a job butterfly. I flitted around from job to job, some good, some bad, but never stayed anywhere for any significant amount of time. One year I went through 10 different employers, and never once during those days did I ever go on unemployment or welfare. Jobs came easy for me, and I always paid my way.
Back in '95 I landed a position as a Robotics Technician for a company controlled by General Motors... But I didn't actually work for GM. I absolutely love robots. I had that job for about two years, but things started getting rather dicey around there, so I got out. Good thing too, because they went out of business less than 6 months later.
So in '97 I took a job at a plastics company. At first I couldn't believe I had found such an amazing place. The pay was nothing to write home about, but the work was easy, the environment was laid back, the coworkers were great, the benefits were decent, and the 3rd shift hours worked well for me. After a few years I was even able to buy a house, but 9-11 happened less than a month later and everything was different.
The aftermath left me feeling a bit gutted, and I wanted to do something. While still working at the plastics company I joined the Army Reserves back in the fall of 2005. It's something I look back on fondly, but I really think it was a major mistake on my part both financially and physically. Other than being able to say I was there, I gained no benefit from that experience. After 6 years I got out. Two years later my honorable discharge arrived in the mail. That's all I have to say about that.
Back to the plastics company where I was still employed: Over the years things changed. The benefits dwindled, the hours grew longer, the pace grew more frantic, a lot of coworkers retired and/or died, and while I eventually ended up in a leadership role, I felt something was very wrong. So I got a job working for Amazon delivery.
Yeah, but I never actually made it to Amazon. A head hunter caught my resume and saw robotics and plastics. I was a perfect fit for this tier 1 auto supplier, and the money was actually really good. I was on track to pay off all my old debts in under two years but 10 months later I bought a new car, and a few months after that things started going off the rails. They fired a bunch of people that shouldn't have been fired and it started a chain reaction. People were already overworked, so the resignations started piling in. On top of that, they were increasing monthly insurance premiums by $250! Suddenly this wasn't looking like a place I wanted to be anymore, so my resignation was about to be added to that pile.
But before I left, I started putting out job applications on Indeed, and wouldn't you know it, I got a lot of responses. Some good, some bad, but then there was this one response from a long shot. I honestly didn't believe it at first. They reached out again, but I thought it was just some automated form they send to everyone who clicked. After the 3rd Letter I called them. Like a dork, I naively asked if they were serious about wanting to hire me, and the person said, "Yes! We've tried to contact you three times already!"
Sometimes I can be such a dense headed putz! Fortunately for me, their impression was more professional, and the interview went great! I got the job, and kissed my robots goodbye for a second time. I really miss those guys.
So in a way it's like when I started working at the plastics factory. I'm on the night shift, which is what I prefer, the work is easy, the environment is laid back, the coworkers are great, they benefits are nice, and frankly the pay ain't too shabby. Like most companies, they have their strengths and weaknesses, but over all, I feel like this is a place I can hang around till I retire.
So that's that. I'm still alive and kickin'. The house is a mess, but I'm grateful to have a home. I still owe an obscene amount of money to my creditors, but my bills are paid. I've even been dating someone who I have almost nothing in common with, but we like each other's company, and she doesn't seem to mind my warped sense of humor. She's also trying to get me to lose weight and make better food choices. (Yes, I am way too fat again. Go figure.)
Kudos
So a special thanks to everyone who's contributed to the content of this site over the years. I'm sorry I haven't been maintaining it of late, and even sorrier still that I have decided to retire the submission page. It isn't here now. The submission page went away. The submission page is gone.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this site just yet, but if you have any suggestions, you can leave me a comment here or contact me through email. My username is flush2x on gmail, and from there I'll let you figure it out.
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail flush2x@gmail.com. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
