David went on a field trip with his class to a working farm. When he got home his mother asked him if he had a good time.
“Boy did I!” exclaimed David. “It was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, chickens, and fuckers!”
David’s mother was a bit startled by that last one, but judging by David’s obliviousness, she decided to remain calm and ask him about it. “I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?”
“Oh, they’re the animals that give us milk,” said David matter of factly.
“But who said they were called fuckers?”
“Our teacher,” explained David. “Well actually she called them ‘effers’, but we all knew what she meant.”
A weasel walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender is astonished.
“In all my years of tending this bar, this is the first time I’ve ever seen a weasel come in here,” the bartender says. “So, what’ll you have?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
Marvin was enjoying a beer in the outdoor seating area at his local tavern when a Nun suddenly appeared at his table and started decrying the evils of drink.
“You should be ashamed of yourself!” she chastised. “Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the devil’s drink!”
“How would you know, Sister?” asked Marvin sceptically.
“Mother Superior told me so,” came the nun’s resolute reply.
“But have you ever had a drink yourself?” pressed Marvin. “How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” scoffed the nun. “Of course I have never taken alcohol myself.”
“Then let me buy you a drink,” offered Marvin. “If you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drink for life.”
“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know.”
The Nun reluctantly agreed, so Marvin went inside to the bar and ordered, “Another beer for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks,” then he lowered his voice and said to the barman, “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”
“Oh no!” howled the barman. “Is that blasted nun back again?”
The devil called up St. Peter and said, “Let’s have a baseball game. My people against your people.”
St. Peter checked his roster and said, “Sure, but you’re gonna lose. I’ve got all the hall of famers up here.”
“Maybe so,” replied the devil, “but I’ve got all the umpires!”
Three boys were in the schoolyard bragging about how fast their fathers were.
The first one said, “My father is the fastest. He can fire an arrow, start to run, then he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one replied “Ha! My father can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet.”
The third one listened to the other two and shook his head, “That’s nothing! My father works for the government. He stops working at 5 o’clock and gets home by 3:45!”