101 Lies Men Tell Women

So how many of these have you told (or been told)?

1. I’ll call you.

2. I love you.

3. You’re the only one.

4. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.

5. I’ve got to work late at the office tonight.

6. That’s the best sex I’ve ever had.

7. You’ve got the most beautiful eyes.

8. No, I’m not married.

9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.

10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing’s wrong.

11. I’m ready to make a commitment.

12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.

13. My wife and I haven’t had sex in years.

14. We’ll get married as soon as I …

15. I’ll be home in twenty minutes.

16. It’s not that I don’t care – I just have to spend more time with my kids.

17. I’ve only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.

18. I’ve been celibate since we broke up.

19. I could never lie to you.

20. I can still last all night.

21. I always use a con-dom.

22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)

23. I haven’t seen her since she and I broke up.

24. I tested HIV negative.

25. I haven’t seen her since she and I broke up.

26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you.

27. No, I don’t think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big.

28. I’m too tired.

29. How could you think I’d be interested in her? She’s your best friend.

30. When it comes to oral sex, I’m the best.

31. I’ve never had any trouble keeping an erection before.

32. It’s you and me, babe – we’ll make love all over Europe.

33. I’d never do anything to hurt you.

34. I want to grow old with you.

35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives.

36. Our having sex won’t change a thing between us.

37. Don’t worry, I’ve had a vasectomy.

38. I’m going to leave my wife.

39. You’re nothing at all like my mother.

40. Your being a different religion doesn’t matter to me.

41. It doesn’t bother me that you make more money than I do.

42. Even without sex, we’d still be friends.

43. I think older women are the most exciting.

44. I’m considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company).

45. What attracts me to you is your mind.

46. We’ll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty.

47. Of course I don’t mind that you didn’t come.

48. I’ve never had an affair before.

49. You’re the only one who understands me.

50. I’ve never been in therapy.

51. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

52. No, I’m not seeing anyone else.

53. I haven’t thought about her (old girlfriend) in years.

54. How many times do I have to tell you I’m not having an affair?

55. Your career is as important as mine.

56. I promise you that I’ll change.

57. I want us to remain close friends always.

58. My wife and I have an understanding.

59. You’re wonderful; you deserve someone better than me.

60. I don’t masturbate.

61. Let’s be friends first.

62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing.

63. I’d like you even if you were a man.

64. It’s okay to be good looking, but looks just don’t mean that much to me.

65. The difference between us will bring us even closer.

66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids.

67. No, I never said that.

68. You make me feel like a kid again.

69. I’m going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office).

70. I’ll move wherever you want.

71. Of course I’m not bored with you.

72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we’ll…

73. You’ve got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife’s got in her whole body.

74. It wouldn’t be you and me anymore if I used one of those.

75. Let’s pool our assets – whatever is mine is yours.

76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you.

77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind.

78. Sure, I’ll watch the kids.

79. It’s not just the sex I want, it’s being close to you.

80. We’ll be spending a lot of time together when I retire.

81. You’re the only reason I’ve worked so hard.

82. If I didn’t have all this work, you know I’d go with you and the kids to your mom’s.

83. No one’s ever turned me on like you do.

84. My boss says there’s nothing to worry about.

85. I’ll never tell.

86. Relax, she’s just a friend.

87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out.

88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic.

89. It was just sex – it didn’t mean a thing.

90. Of course I’m listening to what you’re saying.

91. Come on in and we’ll just cuddle for a few minutes.

92. No, I don’t think you’re fat.

93. You’re the woman I should have married.

94. I’m going to be focusing on my work for a while now.

95. I guarantee you, I’m not the father.

96. Your having kids has nothing to do with
my not wanting to get married.

97. I’m not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)

98. It’s nothing personal; I just don’t like sharing my living space with someone.

99. This time I’m really serious.

100. Honestly, honey, it’s just for the guys — none of the wives go to the conference.

101. I’ll always take care of you.

101 Lies Men Tell Women
1 vote

The Southern Bride

During the wedding reception in the family’s southern mansion, the bride’s Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for “mad money”. The bride took the money and discretely stuffed the bills into her gloves.

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.

Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride’s Grandmother saw the bride sneaking down the stairs, and asked where she was going.. “I left my gloves in the library, Grandma, and it’s important that I have them.”

“Oh you youngsters!” the Grandmother sighed. “You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather’s.”

The Southern Bride
1 vote

Winter Lessons

A foursome was waiting at the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies were taking their time, and when finally the last one was ready to hit the ball she hacked it about 10 feet, went over to it and hacked it another 10 feet.

She looked up at the men who were watching, and said apologetically, “I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately replied, “Now, you see, that’s your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead.”

Winter Lessons
1 vote

The Substitute Confessional

The local priest had to attend an out of town meeting for a few days, but didn’t have anyone to cover for him in the confessional.

He asked his rabbi friend across the street at the synagogue. The rabbi said he’d be delighted to help, but didn’t have the foggiest idea of how confession worked.

Understanding the rabbi’s ignorance on the subject, the priest suggested that the rabbi “sit-in” on a few confessions just so he could get the hang of it.

So the priest and rabbi waited together in the booth for someone to come give their confession.

Finally a man showed up and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery three times in the past week.”

The priest then advised the man, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

After the first man left, another man entered and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery three times in the past week.”

Again, the priest advised, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

After the man left, the rabbi said, “I think I got the idea. Let me take the next one.”

A moment later another man entered the booth, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery once this past week.”

Knowing he’s got a handle on this, the rabbi advised, “Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.”

The Substitute Confessional
1 vote

Flu Follow-up

Vicki was still feeling a bit weak and not up to par after her recent bout with the flu, so she went to see her doctor again.

After a quick examination, he said, “You look weak and exhausted! What have you been doing? Are you getting out in the fresh air, getting enough exercise, and having your meals 3 times a day, as I advised on your last visit?”

Vicki looked up, a bit surprised and exclaimed, “Oh doc, I’ve sure been getting the first two, but on that last one, I could have sworn you said three males a day!”

Flu Follow-up
1 vote