A man was walking past a travel agent’s office when he noticed a billboard promoting a “4 day cruise down the Murray River – $40 all inclusive.”
Impressed by the low price, he raced into the shop, slapped $40 onto the counter and said, “I’m here for the Murray cruise.” Quick as a wink, the travel agent whipped out a baseball bat and knocked the man unconscious.
When the man awoke, he found himself tied to a floating log and drifting down the river. After a time, he noticed another man in the same predicament on the other side of the river.
“$40 Murray cruise?” he called out.
“Yep!” said the man from the other side.
Injecting a bit of levity he called back, “I’ll bet you we don’t even get breakfast!”
The other man called back, “We did last year!”
Jesus sat down in the temple to teach some of the people. A group of scribes and Pharisees confronted Jesus and interrupted his teaching session.
They bought forth a woman accused of committing adultery. They asked Jesus if the punishment for someone like her should be stoning.
Jesus tried to ignore them at first, but after being pressed he stated that the one who is without sin is the one who should cast the first stone.
Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress.
With a heavy sigh, Jesus said, “You can be a real bitch sometimes, Mom.”
Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this young nurse. Everytime she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice “And how are we doing this morning?!”
Well, this is a story of revenge. He had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looked at it and remarked, “It seems we are a little cloudy today…”
At this, he snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and chugged it, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time.”
Despite having been married for nearly 60 years, Mildred and Edgar deeply resented one another.
“You’re getting awfully old, Edgar,” scolded Mildred. “It won’t be much longer and I’ll be happily dancing on your grave.”
“That’ll be just fine with me,” said Edgar, “because I’ve already arranged to be buried at sea!”
Mark was hiking along a mountainous trail when he lost his footing and slipped over the side of a cliff. After falling approximately 15 feet he ran into the branches of a tree growing out the side of the cliff.
While hanging on for dear life, he looked down and saw that it was at least a 200 foot drop to the bottom. In desperation he started calling for help. “Is anybody up there?! I’ve fallen over the side, and I need help!”
A loud booming voice that echoed through the mountains said, “I am the Lord. Let go of thy branch and ye will be safe!”
Mark could hardly believe his ears. This was indeed the voice of God, and it echoed loud and clear. Realizing this he looked down again at the 200 foot drop, looked up again, and cried out, “Is anybody else up there?!”