Marc was dating a beautiful woman. He loved everything about her, but she seemed especially hesitant about getting intimate.
“What’s wrong? Are you just not into me?” He asked.
“No, it’s not that at all,” she insisted. “It’s just that the last time I had sex it was like the men’s 100 meter final at the Olympics.”
Marc laughed, “Over in 9.5 seconds?”
“No,” she said, “Eight black men and a gun.”
Little Johnny went to confession and said to the priest, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Three days ago I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That’s utterly disgraceful, Johnny,” said the priest. “Especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
The maid approached the lady of the house and asked for a pay increase. The woman was not so easily persuaded, but she asked, “Now, Maria, by what rational do you expect a pay increase?”
Maria lowered her head and looked off to the side before she spoke, “Well, I have three reasons why should increase my pay. The first is that I iron better than you.”
“Who said you iron better than me?” retorted the woman.
“Your husband!” remarked Maria. “He says so! The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
“Nonsense!” scoffed the woman. “Who told you that?”
“Your husband did,” said Maria. “The third reason is that I am better at making love than you.”
The woman was practically livid at this point. Through her gritted teeth she asked, “And did my husband say that as well?”
“No,” said Maria. “The gardener did.”
“So how much do you want?”
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.
“After all, dear,” she said, “you wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?”
“No,” her husband cooly replied. “but I would not expect to find gift wrap on a dead beaver either.”
A woman brought a baby to the doctor’s office for a check up. Everything seemed normal during the exam, but the doctor was a little concerned about the baby’s weight.
“Is the baby breast or bottle fed?” asked the physician.
“Breast fed,” she replied.
“Well let’s have a look then. Could you please remove your top?” the doctor requested.
The woman removed her blouse and exposed her breasts to the doctor. He proceeded to pinch her nipples. Then he pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both of them in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m the child’s grandmother, but I’m sure glad I came.”