As the husband stepped out of the shower he remarked, “It’s too hot to wear clothes today.”
His wife gave a faint smirk and said, “Well you need to put something on if you’re going to get that grass cut today.”
“What do you reckon the neighbors will think if I mow the lawn like this?” he said with open arms.
Without even a glance his wife said, “They will probably think that I married you for your money.”
The man stood in line for what seemed like forever at the bureau of motor vehicles. By the time it was his turn, he had grown rather tired and weary.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”
“That’s okay,” he reassured the man. “It’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
The only way to pull off an afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons’ have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
“Jason is on his skate board!”
After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
A man sat crying on the couch in his therapists office.
The psychiatrist consoled his patient and reminded him that that he had been making excellent progress.
“You call this progress?” the man sobbed. “Six months ago, I was Napoleon Bonaparte. Here we are today, and I’m a nobody!”
A well dressed woman walked into a gun shop and asked for help in choosing a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she said.
“Certainly Ma’am,” said the sales clerk. “Do you know what caliber he prefers?”
“I haven’t the foggiest,” said the woman. “and I doubt he’ll care what caliber it is after I shoot him with it.”