A young blonde was lying on her therapist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was with finding a job that would suit her.
“I tried to be an actress but couldn’t get cast,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary but couldn’t stand the environment. I tried being a writer and got nowhere with the publishers. I tried being a sales clerk and that didn’t work out either.”
The therapist thought for a moment and said, “For optimal mental health, it’s very important that you find a fulfilling occupation that’s right for you. Have you tried nursing?”
The blonde thought about it for a moment then stood up and took off her blouse. She pointed her bare and ample bosom toward the therapist and said, “Well go ahead. At this point I’ll give anything a try!”
The receptionist answered the phone the morning after the CEO had unexpectedly passed away.
“Is Mr. Daulton there?” asked the caller on the phone.
“I am very sorry, but Mr. Daulton passed away last night,” the receptionist answered.
“Is Mr. Daulton there?” repeated the caller.
The receptionist was perplexed, “Perhaps you did not understand me. I am afraid Mr. Daulton passed away last night.”
“Is Mr. Daulton there?” asked the caller again.
“Ma’am, do you understand what I am saying?” said the exasperated receptionist, “Mr. Daulton is dead.”
“I understand you perfectly,” the caller remarked. “I just can’t hear it often enough.”
Murray had just met the woman of his dreams, but he was horribly shy and could never muster the courage to ask her out on a date.
Fortunately his friend Saul had an ingenious solution. “Send her some flowers,” Saul said. “On the card, invite her to your house for a delicious home cooked meal.”
Murray thought that was a wonderful idea, and immediately dialed the florist.
A few days later, Saul asked Murray how it went.
“It was a disaster! A terrible idea!” moaned Murray.
“Why? What happened? Didn’t she accept?” asked Saul.
“Oh she accepted alright,” said Murray, “but when she came over, she refused to cook!”
Donna and Sam were reading the evening paper, when Donna let out a chuckle.
“Get this, Sam,” she said to her husband. “Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket at the stadium! Could you imagine doing anything like that?”
“That’s just crazy,” said Sam. “I would never do something like that!”
“Aww honey,” Donna cooed, “You’re so sweet!”
“Only an idiot would make such an offer,” Sam added. “The season is already half over!”
Excited about her new purchase, the 16 year old girl raced home and tried on her new bikini. She was so thrilled with how it looked that she showed it to her mother.
“Well, what do you think, Mom?” asked the daughter.
Her mother cooly replied, “If I had worn that when I was your age, you would be 5 years older now.”