Of Apes and Men

A married couple walks past a gorilla enclosure, at the Zoo.
Says the woman, “Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I will expose one of my breasts, and see how excited it gets, just as men do.”
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
See, says the woman, “Now, I know why you react the way you do. Men can’t control their animal instincts, just like gorillas can’t.”
Says Mark, “Now expose both breasts, and let’s see what happens.”
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla. It gets very excited, and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.
Says Mark, “This is incredible!! Now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum, and let us see what happens!”
The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now, is extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman, and starts ripping the clothes off her.
The woman yells. “Mark, what do I do now? Help me!”
Mark replies, “Tell him you have a headache and you are not in the mood. Now let us see if gorillas and men are the same!”

Natural Breast Enlargement

Mike and Angie were sitting at the table reading the newspaper and periodicals at breakfast.
Angie laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in her magazine, which she then read aloud, “Did you know that a woman’s breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?”
Her husband, Mike shot back. “So, how come yours don’t?”
Without even pausing, Angie replied, “Because you’re not pumping hard enough.”

The Substitute Teacher

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r” after the first letter.”
The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy.”
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, “I remember it has an “r” after the first letter.”
“That’s right!” she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, “Mrs. Crunt?”

While Danny’s at the Grocery

Danny walks into a grocery store where he sees one of his closest friends, Bob. Bob approaches him with a sincere smile and greets Danny.
After a good conversation between the two men, Bob looks at Danny with affection and says: “Listen, Danny, you’re my best friend. I respect you a lot and would never do anything to hurt you, but I’ve got to let this off my chest. I think you deserve much better than Lola. I’m telling you this as a friend. Your wife is not exactly a conservative woman!”
Danny looks at Bob in bafflement and replies: “What do you mean?”
Bob looks him straight in the eyes and whispers in his ear: “Look around! Why do you think there are almost no men in this grocery store? As a true friend, I feel obliged to tell you this. Every time you go grocery shopping, there is a very long line-up at your front door!”
Danny, confused and puzzled asks : “What are you trying to say?”
Bob looks at him in sorrow and replies: “I hate to break this to you, my dear friend, but your wife is a money hungry whore! I think you should divorce her!”
Danny, startled by Bobs rude comment replies in a fury: “What kind of a friend are you? You must think I’m an Idiot! You want me to divorce her, so I’ll have to wait in line, too?”

Rye Bread

Two old men in their 80’s were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The younger 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “Five loaves?! My Goodness! It’ll be hard before you even get to the 3rd loaf!”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this shit but me.”

Another Drinking Wager Joke

A group of American tourists came into an Irish pub. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think you’re great drinkers. I bet €5,000 [Euros] that no one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.”
The bar was silent for a moment, and then only sound of a chair sliding as one Irishman left. No one took up the bet.
Forty minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and asked, “Hey Yank! Is your wee bet still on?”
“Sure!” said the American, “30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of €5,000.”
“Grand so!” replied the Irishman, “pour the pints and start the clock.”
It was very close, but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
“OK Yank, pay up!” added the Irishman.
“I’m happy to pay, and here is your money” said the American forking over the cash. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?”
The Irishman replied, “Well, sir, €5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I would be able to do it.”

The Smell of Wood

A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.
The patrons of the bar decided to test him.
The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, “That’s maple.”
They then tried birch; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.
He did this with every piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose.
He sniffed for a while. “Boy,” he said “this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side.”
So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, “You guys can’t fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!”

Finding an Australian Virgin

A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman .
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.
She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other, so, they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman” he says, “But if it’s anything like fuckin’ a ‘roo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

The Rowdy Party

During a rather rowdy party, one unattached female guest kept disappearing into a back bedroom with one man after another, including the host.

This did not go unnoticed by the host’s wife, who was quietly smoldering, but kept her composure, so as not to ruin the party.

It was still fairly early when ‘Miss Willing’ approached the hostess looking somewhat frazzled and rumpled.

“I’m sorry to rush off,” she explained, “but I don’t feel too well.”

“Of course, I understand my dear,” was the hostess’ response. “You must have a splitting backache.”