Sunday, January 10, 2016

We’re going to try something new. These “News” items used to be “ephemeral”, but with the aid of a couple of plug-ins, they are now able to be preserved. You can actually click on the date above to see this text’s permanent home. I really hope this works out.

OK then… We’re still on our winning streak with five more jokes lined up for January 11 thru 15. I can hardly believe we actually got through 2015 without missing a single Monday thru Friday, and I’m hoping we can pull it off again this year!

On to another topic: It appears as though things are starting to get back to normal. I’m still way too fat from eating so much over the holidays, but at least the food was tasty.

I did try to eat more healthy this past week… Unfortunately I forgot about the bananas on top of the fridge, so now I’m making banana bread. That still counts as fiber, doesn’t it?

Pax,

-f2x

PS: New comic on Saturday.

Tummy Flattening

One night a little girl walked in on her parents having sex.

The mother was on top, and going up and down on the father. When she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” asked the little girl.

Too embarrassed to tell her little girl about sex, the mother made up an answer, “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replied, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The confused mother asked, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl explained, “Because every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

Getting a Cop When You Need One

An elderly man was about to go to bed when he heard noises coming from the back yard. Three men had broken into the garage.

Scared, he called the police.

The dispatcher replied they would send an officer as soon as one became available, but they were all currently out on calls.

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again, “Don’t worry about sending an officer. I shot the robbers, and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”

In less than five minutes the police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!

One of the officers asked the old man, “We were told you shot the robbers and your dogs were eating them.”

The old man replied, “I was told there weren’t any officers available.”

Breast Enlargement Exercises

A lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, and see how it works first. He stood up to demonstrate, held his arms straight out to the side, rotated them counterclockwise, and said, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.”

The doctor had her try it. He told her to do it as often as she can, and to come back in a week.

One week later, she’s back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn’t work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in 1 week.

She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can. One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.”

The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.

“Yes, how did you know?” she queries.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, “Hickory dickory dock…”

The Annotated Thermometer

With winter underway, we thought it would be nice to explain what one can expect with the falling seasonal temperatures.
+60 F (+15 C) Californians put on sweaters, if they can find one in their wardrobe.
+50 F (+10 C) Miami residents turn on the heat.
+40 F (+5 C) You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 F (+2 C) Italian cars don’t start.
+32 F (0 C) Water freezes.
+30 F (-1 C) You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on t-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. English cars don’t start.
+25 F (-4 C) Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 F (-7 C) You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacations further south.
+15 F (-10 C) French cars don’t start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Your cat insists on sleeping in bed with you.
+10 F (-12 C) Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+5 F (-15 C) You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don’t start.
+0 F (-18 C) Alaskans put on t-shirts. Too cold to skate.
-10 F (-23 C). German cars don’t start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 F (-26 C) You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 F (-30 C) Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don’t start.
-25 F (-32 C) Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 F (-34 C) You plan a two-week hot bath. The mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don’t start.
-40 F (-40 C) Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 F (-46 C) Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 F (-62 C) Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south.
-90 F (-68 C) Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

Misandry 1.0

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
We don’t know, its never happened

Why do men get married?
So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn’t ask for directions.

The Dead Cow

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her. How could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

“I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”

Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”

Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”