We’re going to try something new. These “News” items used to be “ephemeral”, but with the aid of a couple of plug-ins, they are now able to be preserved. You can actually click on the date above to see this text’s permanent home. I really hope this works out.
OK then… We’re still on our winning streak with five more jokes lined up for January 11 thru 15. I can hardly believe we actually got through 2015 without missing a single Monday thru Friday, and I’m hoping we can pull it off again this year!
On to another topic: It appears as though things are starting to get back to normal. I’m still way too fat from eating so much over the holidays, but at least the food was tasty.
I did try to eat more healthy this past week… Unfortunately I forgot about the bananas on top of the fridge, so now I’m making banana bread. That still counts as fiber, doesn’t it?
One night a little girl walked in on her parents having sex.
The mother was on top, and going up and down on the father. When she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?” asked the little girl.
Too embarrassed to tell her little girl about sex, the mother made up an answer, “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replied, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The confused mother asked, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl explained, “Because every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
An elderly man was about to go to bed when he heard noises coming from the back yard. Three men had broken into the garage.
Scared, he called the police.
The dispatcher replied they would send an officer as soon as one became available, but they were all currently out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again, “Don’t worry about sending an officer. I shot the robbers, and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”
In less than five minutes the police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the officers asked the old man, “We were told you shot the robbers and your dogs were eating them.”
The old man replied, “I was told there weren’t any officers available.”
A lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, and see how it works first. He stood up to demonstrate, held his arms straight out to the side, rotated them counterclockwise, and said, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.”
The doctor had her try it. He told her to do it as often as she can, and to come back in a week.
One week later, she’s back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn’t work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in 1 week.
She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can. One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.”
The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.
“Yes, how did you know?” she queries.
The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, “Hickory dickory dock…”
With winter underway, we thought it would be nice to explain what one can expect with the falling seasonal temperatures.
+60 F (+15 C) Californians put on sweaters, if they can find one in their wardrobe.
+50 F (+10 C) Miami residents turn on the heat.
+40 F (+5 C) You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 F (+2 C) Italian cars don’t start.
+32 F (0 C) Water freezes.
+30 F (-1 C) You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on t-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. English cars don’t start.
+25 F (-4 C) Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 F (-7 C) You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacations further south.
+15 F (-10 C) French cars don’t start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Your cat insists on sleeping in bed with you.
+10 F (-12 C) Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+5 F (-15 C) You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don’t start.
+0 F (-18 C) Alaskans put on t-shirts. Too cold to skate.
-10 F (-23 C). German cars don’t start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 F (-26 C) You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 F (-30 C) Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don’t start.
-25 F (-32 C) Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 F (-34 C) You plan a two-week hot bath. The mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don’t start.
-40 F (-40 C) Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 F (-46 C) Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 F (-62 C) Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south.
-90 F (-68 C) Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her. How could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
“I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”
Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”
Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”
I suppose I should start by telling you how it happened. It was an otherwise nondescript day back in February. I went to get out of my rocker-recliner and when I scooched forward to get up, the front armrests bottomed out on the floor as they always do. Unbeknownst to me, Alex just happened to be laying down there that fateful day, and his left arm managed to get pinched.
Of course he yowled the loudest I'd ever heard him yell in his entire life and shot off into the basement. I felt terrible about it, but then I had no way of knowing he was down there when I went to get up. After a short while, Alex came back upstairs, and I was able to check for injury.
Shockingly, there were no broken bones, no blood, and Alex was able to walk just fine. It almost seemed cartoonish at the time, but down the left side of his left arm was a ribbon of flattened fur. He seemed somewhat indifferent to this, and acted like he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Seeing as Alex didn't appear to be in immediate danger, I took a "wait and see" position.
Over the next month, the "ribbon" began to shrink inward towards his elbow. I took this as a good sign that his injury was healing naturally and everything would be fine... But things were not fine. After a month and a half, his elbow began to swell. By mid-April I had to take him in to the vet for an exam.
The vet did a fair bit of Hmmm'ing and scrunched her face a lot. She didn't want to poke it with anything for fear it might introduce something. She took some measurements and expressed a "wait and see" attitude. I then scheduled a follow up appointment two months out.
Only a month later in mid-May, the swelling on his elbow had increased to the point that it started to ulcer. I called the vet and got him in immediately. This time they tried to drain it, but it went horribly. After the first stick, Alex started squirting blood all over the place, and the vet and technician freaked out and were running around looking for towels while I had to hold my cat down in a growing pool of his own blood.
After they got things back under control, she tried again with a larger needle, and went in from a different direction. After plunging to the center of the mass, she remarked that it was solid and that the fluid had probably dispersed into the surrounding tissue. She then went on to suggest that it might even be "malignant" and recommended a biopsy. They gave me an estimate for the procedure that ran from $500 to $800. I immediately left and made an appointment with another vet that I had gone to in the past.
The next day, my alternate vet didn't have any good news. By now, Alex's arm was very infected. At first he suggested that the arm would have to come off, but after noting Alex's age, he pulled back and recommended palliative care. I pushed for a quote on the cost of an amputation, and he informed me it would be around $3500 at the lowest, and that at his age, Alex would only live another 6 months after the surgery, and to just stick with palliative care.
They gave Alex a shot of antibiotics, a shot for long term pain management, prednisolone tablets and a liquid antibiotic, along with an appointment to come back about a month later.
Over the memorial day weekend, I cleaned Alex's wound and administered his meds. Alex was still Alex though. He obviously wanted to live, so I began making phone calls. Eventually I got in touch with the Humane Society. It took week and a half to finally get in, but after looking at Alex's arm, their surgeon said that the arm was "not compatible with long term survival" and agreed to amputate it... in two weeks.
That was the longest two weeks of my life.
Every day that thing on his elbow grew bigger and bigger. In the final week, it started to split open. It looked like something out of a horror movie. The outer layer of skin died off and eventually I had to cut the hard chunk of dried flesh off with scissors. Fortunately the antibiotics prescribed by the second vet kept the wound site free from infection.
And through all of this, Alex was still Alex. He just kept on living his life like nothing was wrong. Even with that thing on his arm, he still walked normal, climbed up and down the stairs, jumped on the bed, table, dresser, et cetera. Part of me knew this cat was gonna make it, but part of me was scared that his arm was going to go septic and Alex would die.
I felt relieved on the day of the surgery. We made it through to this day! Alex would be a tripod, but he was going to live! I dropped Alex off at the Human Society and went to work expecting to pick him up between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm.
My phone rang a little before noon. The voice on the other end informed me that the surgery had gone fine, and they didn't notice anything wrong during the procedure, but in the recovery room, Alex's heart rate began to drop, he went non-responsive, and his pupils dilated. The surgeon explained that sometimes a blood clot will break free during the surgery and make its way into the brain. Alex had had a stroke. There was nothing more they could do.
Moments later, Alex died.
Usually I show off pictures of Gail here, (she's doing find by the way). Gail is a fun dog who loves to constantly run and play, but Alex was the one that I could really count on for affection. He would hop up on my chest when I was resting in my recliner and purr. He would be there at the door to greet me when I came home. He would keep me company when I pooped. He would wake me in the morning, and insist I gave him a thorough petting before I went to sleep at night. He talked to me with his incessant meows, and made sure I never left the house without filling the food and water bowls. Alex loved to get his "full kitty massage" complete with belly rubs, and he was the kind of cat that would walk up and headbutt me to let me know I was his as much as he was mine.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
