Monthly Archives: March 2016

A young woman bought a mirror at an antique shop, and hung it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully said, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four.”

Instantly, there was a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grew to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she ran to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both returned.

This time the husband crossed his fingers and said, “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”

Again, there was a bright flash… and his legs fell off.

A fellow walked into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sat down, and said, “Give me a beer. I’ve had a rough day at work.”

The bartender replied, “Oh? What do you do?”

The guy said, “I take care of the royal corgis– you know, the dogs the royal family owns.”

The bartender remarked, “Tough job, huh?”

The guy said, “Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren’t too smart, either.”

A little old lady was walking down the street carrying two large plastic trash bags, one in each hand. One of the bags had a hole. Every once in a while, a $20 bill would come flying out of the bag and onto the pavement. A nearby police officer noticed this.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” the cop said. “Do you realize you have $20 bills falling out of one of your bags?”

The old lady looked back. “Damn!” she said. “Now I have to go back and see if I can find them. Thanks, officer!”

“Wait a minute,” the officer said. “Where did you get all this money? Did you steal it?”

“Oh, no. I earned it,” the lady replied.

“You earned all this money?” asked the cop.

“Yes,” the lady answered. “You see, officer, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Every time there’s a game, those darn kids have too much to drink and then they pee through the hedges right onto my flowers! It was driving me crazy! So I finally did something about it. I got out my hedge clippers. Now, every time a guy sticks his thingy through the hedges, I jump up, grab it, hold open the clippers and say, ‘$20 or off it comes!’ ”

The cop laughed. “Very good, ma’am! Have a nice day!” he said. He then asked, “What’s in the other bag, by the way?”

The old lady leaned close to the police officer and said in a hushed voice, “Not everybody pays up!”

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

“Okay,” the judge said, “tell the court why you want a divorce.”

“Well, your honor,” Dan started, “every once in a while my sister-in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I’d end up making love to her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” the judge said.

“You’d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That’s why I want the divorce.”

One day a sweet little girl became puzzled about her origin. “How did I get here, Mommy?” she asked.

Her mother replied using the well-worn phrase, “Why God sent you from heaven, Honey.”

“And did God send you too, Mommy?” she continued.

“Yes, Sweetheart, he did.”

“And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?”

“Yes, Honey, all of them, too.”

The child shook her head in disbelief. “No wonder everyone is so grouchy! There hasn’t been any sex in this family for over a hundred years!”

Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there came a knock at the door.

“Who is it?”, called one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns looked at each other and shrugged. The decided that no harm could come from letting a blind man into the room and opened the door.

“Nice tits,” said the man, “where do you want these blinds?”