Hoo boy… I really hate to do this to you guys. We were having a really good run too. Unfortunately with my job and the summer heat, I really don’t want to be staring at the computer screen unless it’s to look at pictures of glaciers and snow capped mountains. This past week has left me feeling quite nauseous from the heat, and since I’m out of payed vacation time at my day job, that means I need to take a vacation from this place to try to recoup. As of today, I’ve switched the system over to generate a random page until fall, or whenever the heat breaks.
So basically, we’re showing re-runs for the next two months.
Remember, this is a hiatus, not a funeral. Every time you reload the page there will be five (5) jokes randomly selected from the archives. Enjoy the random jokes. We’ve got a lot of ’em.
Oh, BTW: The site has a bunch of glitches in it right now… They aren’t immediately apparent, but they are there. One of the glitches makes it impractical to allow voting on the random jokes, so it was disabled. I may or may not invoke some maintenance mode at some point to try and repair some glitches that the site has developed.
Again, I just was to stress that I’m only taking a break for the summer and we will resume adding new entries in mid to late September.
A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, why do they say gardeners have green thumbs, when their thumbs aren’t green?”
The father replied, “It’s just a saying, son. It’s like when somebody is caught stealing, they say they have been caught ‘red handed’, even though their hands are actually black.”
While sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thought to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that there were five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replied, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman said a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explained to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asked.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
Two men had been lost in the desert for weeks and were at death’s door. As they stumbled on, they suddenly noticed a tree off in the distance.
As they got closer, they saw that the tree was draped with bacon. There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, and even life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon.
“Oh my God!” said the first man. “It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!”
“You’re right!” said the second.
So the first man ran up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food, but when he got within five feet of the tree, there was the sound of machine gun fire, and he was shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly dropped to the ground and called across to the dying man, “What just happened?!”
With his dying breath the slain man called out, “It’s not a Bacon Tree… It’s a Ham Bush!”
It’s like watching the world on fast forward. Where the heck am I going to find the time to get all the things done that I need to do? Thank goodness I have the support of friends and family to get through the rough spots.
Of course no one is helping me with putting together new comics at the moment (not that anyone ever has), so that’s why there hasn’t been any new ones lately. I’d like to make some new ones, I really would, but who has the time?
It looks like July is just bananas, so if I get a moment to catch my breath, I’ll try and get back to the story.
Now with Less Sex Appeal!
After last week’s dearth of sexy jokes, I gave it some thought and realized something. Some weeks all we have are sex related jokes. Now I like all jokes no matter their genre just so long as they’re funny. That being said, I’m going to actively try including more jokes that aren’t sexual in nature. So how do you feel about this? Let me know in the comments.
A wealthy man in need of a heart transplant asked his doctor if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
“I do have three hearts available,” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old kid. He was a nonsmoker, athletic swimmer with a great diet. Sadly, he hit his head on the bottom of the swimming pool and died. It’s $100,000.
“The second is from a marathon runner. He was 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000.
“The third is from a heavy drinking cigar smoker who was also a steak lover. It’s $500,000.”
“Why is that heart so expensive?” asked the patient. “It sounds like he lived a terrible life!”
“Sure,” said the doctor, “but it’s from a lawyer, and so it’s never been used.”
A plane was taking off from the Chicago airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 234, non-stop from Chicago to LA. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax- OH, MY GOD!”
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in coach yelled back, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
I suppose I should start by telling you how it happened. It was an otherwise nondescript day back in February. I went to get out of my rocker-recliner and when I scooched forward to get up, the front armrests bottomed out on the floor as they always do. Unbeknownst to me, Alex just happened to be laying down there that fateful day, and his left arm managed to get pinched.
Of course he yowled the loudest I'd ever heard him yell in his entire life and shot off into the basement. I felt terrible about it, but then I had no way of knowing he was down there when I went to get up. After a short while, Alex came back upstairs, and I was able to check for injury.
Shockingly, there were no broken bones, no blood, and Alex was able to walk just fine. It almost seemed cartoonish at the time, but down the left side of his left arm was a ribbon of flattened fur. He seemed somewhat indifferent to this, and acted like he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Seeing as Alex didn't appear to be in immediate danger, I took a "wait and see" position.
Over the next month, the "ribbon" began to shrink inward towards his elbow. I took this as a good sign that his injury was healing naturally and everything would be fine... But things were not fine. After a month and a half, his elbow began to swell. By mid-April I had to take him in to the vet for an exam.
The vet did a fair bit of Hmmm'ing and scrunched her face a lot. She didn't want to poke it with anything for fear it might introduce something. She took some measurements and expressed a "wait and see" attitude. I then scheduled a follow up appointment two months out.
Only a month later in mid-May, the swelling on his elbow had increased to the point that it started to ulcer. I called the vet and got him in immediately. This time they tried to drain it, but it went horribly. After the first stick, Alex started squirting blood all over the place, and the vet and technician freaked out and were running around looking for towels while I had to hold my cat down in a growing pool of his own blood.
After they got things back under control, she tried again with a larger needle, and went in from a different direction. After plunging to the center of the mass, she remarked that it was solid and that the fluid had probably dispersed into the surrounding tissue. She then went on to suggest that it might even be "malignant" and recommended a biopsy. They gave me an estimate for the procedure that ran from $500 to $800. I immediately left and made an appointment with another vet that I had gone to in the past.
The next day, my alternate vet didn't have any good news. By now, Alex's arm was very infected. At first he suggested that the arm would have to come off, but after noting Alex's age, he pulled back and recommended palliative care. I pushed for a quote on the cost of an amputation, and he informed me it would be around $3500 at the lowest, and that at his age, Alex would only live another 6 months after the surgery, and to just stick with palliative care.
They gave Alex a shot of antibiotics, a shot for long term pain management, prednisolone tablets and a liquid antibiotic, along with an appointment to come back about a month later.
Over the memorial day weekend, I cleaned Alex's wound and administered his meds. Alex was still Alex though. He obviously wanted to live, so I began making phone calls. Eventually I got in touch with the Humane Society. It took week and a half to finally get in, but after looking at Alex's arm, their surgeon said that the arm was "not compatible with long term survival" and agreed to amputate it... in two weeks.
That was the longest two weeks of my life.
Every day that thing on his elbow grew bigger and bigger. In the final week, it started to split open. It looked like something out of a horror movie. The outer layer of skin died off and eventually I had to cut the hard chunk of dried flesh off with scissors. Fortunately the antibiotics prescribed by the second vet kept the wound site free from infection.
And through all of this, Alex was still Alex. He just kept on living his life like nothing was wrong. Even with that thing on his arm, he still walked normal, climbed up and down the stairs, jumped on the bed, table, dresser, et cetera. Part of me knew this cat was gonna make it, but part of me was scared that his arm was going to go septic and Alex would die.
I felt relieved on the day of the surgery. We made it through to this day! Alex would be a tripod, but he was going to live! I dropped Alex off at the Human Society and went to work expecting to pick him up between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm.
My phone rang a little before noon. The voice on the other end informed me that the surgery had gone fine, and they didn't notice anything wrong during the procedure, but in the recovery room, Alex's heart rate began to drop, he went non-responsive, and his pupils dilated. The surgeon explained that sometimes a blood clot will break free during the surgery and make its way into the brain. Alex had had a stroke. There was nothing more they could do.
Moments later, Alex died.
Usually I show off pictures of Gail here, (she's doing find by the way). Gail is a fun dog who loves to constantly run and play, but Alex was the one that I could really count on for affection. He would hop up on my chest when I was resting in my recliner and purr. He would be there at the door to greet me when I came home. He would keep me company when I pooped. He would wake me in the morning, and insist I gave him a thorough petting before I went to sleep at night. He talked to me with his incessant meows, and made sure I never left the house without filling the food and water bowls. Alex loved to get his "full kitty massage" complete with belly rubs, and he was the kind of cat that would walk up and headbutt me to let me know I was his as much as he was mine.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
