Meeting the Pope

John was getting his haircut when he told the barber he was going to Rome on vacation the next day. “Who knows,” said John, “I might even get to meet the Pope!”

“You’ll never meet the Pope,” laughed the barber. “He doesn’t mix with common people anymore.”

“You never know,” said John. “Stranger things have happened.”

“Well, it won’t happen,” snapped the barber, “and I’m so sure of it, I’ll bet you $100 it won’t happen.”

John agreed to the bet, and two weeks later he returned to barber to get his hair cut and tell him about his vacation. “By the way,” said John, “you owe me $100,” and handed the barber a photo of himself standing next to the Pope.

“My God!” exclaimed the barber. “How did that happen?!”

“Well I was walking through St Peter’s Square,” began John, “when the Pope spotted me from his balcony and summoned me to the Vatican because he had a question to ask.”

The barber’s eyes were wide with amazement as he said, “Really? What did he ask you?”

“He said, ‘My son, where in God’s name did you get that terrible haircut?'”

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor. Then he saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived

I know you’re really surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here

Sunday, July 10, 2016


It’s Fucking Hot

This past week was brutal, and next week doesn’t look much better. I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a wuss when it comes to putting up with heat, but nevertheless, it’s been hot outside lately.

How hot was it?

It’s been so hot, the birds are using potholders to take the worms out of the dirt.

It’s been so hot, I bought a loaf of bread, and when I got home I had a loaf of toast!

It’s been so hot, the catfish are already fried when you catch them!

That’s how hot it’s been, and it’s only going to get worse!

Cleaner Jokes?

I take ’em as I get ’em, but here lately I’ve noticed that more of the jokes have been less sexual in nature. It’s been a nice change of pace, and I’d like to have more clean jokes. Alas it reminds me of that famous limerick:

The limerick packs laughs anatomical

Into space that is quite economical.

But the good ones I’ve seen

So seldom are clean

And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Pax,

-f2x

Who’s the Greatest?

A young Jewish boy started attending public school in a small southern town. The teacher of the one-room school decided to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asked the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”

A girl raised her hand and said, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country.”

The teacher replied, “Well, that’s a good answer, but that’s not the answer I am looking for.”

Another young student raised his hand and said, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war.”

“Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for.”

Then the new Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.”

The teacher’s mouth drops open in astonishment. “Yes!” she says, “that’s the answer I was looking for.” She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approached him as he licked his lollipop and said, “Why on earth did you say, ‘Jesus Christ’?”

The boy stopped licking his lollipop and replied, “I know it’s Moses, and YOU know it’s Moses, but business is business!”

Breast Psychic

A blonde sat down at the bar a couple seats over from a man. After a few drinks she started up a conversation with him. “So what kind of work do you do?” she asked innocently.

“Well I’m a breast psychic,” replied the man. “In fact, I could tell you the exact day you were born just by placing my hands on your breasts.”

“OK,” said the blonde, “Let’s see you do it!” as she puffed out her chest towards the man.

The man reached out with one hand and cupped her left breast, then he reached out with his other hand and cupped her right breast. He then began to intently massage the woman’s bosom.

After a couple of minutes, the annoyed blonde said, “Come on, already! What day was I born?”

“Yesterday,” replied the man.

Patently Silly

A man went to the patent office with some of his new designs.

“I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle,” he said to the clerk.

“OK,” said the clerk. “What do you call it?”

“A fottle,” replied the inventor.

“A fottle? That’s silly!” chided the clerk. “Can’t you think of something else?”

“I’ll think about it, but I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.”

“And what do you call that?” asked the clerk.

“A farton”, replied the inventor.

“That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that!”

“In that case,” said the inventor, “you’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”

The Fucking Badge

A DEA officer made a stop at a farm, “I need to inspect your farm for any illegal drug growing.”

The farmer said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in the farmer’s face. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, no questions asked or answers given! Do you understand? Have I made myself clear?”

The farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the farmer heard loud screaming, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by an angry bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he would be gored before reaching safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

So the farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!”

The Perils of being a Nudest

A man moved to a nudist colony. Not long after, he received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture.

The man was too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, so he cut a photo in half and sent her only the top part.

Later that week, he received another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother.

The man cut another picture in half, but accidentally sent his grandma the bottom half.

He was really worried when he realized he sent the wrong half, but then remembered how bad his grandmother’s eyesight was and hoped she wouldn’t notice.

A few weeks later he received another letter from his grandmother. It said, “Thank you for the picture, but please consider changing your hair style. It makes your nose look long!”

Sunday, July 3, 2016


Proud to be a ‘Merkin!

Break out the bunting; it’s that time of year again. This is a special holiday season for me since I’m getting a three day weekend! Woo-hoo!

While I do love this country, I’m not particularly partial to American exceptionalism. Jingoism just reeks of being dreadfully dull and tacky. On the other hand, I can’t think of any other country I’d rather be living in at the moment. The food here is simply the best, and despite what you may have heard, the water is actually safe to drink. While the United States may not be perfect, it is a really terrific place to live and work.

If there’s one thing I hate about the US, it’s all the polarizing politics. This is a presidential election year, so it’s a little worse than usual. To be fair, it’s nothing compared with the previous four elections but still enough to make me gnash my teeth. I’m just going to put all that stuff to the side and enjoy this Independence day.

Still going strong after 240 years! Happy 4th of July!

Pax,

-f2x

Cost Effective

A husband and wife were shopping at the grocery when the man picked up a case of Bud Light and put it in the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.

“They’re on sale! Only $15 for 24 cans”, he said.

“Put it back. We can’t afford it,” the wife scorned.

A few aisles later the woman picked up a $30 jar of face cream and put it in the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” she replied.

“So does a case of Bud Light, and it’s only half the price!”