John was getting his haircut when he told the barber he was going to Rome on vacation the next day. “Who knows,” said John, “I might even get to meet the Pope!”
“You’ll never meet the Pope,” laughed the barber. “He doesn’t mix with common people anymore.”
“You never know,” said John. “Stranger things have happened.”
“Well, it won’t happen,” snapped the barber, “and I’m so sure of it, I’ll bet you $100 it won’t happen.”
John agreed to the bet, and two weeks later he returned to barber to get his hair cut and tell him about his vacation. “By the way,” said John, “you owe me $100,” and handed the barber a photo of himself standing next to the Pope.
“My God!” exclaimed the barber. “How did that happen?!”
“Well I was walking through St Peter’s Square,” began John, “when the Pope spotted me from his balcony and summoned me to the Vatican because he had a question to ask.”
The barber’s eyes were wide with amazement as he said, “Really? What did he ask you?”
“He said, ‘My son, where in God’s name did you get that terrible haircut?'”
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor. Then he saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
I know you’re really surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
This past week was brutal, and next week doesn’t look much better. I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a wuss when it comes to putting up with heat, but nevertheless, it’s been hot outside lately.
How hot was it?
It’s been so hot, the birds are using potholders to take the worms out of the dirt.
It’s been so hot, I bought a loaf of bread, and when I got home I had a loaf of toast!
It’s been so hot, the catfish are already fried when you catch them!
That’s how hot it’s been, and it’s only going to get worse!
Cleaner Jokes?
I take ’em as I get ’em, but here lately I’ve noticed that more of the jokes have been less sexual in nature. It’s been a nice change of pace, and I’d like to have more clean jokes. Alas it reminds me of that famous limerick:
A young Jewish boy started attending public school in a small southern town. The teacher of the one-room school decided to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asked the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”
A girl raised her hand and said, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country.”
The teacher replied, “Well, that’s a good answer, but that’s not the answer I am looking for.”
Another young student raised his hand and said, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war.”
“Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for.”
Then the new Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.”
The teacher’s mouth drops open in astonishment. “Yes!” she says, “that’s the answer I was looking for.” She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approached him as he licked his lollipop and said, “Why on earth did you say, ‘Jesus Christ’?”
The boy stopped licking his lollipop and replied, “I know it’s Moses, and YOU know it’s Moses, but business is business!”
A blonde sat down at the bar a couple seats over from a man. After a few drinks she started up a conversation with him. “So what kind of work do you do?” she asked innocently.
“Well I’m a breast psychic,” replied the man. “In fact, I could tell you the exact day you were born just by placing my hands on your breasts.”
“OK,” said the blonde, “Let’s see you do it!” as she puffed out her chest towards the man.
The man reached out with one hand and cupped her left breast, then he reached out with his other hand and cupped her right breast. He then began to intently massage the woman’s bosom.
After a couple of minutes, the annoyed blonde said, “Come on, already! What day was I born?”
A DEA officer made a stop at a farm, “I need to inspect your farm for any illegal drug growing.”
The farmer said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in the farmer’s face. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, no questions asked or answers given! Do you understand? Have I made myself clear?”
The farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the farmer heard loud screaming, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by an angry bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he would be gored before reaching safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
So the farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!”
A man moved to a nudist colony. Not long after, he received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture.
The man was too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, so he cut a photo in half and sent her only the top part.
Later that week, he received another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother.
The man cut another picture in half, but accidentally sent his grandma the bottom half.
He was really worried when he realized he sent the wrong half, but then remembered how bad his grandmother’s eyesight was and hoped she wouldn’t notice.
A few weeks later he received another letter from his grandmother. It said, “Thank you for the picture, but please consider changing your hair style. It makes your nose look long!”
Break out the bunting; it’s that time of year again. This is a special holiday season for me since I’m getting a three day weekend! Woo-hoo!
While I do love this country, I’m not particularly partial to American exceptionalism. Jingoism just reeks of being dreadfully dull and tacky. On the other hand, I can’t think of any other country I’d rather be living in at the moment. The food here is simply the best, and despite what you may have heard, the water is actually safe to drink. While the United States may not be perfect, it is a really terrific place to live and work.
If there’s one thing I hate about the US, it’s all the polarizing politics. This is a presidential election year, so it’s a little worse than usual. To be fair, it’s nothing compared with the previous four elections but still enough to make me gnash my teeth. I’m just going to put all that stuff to the side and enjoy this Independence day.
Still going strong after 240 years! Happy 4th of July!
I suppose I should start by telling you how it happened. It was an otherwise nondescript day back in February. I went to get out of my rocker-recliner and when I scooched forward to get up, the front armrests bottomed out on the floor as they always do. Unbeknownst to me, Alex just happened to be laying down there that fateful day, and his left arm managed to get pinched.
Of course he yowled the loudest I'd ever heard him yell in his entire life and shot off into the basement. I felt terrible about it, but then I had no way of knowing he was down there when I went to get up. After a short while, Alex came back upstairs, and I was able to check for injury.
Shockingly, there were no broken bones, no blood, and Alex was able to walk just fine. It almost seemed cartoonish at the time, but down the left side of his left arm was a ribbon of flattened fur. He seemed somewhat indifferent to this, and acted like he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Seeing as Alex didn't appear to be in immediate danger, I took a "wait and see" position.
Over the next month, the "ribbon" began to shrink inward towards his elbow. I took this as a good sign that his injury was healing naturally and everything would be fine... But things were not fine. After a month and a half, his elbow began to swell. By mid-April I had to take him in to the vet for an exam.
The vet did a fair bit of Hmmm'ing and scrunched her face a lot. She didn't want to poke it with anything for fear it might introduce something. She took some measurements and expressed a "wait and see" attitude. I then scheduled a follow up appointment two months out.
Only a month later in mid-May, the swelling on his elbow had increased to the point that it started to ulcer. I called the vet and got him in immediately. This time they tried to drain it, but it went horribly. After the first stick, Alex started squirting blood all over the place, and the vet and technician freaked out and were running around looking for towels while I had to hold my cat down in a growing pool of his own blood.
After they got things back under control, she tried again with a larger needle, and went in from a different direction. After plunging to the center of the mass, she remarked that it was solid and that the fluid had probably dispersed into the surrounding tissue. She then went on to suggest that it might even be "malignant" and recommended a biopsy. They gave me an estimate for the procedure that ran from $500 to $800. I immediately left and made an appointment with another vet that I had gone to in the past.
The next day, my alternate vet didn't have any good news. By now, Alex's arm was very infected. At first he suggested that the arm would have to come off, but after noting Alex's age, he pulled back and recommended palliative care. I pushed for a quote on the cost of an amputation, and he informed me it would be around $3500 at the lowest, and that at his age, Alex would only live another 6 months after the surgery, and to just stick with palliative care.
They gave Alex a shot of antibiotics, a shot for long term pain management, prednisolone tablets and a liquid antibiotic, along with an appointment to come back about a month later.
Over the memorial day weekend, I cleaned Alex's wound and administered his meds. Alex was still Alex though. He obviously wanted to live, so I began making phone calls. Eventually I got in touch with the Humane Society. It took week and a half to finally get in, but after looking at Alex's arm, their surgeon said that the arm was "not compatible with long term survival" and agreed to amputate it... in two weeks.
That was the longest two weeks of my life.
Every day that thing on his elbow grew bigger and bigger. In the final week, it started to split open. It looked like something out of a horror movie. The outer layer of skin died off and eventually I had to cut the hard chunk of dried flesh off with scissors. Fortunately the antibiotics prescribed by the second vet kept the wound site free from infection.
And through all of this, Alex was still Alex. He just kept on living his life like nothing was wrong. Even with that thing on his arm, he still walked normal, climbed up and down the stairs, jumped on the bed, table, dresser, et cetera. Part of me knew this cat was gonna make it, but part of me was scared that his arm was going to go septic and Alex would die.
I felt relieved on the day of the surgery. We made it through to this day! Alex would be a tripod, but he was going to live! I dropped Alex off at the Human Society and went to work expecting to pick him up between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm.
My phone rang a little before noon. The voice on the other end informed me that the surgery had gone fine, and they didn't notice anything wrong during the procedure, but in the recovery room, Alex's heart rate began to drop, he went non-responsive, and his pupils dilated. The surgeon explained that sometimes a blood clot will break free during the surgery and make its way into the brain. Alex had had a stroke. There was nothing more they could do.
Moments later, Alex died.
Usually I show off pictures of Gail here, (she's doing find by the way). Gail is a fun dog who loves to constantly run and play, but Alex was the one that I could really count on for affection. He would hop up on my chest when I was resting in my recliner and purr. He would be there at the door to greet me when I came home. He would keep me company when I pooped. He would wake me in the morning, and insist I gave him a thorough petting before I went to sleep at night. He talked to me with his incessant meows, and made sure I never left the house without filling the food and water bowls. Alex loved to get his "full kitty massage" complete with belly rubs, and he was the kind of cat that would walk up and headbutt me to let me know I was his as much as he was mine.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
