Comics
Gail’s Sunday Pic
Sunday, January 7, 2024
It's just so surreal...
Yesterday marked 10 years to the day of my mother's passing. Dad and I went out to dinner to pay homage in her memory. Like the decade before, I never would have dreamed we'd end up where we did.
I still maintain that somewhere along the way, I ended up in the "bad timeline". I'm not saying that things are all that bad, or that I regret my decisions. On the contrary, I'm where I am today in spite of my decisions. No matter what choices I could have made, this is where I was fated to be... and it's so unsatisfying.
On a lighter note
My comic is 20 years old this month! Think about it... 20 years ago I started putting pictures of stick figures up here in an attempt to dress up a rather boring hand coded html page. Seeing how it started and how it turned out is kind of neat. It has certainly gone through some dramatic changes from those original daily panels to my current sporadic offerings. I wish I could have combined the naive wit of my youth with my current "drawing" abilities. I've become far too jaded in my old age and it puts a damper on my creativity.
Of course looking back at some of my early work, I'm not so sure my "wit" was all that great either. The "art" was definitely bad... And now that I'm looking at it, the gags weren't really all that great either, but I was putting out a daily panel rather consistently for a while there.
Yeah, now that I think about it... those old comics sucked. As I'm glancing through them I feel myself cringing in disgust... Wow... Maybe I do have some regrets after all! Oh those wasted hours I spent navel gazing to come up with crap that makes Chis Chan look inspired! Thank god no one is actually reading this shit!
So to wrap it up...
Happy New Year, everybody! I'm really not sure how much stuff I'll add to Flush Twice in '24, but I'll get to it whenever I get the chance. Be sure to like and subscribe, and leave a comment down below if there's anything you'd like to see happen over the next 12 months.
Pax,
-f2xGET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
(Just thought you might like to know.)
Yes, it’s a usable search function! Try it!
Monthly Archives: September 2016
The Atheist’s Afterlife
Jerry was a non-believer. One fateful day, he died and was sent to hell.
To his surprise, the sky was blue, the grass was lush and green, the trees were filled with delicious fruit, and the other condemned souls were running around laughing and playing.
A human-like figure wearing a white tuxedo and a magnificent set of horns came up to Jerry and said, “Welcome to hell, Jerry. I am Satan, and I’m so pleased to meet you! If there’s anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable, be sure to let me know.”
As Jerry explored his unexpected afterlife, he found a large chasm in the ground. It reeked of sulfur and when he looked down inside he saw a humongous chamber filled with flames and screaming souls.
Just then Satan came up and shooed Jerry away from the pit.
“What’s all that going on down there?” asked Jerry.
“Oh, just ignore them,” Satan replied while rolling his eyes. “They’re Christians; they wouldn’t have it any other way.”
The Grieving Blonde
The manager noticed his blonde secretary at her desk in tears.
Deeply concerned, he asked, “What’s wrong?”
The blonde replied, “My mother passed away this morning.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” replied the manager. “Why don’t you go home and take the day off?”
“No thank you,” replied the blonde. “It’s best that I keep myself busy.” And with that the blonde dried her eyes and got back to typing.
Later that day, her manager finds her crying again, so he said, “I know you’re upset about your mother passing away, and I know you said you’d rather keep busy, but the company does provide paid bereavement when you lose a parent.”
Drying her tears again she said, “It’s not that. My sister just called, and her mom passed away this morning too!”
Bug Bites
The Swiss Deposit
An American went into a Swiss bank carrying a large duffel bag.
He walked up to a teller and in a hushed voice said, “I have a million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a Swiss bank account as quickly as possible.”
The teller replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Sir. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”
Got a Prescription?
A man walked into a pharmacy and asked for some Viagra.
The pharmacist said, “Sure, do you have a prescription?”
“No,” answered the man, “but here’s a picture of my wife.”
What’s in a name?
I’ll eventually get back to the abandoned story arc, but for now I need to get the rust out of the pipes. Oh, and I really am changing the name of the comic. I chose “Pathos in the Plumbing” because of the word play. It has some alliteration that I’m famously fond of, my ramblings are full of pathos, and of course you need plumbing to “Flush Twice”. So there it is. It’s done. No take backs.
-f2x
The Screams of Heaven
An old woman died and went to heaven. She was chatting it up with Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden, she heard the most awful bloodcurdling scream.
“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter. “It’s only someone having the holes put into their shoulder blades for wings.”
The old woman felt a little uncomfortable about this, but carried on with the conversation.
A moment later, there were more blood curdling screams.
“Oh my God!” exclaimed the old woman. “Now what is happening?”
“Not to worry,” said Saint Peter. “They’re just having their head drilled to fit the halo.”
“I can’t do this,” said the old woman, “I think I’d rather just go to hell.”
“Oh, you don’t want to go there,” said Saint Peter. “If you go down there, you’ll be raped and sodomized.”
“Maybe so,” said the old woman, “but I’ve already got the holes for that.”
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Reclaiming the Site from Spambots (again)
I had a pretty good htaccess file there for a while, but when I re-installed WordPress, I accidentally deleted it. Almost immediately I saw four times the visitors I normally would, and for some reason they were interested in finding the login page, checking random non-existent plugin directories, and letting me know that they were referred here from spammymcspammer.com.
Fortunately they still haven’t figured out webvitalii’s “Anti-spam” plugin, so I haven’t seen any comment spam at all.
Meanwhile, my ranking with Google seems to be slipping a bit. Maybe it’s because I went on hiatus during the summer, or maybe Flush Twice is becoming less relevant. In any event, I’m not seeing as many legitimate referrals as I used to get, and that means a lot fewer people are actually visiting.
I guess it’s a good thing I do it for the love of the jokes, instead of basing my self-worth on how many visitors I get.
Pax,
-f2x
[Comments]
Dent Repair
A blonde on her way home from work was caught in a hail storm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Naturally, nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, “HELLLLOOOO!!!You need to roll up the windows first.”