Sunday, April 30, 2017

The Game of Idiots

There’s a little game I’m rather keen on playing. I don’t have a name for it, but it works more often than statistically likely.

Let’s say you’re driving down the road. You’re going the traditional 5 miles over the limit, but then you find yourself behind a car that is going at or below the speed limit. For whatever reason, you can forget about getting around this car. What do you do?

After I’ve had enough of this jerk, I’ll look ahead to the next intersection. Long before I get there, I’ll turn on my turn signal. Chances are better than 80/20 they will turn on their turn signal and turn whichever direction I signaled. Then I turn mine off and keep driving straight.

I’m not exactly sure why this works so well, but it kinda makes me wonder about the nature of reality. So far my best guess is that there’s a secret government program that pays people to go out and drive in a legal but irritating fashion. Why? Who knows. It’s stupid conspiracy theory I made up to amuse myself as to why turning on my turn signal tends to make the car in front of me spontaneously decide they want to turn down that road. If you got a better theory that doesn’t just dismiss my experience as some kind of cognitive bias, then lay it on me.

Pax,

-f2x

The Hot New Guy

Tammy and Vicki were admiring the new shirtless hottie in the neighborhood as he mowed his front lawn.

“He looks like a Chippendale dancer,” said Tammy, “but I wonder if he’ll be thoughtful and intelligent.”

“I doubt it,” sneered Vicki. “Guys like him all have their brains between their legs.”

Tammy giggled and said, “If that’s where it is, then I can’t wait to blow his mind!”

Parental Occupations

The teacher asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said, “My mom’s a whore.”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office, then 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked, “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”

Johnny said, “Yes.”

“Well, what did the principal say?”

“He said that every job is important in our economy, asked for my phone number, then gave me an apple.”

The Suspicious Spouse

A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight while en-route home, and he asked the cab driver if he would be a witness, because the man suspected his wife of having an affair, and he wanted to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

After quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there before them was his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man who was also totally nude.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head as the wife shouted, “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

“HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

“HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

“HE paid for your Football season tickets.

“HE paid for our house at the lake.

“HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

“HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.

“And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month.”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, ‘What would you do’?

With an understanding look, the cabby replied, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

The Celibate Prostitute

A local prostitute was brought before the court for solicitation.

The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not guilty when the police had caught her in the act.

The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise.

“I am celibate,” the woman declared.

“Celibate?” the judge asked, wide-eyed. “How can you claim you are celibate?”

“It’s my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there.”

The Farmer’s Filly

A farmer bought a cute little filly that he planned to race next season, but when he got her home, his old stallion got her scent and wanted her. He started kicking up dust and tried to get to her. The farmer didn’t want her pregnant because she wouldn’t be able to race, so he called the vet.

The vet told him to tie a bed sheet around the filly’s rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer did just that.

The next day, the farmer went out to the corral to make sure the vet’s solution worked, but the filly was nowhere to be found. The farmer followed her hoof trail to the neighbor’s farm and saw the neighbor’ kid out by their barn.

“Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?” the farmer asked.

The kid replied, “No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her butt!!”

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Existence is Pain

So yeah, I like R&M, but this time of year is always a pain for me. Ever since I quit smoking back in 2010 (thanks to vaping) my seasonal allergies have been much worse. (And yes, that’s one of the few weird benefits you can get from smoking… It tends to drag down your immune system and suppress other environmental allergies… but I digress.)

Every day I have to take Sudafed (or rather the generic Wal-Phed) to keep the sinus pressure down to tolerable levels. This is not an ideal situation since merely buying the stuff puts you on a government watch list, and it’s not really advised for people who have to take thyroid medication (also a daily pill) due to a potentially dangerous drug interaction. Of course all the other alternatives are essentially non-starters for alleviating the sinus pressure, and that pressure does build into becoming a full blown migraine headache if I don’t address it in a timely manner.

Ever have a migraine? Well, for those of you you haven’t had one before, think about that last time you got an ice cream headache or brain freeze from drinking a frozen smoothie too fast. Those things are excruciating, right? Now imagine that pain lasting for a day and a half or longer. That’s what a migraine feels like, and I get them. It also leads to some secondary ailments like nausea and other unpleasant shit, but I think I’ve horrified enough kids for one day.

So right now, I feel a little like Mr. Meeseeks after he’s been around for a while, but instead of generating an army of myself and going on a rampage, I usually just curl up into a fetal position and pray that it goes away.

Pax,

-f2x

Advice at the Bar

While having drinks with her friends, a woman noticed a rather homely man looking lonely at the bar.

Intrigued by this quiet man, she excused herself from the table and took a seat next to him.

After a brief ice-breaker she said, “You know, if you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

“If I did that,” the man replied, “I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”