Monthly Archives: May 2017

Two parish priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb.

They were sitting in beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead-gorgeous topless blonde came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and greeted them, “Good Morning, Father, Good Morning, Father,” nodding, addressing each of them individually. Then she passed on by.

The men were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them and greeted, “Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father.” She then started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and asked, “Just a minute, young lady.”

“Yes, Father?”

“Yes, we ARE priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”

She replied, “Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.”

While sitting at the bar, Barry asked Bob if he’d found a job.

“I am my wife’s sexual adviser,” said Bob proudly.

Somewhat shocked, Barry said “I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?”

“It’s very simple,” replied Bob. “My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she’ll ask me for it.”

Sandee went to the vet with her pet goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” she told the vet.

The vet took a look at it and said, “It seems calm enough to me.”

“Well hold on a minute,” she said. “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles.

As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said “Man, how did this happen?”

The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.

“Oh,” exclaims the doctor, “The pain must have been excruciating!”

“It was,” said the hunter. “The second worst pain in my life.”

“Second worst? What could have been worse than that?”

“Coming to the end of the chain” said the hunter.

A fellow in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, coming in on a fairly regular basis. After a few weeks, he made his move.

“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

“That must be rather difficult.” the man remarked.

“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she replied, “Though it has made my husband pretty upset.”

There once was an Indian whose given name was “Onestone,” so named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name, and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and threatened, “If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!”

Word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and greeted, “Good morning, Onestone.”

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he had sex with her all day and all night. He had sex with her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

Word got around that Onestone meant serious business!

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village, after being away for many years. Yellow Bird was Blue Bird’s cousin, and she was overjoyed when she saw Onestone! She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

What is the moral of this story? The moral is: You can’t kill two birds with one stone!

“You’ll be fine,” the doctor soothed after finishing the young woman’s surgery.

“But,” she asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, and his face reddened as a small drop ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.

The young woman was alarmed. “What’s the matter, doctor?” she asked, “I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no woman has ever asked me that after having their tonsils taken out.”

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.

She welcomed his help, and so the man started playing her like crazy.

When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

Wasn’t I good enough?” he asked sheepishly.

“Oh, you were marvelous!” she said. “But these crabs are still itching!”