Jeff met his friend Doug at the bar after work and Doug was really upset.
“What’s wrong, pal?” asked Jeff. “You look kind of down.”
“I am. My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car,” said Doug.
“So what’s wrong with that?” remarked Jeff.
“Well,” sighed Doug, “she wants me to be the driver.”
The man was feeling a little frisky after working late one night at the office.
He went home and found his wife sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open. He went to the medicine cabinet, got two aspirin, and dropped them into her mouth.
She started to choke, but quickly recovered and demanded to know, “What did you put in my mouth?”
Nonchalantly he said, “Two aspirin.”
“BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!” she shouted.
Moving in he said, “That’s all I wanted to hear.”
We Gotta Lotta Tomata’s
So far, this year’s experimental crop looks very promising. Of course I’d really like to get a hold of a real horticulturalist who specializes in S. lycopersicum for some feedback on what I’m doing, but it looks like I’m on my own with this one. Of the people I’ve shown these plants, all have been rather impressed. I find this curious, because while I think the plants are doing well, I still think they could be doing a lot better.
Meanwhile, yesterday’s comic is kind of… um… lurid? Alexis likes to play a little rough.
OK, so that about wraps that up. Tune in next week for another episode of “Ripen, You Bastards!”
Pax,
-f2x
A man paid a visit to a psychiatrist and said, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asked, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” said the man.
“Really? Why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugged his shoulders and replied, “We needed the eggs.”
Timmy and Kenny were out hunting deer.
“Did you see that?” asked Timmy.
“No,” said Kenny.
Timmy remarked, “Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead.”
“Oh,” Kenny said with a nod.
A couple of minutes later, Timmy said, “Did you see that?”
“See what?” said Kenny.
“Are you blind?” said Timmy. “There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.”
“Oh,” said Kenny, now shaking his head.
A few minutes later Timmy once again said, “Did you see that?”
By now, Kenny was getting aggravated, so he said, “Yes, I did!”
Timmy looked at him and said, “Then why did you step in it?”
A Jewish congregation honored their retiring Rabbi for his 25 years of service by sending him on an all expenses paid vacation to Hawaii.
When he walked into his hotel room, he found a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.
She greeted with a sultry, “Hi, Rabbi! I’m a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you.”
The Rabbi was incensed. He picked up the phone, called the President of the Temple and shouted, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you, and you have not heard the end of this.”
Upon hearing this, the naked woman got up and started to get dressed.
The Rabbi turned to her and snapped, “Where do you think you’re going? I’m not angry with you!”
The principal walked into the 4th grade class where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
Altogether they came up with about 40 names.
The principal scolded the class and told them that in his day students knew the names of every single state.
One child raised his hand and said, “Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.”
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 94 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
The woman became violent, and in the commotion she ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment where he fell to his death.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 94, if he could still screw, he could fly too!”
Living for the Long Weekend
The 4th of July (US national holiday) falls on a Tuesday this year, and non-service industry workers, government offices, and banks get to take the day off. A lot of times, factory workers (like me) will schedule a vacation day adjacent to the holiday to extend the weekend. Basically I’m taking a 4 day weekend.
Now if I were smart, I would have scheduled the 5th of July as well. After all, People celebrate the night of the 4th. Who wants to get up at 4:30am to go to work after a night of partying? On the other hand, I’m not actually into that whole 4th of July party stuff, so it should be a fairly quiet day at work for me on the 5th, because EVERYONE ELSE WAS SMART ENOUGH TO SCHEDULE THAT DAY OFF.
But still, I’ve written this in advance of the weekend, because the moment this entry posts, I’ll be well into my mini stay-cation, and I don’t want to be bothered with any “work”. I’ll be thinking about you as I drink my Margarita’s under the sun.
Pax,
-f2x
