Jennifer looked in the mirror and sighed to her boyfriend, “Greg, I think I’m ready to see a plastic surgeon.”
“Whatever for, dear?” replied Greg.
“It’s these darned love handles,” said Jennifer. “No matter what I try, I just can’t get rid of them. I’m going to get an operation to have them removed.”
“Oh honey, I know it’s bothering you,” said Greg, “but I like your ears!”
1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.
2. Nothing is free.
3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.
4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.
5. It’s perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.
6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won’t get sued for it.
7. Keep those hard-earned pounds — do nothing!
8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.
9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.
10. Chances are, you won’t feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.
11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won’t lead to any embarrassing situations later on.
12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.
13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.
14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.
15. PMS won’t keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).
16. Being “in the mood” to do nothing is no big effort.
17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.
18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.
19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.
20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.
Rory was talking to Frank about his new girlfriend and said, “The best thing about Susan is that she likes to bring her twin into the bedroom when we have sex.”
“Wow!” exclaimed Frank. “That sounds amazing, but how do you tell the two of them apart?”
“That’s easy,” said Rory. “Her brother has a moustache.”
Janky-net
I just wanted to sort of illustrate what I’m using to connect to the internet these days. Since “Sputum” was so kind as to make me despise everything about them, I’ve had to find an alternative form of home internet.
Make no mistake: This shit sucks. The typical internet user goes through about 60 GB per month. I have to seriously budget every bit that I download. Still, it’s better than the bad taste left in my mouth from the “Sputum”.
Oh, in case you’re wondering how I get 20GB for $50/month, I use two separate sim cards from “Mint sim”. Each is 10GB for $25/month. I just swap them out as I use up the data. I also have one for my cell phone, so technically I get 30GB for $75/month. If anyone knows of a cheaper/better plan, please let me know. Their throttled speeds are basically crap, and I really miss binging on Netflix.
Pax,
-f2x
Late one night, a man heard his wife scream from the bedroom. He jumped up and ran to see what was the matter. As he burst through the door, he saw another man leaping out of the window.
His wife yelled, “That guy just raped me twice!”
“Twice?!” He asked in disbelief. “Why didn’t you scream when he started to rape you the first time?”
The woman cried, “Because until he started the second time, I thought it was you!”
A priest was getting new tires installed on his car. As the car was coming down the lift the priest asked the mechanic if the lug nuts were tight enough.
“No need to worry, Father,” said the mechanic. “They are as tight as a nun’s snatch!”
The priest frowned and said, “You better give’em another turn then.”
The rescue squad was called to the home of a middle aged couple for an apparent heart attack. When the squad got there it was too late, and the man had died.
While consoling the wife, one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered, and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love, and he started moaning, groaning, and then he was panting and sweating while thrashing about the bed. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”
Bored with retirement, Barney went into the Job Center in downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a “Gynecologist’s Assistant”. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings, Montana.”
“Good grief”, Barney asked, “Is that where the job is?”
“No sir, that’s where the end of the line is right now.”
Mildred dragged her husband Harry to the mall so she could by a new dress for an upcoming wedding they had been invited to.
After some time, Harry grew impatient. “Come on Milly. What’s taking you so long to pick out an outfit?”
“Oh hush, Harry”, scolded Mildred. “I want to make a good impression at this wedding. I’m looking for something youthful and wild in a lady’s dress.”
“So am I,” muttered Harry under his breath. “So am I.”
