A senior citizen went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I only have sex once a week.”
The doctor asked, “How old are you?”
The patient replied “Seventy-five.”
“Wait now. You’re 75, and have sex once a week. I think that’s wonderful. What are you complaining about?”
“My neighbor is almost eighty years old, and he says he has sex three times a week, every week.”
The doctor smiled and said, “I can easily solve your problem. From now on, you tell him the same thing.”
A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making.
“One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.”
“What do you mean, Dad?” asked the son quizzically.
“Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, ‘Are you done yet?’ On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, ‘Are you done already?’ a school teacher will say, ‘We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!’ and a nurse will say, ‘This won’t hurt one bit’.
“I thought they said, ‘Pull down your pants and bend over’,” quipped the young lad.
“That’s male nurses,” corrected the father, “but let’s move on. A bank teller will say, ‘Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.’ A stewardess will say, ‘Place this over your face and breathe normally.’…
“And what does mom say?” asked the boy.
The father looked down and paused for a moment before saying, “‘Beige.’ She says, ‘I think we should paint the ceiling beige.'”
A small Alabama Zoo had acquired a female gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla went into heat, and became difficult to handle. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time keeper responsible for cleaning the cages.
Ed had little sense and a reputation for being none too picky about the women he took to bed. With that in mind, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. They approached Ed with a proposition.
“Would you be willing to have sex with that gorilla for $500?” they asked him.
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.”
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
“Well,” said Ed, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”
Though Sal and Ruby divorced several years ago, they still remained good friends.
This was a good thing, since they each lived in the same apartment building.
One day Sal slipped on the ice and broke his arm.
He happened to bump into Ruby in the elevator, and she asked Sal if there was anything she could do to help.
He said, “Well, if it’s not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?”
She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.
“Now isn’t that sweet, Sal,” said Ruby. “He still recognizes me.”
Three nuns met in the main hall. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in the father’s room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms.”
“Oh my,” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked holes in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun said, “Oh shit!”
The Templates
From time to time, you might have heard be mention making or updating the templates. Today I thought I’d share with you what one of my “templates” actually looks like. Mind you, the actual template is quite a bit higher in resolution. This image is only 500×270, but the actual template is more like 7500×4000.
Because using the rotate tool creates “jaggies” and other artifacts, the limbs on the template are at commonly used positions. I select the body parts I need for the character, and discard the rest. I then have the move those pieces into position and cajole them until they look just right.
While I use several tricks to get the most out of this technique, it still has some serious limitations. One of the most frustrating aspects is that sometimes I’ll make a template for a character and then never actually use that template because I end up upgrading the template before the character comes up in one of my arcs.
But when I’ve come up with a script, and it’s time to get crackin’, I break out the templates, sets, speech bubbles, and tails. Hundreds of hours of handcrafted templates allows me to make a great looking panel in under an hour.
Is it ever really that simple? No. Never. In real life the template method I boxed myself into never works like I’d hoped. Last minute custom art has to be forged, and even then it never looks quite right. Then there’s the back and forth decisions and trying to get the phrasing just right (only to later discover a serious typo)… Well you get the idea.
So I hope you enjoyed a little peek behind the scenes. Thanks for stopping by, and as always…
Pax,
-f2x
One day Tom decided to take the opportunity to paint the toilet seat while his wife Margret was out shopping.
Margret came home much sooner than expected and made a beeline for the commode. Needless to say, she got the seat stuck to her rear. Understandably distraught about this Margret had her husband drive her to the doctor.
To protect her dignity, Tom threw a large overcoat over her as they went out the door. When they got to the doctor’s office, he lifted his wife’s coat to show the doctor their predicament.
Tom asked the doctor, “Have you ever seen anything like this before, Doc?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor said scratching his head, “But never framed!”
A man walked into a shoe store and asked for a pair of size 8 shoes.
The salesman said, “But, sir, from what I can see, you’re at least a size 11.”
The guy said, “Just bring me the size 8 shoes.”
The salesman brought them, the guy stuffed his feet into them, tied them tight, and then he stood up, obviously in a lot of pain. “They’re perfect,” he said with an uncomfortable wince. “I’ll take ’em.”
The salesman just had to ask, “Sir, it’s obvious these shoes don’t fit. Why are you insisting on getting them?”
With a heavy sigh, the man said to the salesman, “I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is fucking my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes.”
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to the gynecologist.
He took one look at the woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked the woman to undress.
After she disrobed, the gynecologist began stroking her thigh. He asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”
“Yes”, she replied. “You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities.”
“That’s right”, said the gynecologist.
Emboldened, he began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?”
“Yes, you are checking for any lumps or breast cancer,” she replied.
“Correct”, said the gynecologist.
Deciding to go for broke, he unzipped his pants and stuck his you-know-what into you-know-where.
“Do you know what I am doing now?”
“Yes,” she said dryly. “You’re getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.”
