Author Archives: f2x

Just in case you weren’t sure about whether or not you were a member, here’s a little self test to help you determine if perhaps you might be part of the notorious “Taliban”.

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

A Harvard man and a Yale man go into a washroom and use the urinals. After they are done, the Harvard man stopped to wash his hands, while the Yale man headed for the door.

The Harvard man looked at the Yale man disapprovingly and said, “At Harvard, we take care to wash our hands after using the lavatory.”

“Well,” the other replied, “at Yale, we know not to piss on our hands.”

A small-town country boy gets a scholarship to Harvard. While still learning to get around the place, he was trying to find the library to meet up with a study group. Lost and wandering around, he sees a man walking by and asks, “do you know where the library is at?”

The man stops, looks at him, and sniffs, “Son, at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition”.

“OK. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”

A group of Yale students are travelling around the South on their Spring Break. They pass an old man, sitting on a porch who asked them, “Where you boys from?”

“Yale,” they reply.

The old man stands up and shouts, “WHERE YOU BOYS FROM!”

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun asked.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters’. They are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a Mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for their service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,  her Father cussed her.   ‘Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?’

The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff…Dad…I became a prostitute…’

‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.’

‘OK, Dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings  certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and…’

‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad.

Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff… a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.’

‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.’