Black Eye at the Bar

Guy walks in a bar with a black eye and sits down.

The barman says “That looks nasty, what happened”?

The man says” My wife complained that we don’t make love like they do in the movies, so I ripped her clothes off and bent her over the sink. Then I fucked her hard while spanking her and then pulled out, spat on my dick and stuck it in her ass. I then threw her on the floor and came on her face and tits”.

The barman said ” Wow, that sounds amazing, but why the black eye”?

“Well, it turns out we don’t watch the same movies”.

Three Wishes for Three Friends

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish. The first guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

The second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

The third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

The first guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him anymore.

The second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.

The third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

The first guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

The second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: “Guys, I think I fucked up.”

Life in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he’s wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.

The Devil: Why so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.

The Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here… Do you drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

The Devil: Well you are gonna love Mondys.. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer…we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn’t matter because you are already dead!

Guy: That sounds great.

The Devil: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes.

The Devil: You’re going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer – who cares! You’re already dead!

Guy: Wow!

The Devil: Do you gamble?

Guy: I do.

The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want…blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever… If you lose your shirt…who cares!

Guy: Amazing!

The Devil: You into drugs?

Guy: You don’t mean…

The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself to all the drugs that you want! Who cares… you’re dead!

Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swinging place!

The Devil: By any chance are you gay?

Guy: No.

The Devil: Ooooh – you’re gonna hate Fridays.

The Golfer’s Girlfriend

An avid golfer had never gotten to know a female well enough to have a steady relationship. As the years went by, he realized he’d probably never get married, since he sure wasn’t giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very fond of each other. He kept asking himself: “Is this the one?”

One evening at a restaurant, he opened up to her. “As you have probably figured out, I’ve grown very fond of you, and have started to think about a future together”

She interrupted to say “I have been feeling the same was about us.”

He smiled at her and continued: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?”

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course just about every day, every holiday, just every chance I get. I try to play 36 holes each day, but if the weather is good, I’ll try to pay even more.”

He finished with: “I thought you should know before we go any further.”

She pondered this for a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, “I’m a hooker.”

There is a long pause, and her heart was sinking with every second of protracted silence.

She watched him fidget with his hands, and still there is silence. She began to despair.

Finally, he picks his head and looks right at her: “That’s not really a problem. Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”

Pets Passing

A German Shepherd, Labrador retriever and a cat died and went to heaven. All three sat before God who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German shepherd said, “I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master.”

Good,” said God. “Then sit down on my right side. Labrador, what do you believe in?

The Labrador answered, “I believe in the love, care and comforting of my master.

“Ah,” said God. “You may sit to my left.”

Then he looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

The cat answered, “I believe you’re sitting on my seat.”

No Stop Sunday

A man on a train gets up and moves to the doors. A conductor notices and says “Sorry sir, this train doesn’t stop at the next station on a Sunday night.” Seeing how disappointed he is, the conductor says “It does slow down going through the station though, perhaps there is a way I could help you if you like.”

So as the train slows down the conductor takes hold of the mans coat collar and lifts him out over the platform, “Start running in the air so you don’t fall over as you touch the ground.”

The man starts running in the air as the conductor lowers him and he has so much momentum as he hits the platform that he runs past his carriage and comes alongside the next one, the door of that carriage opens and a passenger reaches out, grabs his coat collar and lifts him inside, slamming the door, saying “You’re lucky there mate, this train doesn’t stop here on a Sunday night.”

Psychiatric Rounds

A psychiatrist was doing his rounds in a mental hospital.

In the first room he saw a patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asked the patient what he was doing.

The patient said, “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player.”

The doctor remarked that was a good goal to have and moved to the second room where he saw a patient standing on his bed swinging an imaginary golf club.

The doctors asked him what he was doing and the patient replied, “I’m not going to be here forever. When I get better I want to be a golfer.”

The doctor said that it is good to have goals and moved on to the third room where he saw the patient standing on his bed pouring a bowl of cashews down his pants while performing pelvic thrusts.

The doctor asked, “hat the hell are you doing?”

The patient responded, “I’m never getting out of here! I’m fucking nuts!”

Cunnilingus Craving

John had just gotten out of prison. All he had in his possession was a shoe lace and $10.00. While he was in prison, all he could think about was eating pussy. That is all he wanted to do when he finally got out.

Now that he was out and had some money, he went to the nearest whorehouse to fulfill his dream. He went up to the counter, slapped his $10.00 bill on the counter, and told the person, “I want to eat some pussy.”

The guy behind the counter looked at him, and said, “Dude, this is $10. I can’t get you anything for that. What year do you think it is?”

John grabbed the guy by the collar and started shaking him “I just got out of prison. Im going to eat some pussy if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Okay, okay….I think we can work something out,” the guy said.

He led John to the back of the whore house to the oldest, most used up worker in the place. “Well…this is what you get for $10.”

John didn’t care. He started going to town. While he was doing the deed, he felt something get stuck between his teeth. It was a Corn Flake. “Okayyyy,” he thought. He had corn flakes for breakfast, so not a big deal. He continued on his quest until he felt something else get stuck in his teeth. It was chipped beef. “Okay, this is really weird”, he thought. They sometimes served chipped beef in prison, but John hasn’t had it in weeks. He started to feel ill and said, “I think I’m going to throw up.”

The worker looked down at him and said, “That’s what the last guy said.”

Watch Repair

A man walks down the street and suddenly notices his watch has stopped working.

He looks around looking for a watch shop nearby. At the end of the street he sees a small store with a big clock hanging outside and he goes over there. When he enteres the store, to his surprise he does not see a display of watches, but only a long counter, behind it sits a Jewish rabbi with a long white beard.

“Hello,” the man says, “Can you please check my watch, I think it broke down.”

“I’m sorry,” the seller says “I do not know anything about watches. I am a mohel. I perform circumcisions”.

“How nice,” the man answers “definitely important work.” He continues. “But if so, why did you hang a large clock outside your store?”

“Well,” replies the mohel “What do you expect me to hang out there?”