Guy walks in a bar with a black eye and sits down.
The barman says “That looks nasty, what happened”?
The man says” My wife complained that we don’t make love like they do in the movies, so I ripped her clothes off and bent her over the sink. Then I fucked her hard while spanking her and then pulled out, spat on my dick and stuck it in her ass. I then threw her on the floor and came on her face and tits”.
The barman said ” Wow, that sounds amazing, but why the black eye”?
“Well, it turns out we don’t watch the same movies”.
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”
The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish. The first guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
The second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
The first guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him anymore.
The second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.
The third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
The first guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”
The second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: “Guys, I think I fucked up.”
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he’s wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.
The Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here… Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
The Devil: Well you are gonna love Mondys.. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer…we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn’t matter because you are already dead!
Guy: That sounds great.
The Devil: Do you smoke?
The Devil: You’re going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer – who cares! You’re already dead!
The Devil: Do you gamble?
Guy: I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want…blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever… If you lose your shirt…who cares!
The Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: You don’t mean…
The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself to all the drugs that you want! Who cares… you’re dead!
Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swinging place!
An avid golfer had never gotten to know a female well enough to have a steady relationship. As the years went by, he realized he’d probably never get married, since he sure wasn’t giving up golf.
As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very fond of each other. He kept asking himself: “Is this the one?”
One evening at a restaurant, he opened up to her. “As you have probably figured out, I’ve grown very fond of you, and have started to think about a future together”
She interrupted to say “I have been feeling the same was about us.”
He smiled at her and continued: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”
“What is it?”
“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course just about every day, every holiday, just every chance I get. I try to play 36 holes each day, but if the weather is good, I’ll try to pay even more.”
He finished with: “I thought you should know before we go any further.”
She pondered this for a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, “I’m a hooker.”
There is a long pause, and her heart was sinking with every second of protracted silence.
She watched him fidget with his hands, and still there is silence. She began to despair.
Finally, he picks his head and looks right at her: “That’s not really a problem. Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”
I took a manufacturing job back in August with a new company. Suffice to say I'd rather not say, but if I did happen to say, you'd recognize the name immediately. It's a Fortune 500, but not the Walmart, Amazon, McDonald's kind, so yeah, we're playing in the majors.
My career trajectory has had a few interesting turns. Previous to '95 I was a job butterfly. I flitted around from job to job, some good, some bad, but never stayed anywhere for any significant amount of time. One year I went through 10 different employers, and never once during those days did I ever go on unemployment or welfare. Jobs came easy for me, and I always paid my way.
Back in '95 I landed a position as a Robotics Technician for a company controlled by General Motors... But I didn't actually work for GM. I absolutely love robots. I had that job for about two years, but things started getting rather dicey around there, so I got out. Good thing too, because they went out of business less than 6 months later.
So in '97 I took a job at a plastics company. At first I couldn't believe I had found such an amazing place. The pay was nothing to write home about, but the work was easy, the environment was laid back, the coworkers were great, the benefits were decent, and the 3rd shift hours worked well for me. After a few years I was even able to buy a house, but 9-11 happened less than a month later and everything was different.
The aftermath left me feeling a bit gutted, and I wanted to do something. While still working at the plastics company I joined the Army Reserves back in the fall of 2005. It's something I look back on fondly, but I really think it was a major mistake on my part both financially and physically. Other than being able to say I was there, I gained no benefit from that experience. After 6 years I got out. Two years later my honorable discharge arrived in the mail. That's all I have to say about that.
Back to the plastics company where I was still employed: Over the years things changed. The benefits dwindled, the hours grew longer, the pace grew more frantic, a lot of coworkers retired and/or died, and while I eventually ended up in a leadership role, I felt something was very wrong. So I got a job working for Amazon delivery.
Yeah, but I never actually made it to Amazon. A head hunter caught my resume and saw robotics and plastics. I was a perfect fit for this tier 1 auto supplier, and the money was actually really good. I was on track to pay off all my old debts in under two years but 10 months later I bought a new car, and a few months after that things started going off the rails. They fired a bunch of people that shouldn't have been fired and it started a chain reaction. People were already overworked, so the resignations started piling in. On top of that, they were increasing monthly insurance premiums by $250! Suddenly this wasn't looking like a place I wanted to be anymore, so my resignation was about to be added to that pile.
But before I left, I started putting out job applications on Indeed, and wouldn't you know it, I got a lot of responses. Some good, some bad, but then there was this one response from a long shot. I honestly didn't believe it at first. They reached out again, but I thought it was just some automated form they send to everyone who clicked. After the 3rd Letter I called them. Like a dork, I naively asked if they were serious about wanting to hire me, and the person said, "Yes! We've tried to contact you three times already!"
Sometimes I can be such a dense headed putz! Fortunately for me, their impression was more professional, and the interview went great! I got the job, and kissed my robots goodbye for a second time. I really miss those guys.
So in a way it's like when I started working at the plastics factory. I'm on the night shift, which is what I prefer, the work is easy, the environment is laid back, the coworkers are great, they benefits are nice, and frankly the pay ain't too shabby. Like most companies, they have their strengths and weaknesses, but over all, I feel like this is a place I can hang around till I retire.
So that's that. I'm still alive and kickin'. The house is a mess, but I'm grateful to have a home. I still owe an obscene amount of money to my creditors, but my bills are paid. I've even been dating someone who I have almost nothing in common with, but we like each other's company, and she doesn't seem to mind my warped sense of humor. She's also trying to get me to lose weight and make better food choices. (Yes, I am way too fat again. Go figure.)
So a special thanks to everyone who's contributed to the content of this site over the years. I'm sorry I haven't been maintaining it of late, and even sorrier still that I have decided to retire the submission page. It isn't here now. The submission page went away. The submission page is gone.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this site just yet, but if you have any suggestions, you can leave me a comment here or contact me through email. My username is flush2x on gmail, and from there I'll let you figure it out.
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.