Author Archives: reddit

A chicken walked into a public library, marched up to the desk and said, “Bok, bok , bok, bok.”

So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”

Once again the librarian handed the chicken a book, the chicken accepted it, and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken was back again! It marched up to the librarian, threw the book on the desk, then said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”

The librarian handed the chicken a third book, but this time decided to follow the bird. She watched the chicken hurry down the street and stop at a pond, where there was a frog sitting on a lily pad.

The chicken showed the book to the frog, but the frog just shook its head and said, “reddit, reddit, reddit”

The old man is beloved in his community and everyone is sad. He calls his family in and tells them “for my last wish, I want a license to practice law. I don’t care how much you have to spend or who you have to bribe but I can not die happy unless I have that license.”

They are very puzzled but are determined to carry out his last wish. It takes a couple of weeks but they bribe some officials and get someone to claim to be him and pass the bar exam. Finally the license arrives when he is on his deathbed.

He says “Now I can die happy knowing that some good will come of this, and my friends and family will not be sad, because now when I die there will be one less lawyer”

The forest animals decided that they didn’t like stepping on crap every day, so they got together and built an outhouse.

Everything was great and forest floor was much cleaner after that. But one day, they found out, that window on the outhouse was broken. So they held a meeting and asked if anybody knew anything about the broken window.

Sheepishly, the rabbit said, “I am a bit embarrassed, but last night I was using the outhouse, when the bear came in. He grabbed me, did his business, then he wiped his ass with me and threw me out the window.”

The animals reprimanded bear and made him fix the window, but after a couple of days the door was smashed. Another meeting was called and again asked if anybody knew anything about the broken door.

Sheepishly the fox said, “I am a bit embarrassed, but last night as I was using the outhouse, the bear came in. He did same thing with me as with rabbit a few days ago, but he threw me out through the door.”

So the animals again reprimanded the bear, made him repair the door, and explained as best as possible that this behavior will not be tolerated.

Then two days later, the whole outhouse was destroyed. It was completely smashed to pieces. Again a meeting was called and asked if anybody knew anything about it.

Sheepishly, the porcupine said, “I am a bit embarrassed…”

A boy comes home from college

He was a bright kid, and the first person from his small town to actually attend college. So when he came home, no expenses were spared.

The town threw a huge party in the center of town, with everyone cooking and bringing a dish. There was music, dancing, food, all to celebrate his return.

As the town sat down to eat, the boys father raises a toast. After he asks the boy,

“So, what did ya learn, out there at that fancy school o’ yours?”

“Well” says the son, “π r²”

All of a sudden, the father knocks his son to the ground.

“Dad what’s wrong!?!” The son says

The father, furious, says,

“You mean to tell me, that we spent all this money, you spent all that time, just to tell me Pie are square?!?!? We know that Pie are round!!!! Corn bread are square!!!”

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. When he touched it, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that she could deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, the man blurted out, “Turn the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped her hands and the entire sea turned into brew.

The other man looked in disgust at the one who made the wish and said, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

An armed masked man burst into a bank and yelled “EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!”

Terrified, the patrons and staff complied.

As the robber loaded up his sack with cash, his mask slipped off. He quickly pulled it back up and saw two guys who may have seen his face.

He pointed his gun at the first guy, “Did you see my face?”

“Yes”

BANG! He shot him dead on the spot.

The robber pointed his gun at the second guy, “Did you see my face?”

The second guy pointed to a woman sitting in the reception area, “No, but my mother in law did!”

The preacher liked to coordinate his message with the choir every Sunday.

One week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of steadfastness in our service to God. What hymn should we sing?”

A member of the choir chimed in with, “I Shall Not Be Moved!”

The next week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of tithes and gladness in giving to the Lord. What hymn should we sing?”

A different member of the choir called out, “Jesus Paid It All.”

The following week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this week on the evils of fornication. What hymn should we sing?”

From the back row an older choir member sighed fondly, “Precious Memories.”

An accordion player stops at a convenience store to grab a six pack.

As he’s closing the car door he sees his accordion in the back seat and has a split thought that maybe he should put it in the trunk, but then thinks nah, he’s literally gonna be just 20 feet away for 2 minutes.

The guy’s in the shop for only 90 seconds, but as he’s coming out sees that his rear window has been smashed. He shouts “oh no, not again”!

He looks in the back seat, and sure enough, there’s three accordions.

A man and his wife were having hard financial times, so they decided she could make money as a prostitute. Being new and not quite sure what to do, she asked her husband what to do.

He explained, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you’ve got any questions, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

Not five minutes go by when a John pulled up and asked, “How much?”

“A hundred dollars,” the woman announced.

“Damn! All I’ve got is thirty,” the man sighed.

“Hold on,” said the woman, and she ran back to her husband. “What can he get for thirty dollars?”

“You can use your hand to jerk him off,” he replied.

She ran back and told the guy that all he could have for $30 was a hand job. He agreed, so she got in the car and unzipped his pants.

Out popped an incredibly large cock. It was the biggest she had ever seen. She stared at it for a minute, and said, “I’ll be right back.”

She ran back around the corner to her husband and said, “I need you to loan this guy 70 bucks!”

It was the first day of school, and the new first grade teacher was taking down the children’s names.

One boy spoke up and said, “My name is Johnny Fuchauer.” (F*ck-hour)

Miffed by the obvious fake name, the teacher retorted, “There’ll be none of that nonsense this year, Johnny! Now tell me your REAL name!”

The kid said, “No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuchauer. You can go across the hall to second grade and ask my brother if you don’t believe me!”

So the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the second grade classroom door. The second grade teacher had stepped out for a moment, so the first grade teacher entered the room and asked the class, “Do you have a Fuchauer in here?”

A kid in the front row replied, A fuck hour? Heck, we don’t even get a cookie break!”