Category Archives: Jokes

Have you ever noticed that teenagers are a lot like cats?

• Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
• No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane.
• All of your efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
• You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
• Even if you tell jokes as well as Robin Williams, neither cats nor teens will ever crack a smile.
• No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
• Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
• Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
• Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating a sense of complete and utter boredom.
• Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
• Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Editor’s note: The Ginger Jokes series has been our most popular.
We have two other pages you may also like to see:
Ginger Jokes
Ginger Jokes Part III

Ginger Baby

A father-to-be paces up and down the corridors of the maternity unit when the midwife suddenly bursts through the doors of the delivery room.

“Your baby has been delivered sir, but I’m afraid theres some good news and bad news”. “oh my god” says the father, “whats the bad news?”

Well im afraid your baby has been born ginger” says the midwife, “bloody hell!!” screams the father in horror, “what the hell can the good news possibly be then!!”

“well fortunately sir” explains the delighted midwife “your child was also born dead!”

Ginger Bet

A ginger and a blonde met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The ginger bet the blonde $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the blonde replied, “I’ll take that bet!” Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the ginger gave the blonde the $50.

The blonde said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”.

The ginger said “No. A bet’s a bet”.

So the blonde said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”.

“Well, so did I”, said the ginger, “but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Ginger  Jamborie

What do a redhead and a freezer have in common?
They’ve both got ice on the inside.

How can two redheads become invisible in a crowd of three?
When they’re with a blonde.

Why do redheads take the pill?
Wishful thinking.

What do you call a good looking man with a redhead?
A hostage.

What do you call a redhead with large breasts?
A mutant.

What do you call a redhead with a blond on either side?
An interpreter.

Why was the first football pitch sketched out on a redhead’s chest?
They needed a level playing field.

Why are redheads flat chested?
It makes it easier to read their T- shirts.

What’s the difference between a redhead and a jelly?
A jelly wobbles when you eat it.

How can you tell when a redhead’s been using a computer?
There are lipstick marks on the screen.

What do you call a redhead whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Shocked.

What do redheads miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

How many gingers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they prefer to sit in the dark.

We have two other pages you may also like to see:
Ginger Jokes
Ginger Jokes Part III

Thanksgiving in the USA  is Thursday, November 26 this year. Here’s a few common phrases you will probably hear during the festivities (that would likely get you slapped otherwise).

1. Talk about a huge breast

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It’s cool whip time.

4. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst.

5. That’s one terrific spread.

6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some.

10. Don’t play with your meat.

11 Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you will be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once.

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He’s all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They’re trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it’s be a chicken sedan.

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear about the new “divorced” Barbie doll that they’re selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.

AQ. What’s a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two – if they’re thinly sliced.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick

Q. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three – his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.

Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.

Q. What is Osama bin Laden’s idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.

Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don’t ask her out again.

Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

Q. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.

Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can’t?
A. Come in five different flavors.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They’re going to call it FED UP!

Q. What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who’s a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

God was just about done creating humans but He had two parts left over.

He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might as well just ask them.

He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

“It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, “and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it.”

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, “Oh, please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!” On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place – first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump from ten feet away – laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”

What’s it called asked Eve.

And God replied, “Brains”.

Editor’s note: The Ginger Jokes series has been our most popular.
We have two other pages you may also like to see:
More Ginger Jokes
Ginger Jokes Part III

What’s a redhead’s idea of the shortest way to a
man’s heart? Through the breastbone.

What is the difference between a redhead and a
terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night? A redhead!

What’s safer: a redhead or a piranha?
The piranha. They only attack in schools.

How do you get a redhead’s mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds.

What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
Normal.

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead
happy. One is to let her think she is having her
own way, and the other is to let her have it.

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there’s a “peel and win” sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming,”I’ve won a motorhome!  I’ve won a motorhome!”

The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch!”

But the blonde keeps on screaming, “I’ve won a motorhome!  I’ve won a motorhome!”

Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken.  You couldn’t have possibly won a motorhome because we didn’t have that as a prize.

The blonde says, “No, it’s not a mistake.  I’ve won a motorhome!”  And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads . . .

W I N A B A G E L

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, “I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find ’em?”

The pharmacist replied, “Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They’re on aisle 4.”

“No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it,” growled the farmer.

“Sir,” said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, “PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I’m sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide.”

“Listen here, ” argued the farmer, “I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife’s got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!”

Sex Jokes

Note: These have all been around for a while, and I have no citations as to whether they are correctly attributed, but I thought these would be fun.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
Lynn Lavner

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation.
The other eight are unimportant.”
George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
Sharon Stone

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked !'”
Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
Joan Rivers

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
Steve Martin

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.”
Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
George Burns

Dear Grandson,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I’m glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is…and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of God. Go. Go. Jesus Christ, Go.” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking. I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach.” I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing… why, even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again  and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

Love, Grandma

Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”

Furious, Bert yelled, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Margaret?”

“Nope,” she replied.

“It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!”

Without changing her expression Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”