While looking though an old photo album of relatives long gone, the young lady asked, “Grandma, do you ever think about the hereafter?”
“I think about the hereafter every day,” the grandmother replied. “Every time I walk into a room or open a closet door, I think, ‘Now what was I here after?;”
A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and lawyer. The two came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.
They sat for a long while until the doctor quietly said, ”You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Shouldn’t you tell us why you asked us to come.”
The old preacher wheezed and said ”Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”
“He’s being a silly old fart,” she replied. “The first time he makes love is in August, and the second time is in January!”
A group of nuns were attending a baseball game. Four men were sitting directly behind them.
Because the nun’s habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think we should move to Utah. I hear there are only 100 nuns living there.”
Then the second guy spoke up and said, “Oh not there! We should go to Missouri! There are only 75 nuns living in that state!”
The third guy said, “I think we should go to Texas! There are only 50 nuns living in that whole state!”
The fourth guy said, “No, no, no! The place to go is Maine! There are only 25 nuns living there!”
The mother superior turned and stared the men down while using a very sweet and unnervingly calm voice. “Why don’t you all go to hell? There won’t be any nuns there!”
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever about the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
“Well, you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro sheepishly said.
“Oh great!” exclaimed the beginner. “NOW you tell me!”
After spending a weekend in Las Vegas, a man came home with a cool $100,000 in cash winnings. Not wanting anyone to know about it, he dug a hole in the back yard and hid the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found someone had dug it up and taken the money. He noticed the footprints from the hole led to the house next door where his deaf-mute neighbor lived.
Down the street lived a professor who understood sign language. Knowing this, the enraged man grabbed his pistol, dragged the professor to the deaf man’s house and held the deaf man at gunpoint
The man growled at the professor, “Tell this guy that if he doesn’t tell me where my money is, I’ll kill him!”
The professor conveyed the message, and the deaf-mute replied in sign language: “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.”
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, “He said he will never tell you. He would rather die first.”
A young secretary had just returned from her vacation and was telling her boss about the fun time she had. She then asked him for two weeks leave so that she could get married.
“But you just had two weeks off,” her boss protested. “Why didn’t you get married then?”
“What?!” she cried. “And ruin my vacation?”
A guy walked into a bar with a banana on his head.
The bartender casually mentioned, “I don’t know if you realize this, but you’ve got a banana on your head.”
“That’s okay,” said the guy. “I always wear a banana on my head on Tuesdays.”
“But today is Wednesday,” explained the bartender.
“Oh no!” exclaimed the guy as he turned pale. “I must look like a complete idiot!”
A man walked into a dentist’s office and said, “Excuse me, can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist explained, “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.”
“Yes, I know,” acknowledged the man.
“So, why did you come in here?” asked the dentist.
Nonchalantly the man said, “The light was on.”
An employer didn’t want to hire a particular applicant, so he decided to give him a nonsense test, hoping the man wouldn’t be able to answer the questions. The employer figured that when the man couldn’t figure out any sensible answer, he would just give up without an argument.
So the employer gave the man his first question: “Without using numbers or letters or hash marks, write down a way to represent the number 9.”
The applicant said, “That’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees.
The employer responded, “What the hell is that?”
The man said, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.”
“Fair enough,” said the employer. “Your second problem is to use the same rules, but represent the number 99.”
The man stared into space for a while, then made a smudge on each tree. “There you go sir,” he said confidently.
The employer scratched his head and said, “How on earth is that supposed to represent 99?”
The job seeker explained, “Each tree is dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree. That’s 99!”
The employer was getting worried that he’d have to hire the guy, so he said, “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100.”
The man stared into space again, then shouted, “Got it!” He made little marks at the base of each tree, and said, “There you go sir, 100.”
The employer looked at page and said, “You must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!”
The man leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the tree bases, and said, “A little dog came along and pooed by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred. Now when do I start the job?”
