Category Archives: Jokes

The town had been overrun by squirrels. Desperate, the Mayor brought in dozens of stray cats. Unfortunately the cats made things worse, pooping in people’s gardens, killing songbirds, and overturning trashcans. The mayor had to get rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The owner of the hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels were back again, and this time they brought some of their friends from the forest.

Finally the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. So now the squirrels only come around on Christmas and Easter.

A lawyer had just successfully defended a major crime lord of all charges stemming from racketeering, dealing drugs, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.

As he was leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabbed him by the arm and scolded, “Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I’ve never seen such a shameless display. Why, I believe you would defend Satan himself!”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” the lawyer replied casually. “But tell me, what has your boy done?”

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. The man replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”

The bartender then asked, “Would you care for a cigarette?”

The man replied, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”

Not giving up, the bartender invited the man to play a game of pool, but again the man responded with, “No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but I’m waiting for my son.”

The bartender remarked, “Let me guess… Your only son?”

Sandy invited Mitch to her house for dinner. When he arrived he saw that she had a couple of dogs. As the dogs greeted the young man, he asked, “What are their names?”

“Well oldest is named ‘One’ and the other is called ‘Two'” explained Sandy.

As Mitch petted the furry critters he asked, “Why did you name them that?”

With a gleam in her eye she said, “Well I figured that when One dies, I’ll still have Two.”

In the Army, Airborne soldiers attend special training to parachute out of planes. During one particular class, the topic was on what to do in the event that the main parachute fails. After covering the basics on the reserve parachute, one soldier raised his hand.

After the instructor acknowledged the young private, he asked, “How long do we have to deploy the reserve if the main parachute malfunctions?”

Looking the troop square in the face, the instructor replied, “The rest of your life.”

Mitch saw a gorgeous lady at the end of the bar and flashed his best smile at her.

The woman noticed and immediately took interest. She casually strolled down the bar towards him, and took a seat next to him.

“I couldn’t help but notice your smile,” she said in a sultry tone. “Could I interest you in leaving this bar and going someplace else?”

Grinning from ear to ear, Mitch replied, “Sure thing, darlin’. Where to?”

She looked into his eyes and cooed, “The dentist.”

Bob stopped over to see his buddy Jason, and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can’t believe it!” exclaimed Bob. “That has to be the smartest dog that ever lived!”

Jason shrugged, “He ain’t that smart. I’ve beat him the last three out of five.”

The printer output on the work center began to grow faint, so the business owner called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told the business owner he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Surprised by the candor, the business owner asked, “Does your boss know that you’re discouraging business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

It seemed like the honeymoon was over before it started, and the unhappy couple decided to end their marriage after a very short time. They had already went to a marriage counselor in an attempt to reconcile, but to no avail the couple ended up in court to finalize their divorce.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on a single thing.”

The wife interjected, “Seven weeks.”

A gentleman walking down the street was passing a restaurant. As he strolled by he noticed the diner next to the window was eating the biggest, juiciest steak he had ever seen.

When he got back to the office, he told his associates about what he saw, and they were all very excited to see these enormous steaks for themselves. After work, the group went to the restaurant for supper.

They asked to be seated near the back of the restaurant, and were handed their menus, but they knew what they wanted and promptly ordered their steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out the smallest steaks they’d ever seen.

“Now see here,” the embarrassed gentleman said to the waiter. “Earlier today when I walked by your establishment, you served BIG, juicy steaks. Now that my friends and I are here, you are serving these small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?”

“Well, sir,” replied the waiter, “You and your friends aren’t sitting by the window.”