A young man sat down at the bar and order 6 shots of whisky.
“6 shots?!?” cried the bartender. “Are you celebrating something?”
“Yeah. My first blowjob.”
As the bartender started pouring the shots he said, “In that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”
“No thanks,” said the young man. “If 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”
The day finally came that Private Johnson was to be honorably discharged from the military.
“I suppose now that you’ve got your honorable discharge,” snarled his company commander, “you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.”
“No Sir!” the soldier replied. “I don’t want to spend that much time standing in line.”
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said Ben, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
Agnes went to the store to buy some toilet paper. She was a bit overwhelmed by the selection and asked a clerk for assistance. “So what are all these different options on all these toilet papers?” she asked.
The clerk explained, “Well some of them have ripples to help clean better, some have two ply for added strength, some have built in lotion for softness…”
“That’s all good and well, but I’m living on a fixed income. Which one is the cheapest?” asked Agnes.
“Here you go, Ma’am,” said the clerk as he handed Agnes a roll of tissue.
“And what brand is this?” She asked skeptically.
“It’s our store brand,” explained the clerk. “It doesn’t really have a name.”
Agnes bought the toilet paper and took it home. A week later she was back at the grocery shopping and ran into the clerk from the week before.
“I think I’ve got the perfect name for that toilet paper you sold me,” said Agnes. “You should call it John Wayne.”
“And why is that?” asked the clerk.
Agnes replied, “Because it’s rough, it’s tough, and it don’t take shit off of nobody!”
An old man on his deathbed told his friend, “Frank, I want you to promise me that after I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what shall I do with your ashes?” asked Frank.
The old man said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service with a note on it that says, ‘Now you have everything.’”
Mrs. Banker was in her late 90’s and lived next door to the Peterson’s.
Being concerned about the aged widow, Mrs. Peterson told her young daughter, “Dear, would you please go next door and see how old Mrs. Banker is today?”
The young girl went over to see Mrs. Banker and not even a moment later she was back to tell her mother, “Mrs. Banker told me to tell you, it’s none of your business how old she is.”
Two small boys met during their first day at school.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My daddy is a lawyer.”
“Honest?” gasped Billy.
“No, just the normal kind,” replied Tommy.
A lumberjack went to the owner of a logging company and applied for a job, claiming to be one of the best loggers in the business.
The owner said, “Okay, show me what you can do. Chop down that redwood over there.”
The lumberjack got to work right away, and in less than five minutes he was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”
The lumberjack said, “I had a lot of practice in the Sahara.”
The owner remarked, “What are talking about? There aren’t even any trees in the Sahara!”
“Well no,” said the lumberjack. “Not anymore.”
John went to interview for a job with the county.
The interviewer asked, “Are you allergic to anything?”
“Yes,” John replied. “Caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“I see,” remarked the interviewer. “Well then, have you ever been in the military service before?”
“Yes,” John explained. “I was in Iraq for one tour.”
The interviewer noted, “That will give you 5 extra points towards employment. By the way, were you disabled in any way?”
John said, “Yes, a bomb exploded near me, and I lost both of my testicles.”
Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaced and said “I’m sorry to hear that, but the good news is that you have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm, but tell you what: You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and just plan on starting at 10 am every day.”
John was a bit dismayed by the unusual preferential treatment and remarked, “If the hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, then I want to do my part and come to work at the regular time.”
“I didn’t mean to offend you,” explained the interviewer. “You see, this is a government job. For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. I just didn’t see any point in you coming in for that.”
A little guy got on a plane and sat next to a window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, hulk of a guy plopped down next to him and immediately fell asleep.
After the plane took off, the little guy started to feel airsick, but didn’t want to wake the big guy to ask if he could let him out to go to the bathroom.
Suddenly, the plane hit an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passed through the little guy. He could not hold it any longer and hurled all over the big guy’s chest.
The big guy woke up and looked down to see the vomit all over him.
Without hesitation, the little guy asked, “Are you feeling any better now?”
