The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and hit his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable, and he shouted, “Jesus Christ!”
Joseph said, “Write that down, Mary! I like that name a lot better than Clyde!”
Tom was cleaning out the attic of the house he just moved into when he found a ticket from a local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was well over twenty years old.
Being curious, Tom took the ticket to the shoe repair shop. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to an older gentleman behind the counter.
The man behind the counter said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these,” as he disappeared into the back. A couple minutes later the man called out, “Here they are!”
Tom could hardly believe it!
The man came back to the counter, handed Tom the ticket, and said, “They’ll be ready next Thursday.”
After successfully swaying Congress to add certain line items to the budget, two lobbyists when out to lunch to celebrate.
One of them remarked, “It’s shame my great-grandchildren haven’t been born yet.”
“Why is that?” asked his colleague.
The lobbyist explained, “So they can see how the government is spending their money!”
It was the couple’s first child, and the mother had just given birth to a beautiful baby boy at the hospital.
As the new family headed out the hospital door, the father turned to asked the nurse, “What time should we wake the little guy in the morning?”
Moshe was a holocaust survivor who finally died of old age. When he got to heaven he was able to meet God, and the two of them had a nice long conversation.
At one point Moshe said, “Hey, I have a joke about the holocaust,” and then proceeded to tell it to God.
God listened to the joke and remarked, “You know, I don’t find that joke to be very funny.”
Moshe replied, “Well, I guess you had to be there.”
A 10-year-old girl was walking home from school one day, when a man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her. As he followed along beside the young child, he turned to her and asked, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” said the little girl as she kept on walking.
Not being dissuaded, the motorcyclist countered with, “I’ll give you a big bag of candy if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” the little girl shouted again, and then hurried down the street.
The motorcyclist pulled up beside the little girl again and said, “Listen, kid, I’ll give you 20 dollars and a big bag of candy! All you have to do is just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride with me!”
The little girl stopped, turned towards the motorcyclist, and yelled, ”Look Dad, You’re the one who bought a Honda instead of a Harley, SO YOU RIDE THE DAMN THING!”
A newlywed was talking to an associate at work about his recent marriage.
“Wait a second,” said the associate, “You’re telling me that you’re your wife’s third husband?”
“No,” said the newlywed, “I am her fourth husband.”
“Good grief!” cried the associate, “You’re not a husband, you’re a habit.”
Marty and Alex were sitting at the bar having a few beers, when Marty asked, “Hey, are you still seeing that girl with the lazy eye?”
Alex said, “No, I had to break up with her.”
“What happened?” asked Marty
Alex explained, “She kept seeing guys on the side.”
A grade school teacher posed the following problem to her arithmetic class:
“A wealthy man died and left behind ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?”
The class fell silent for a long moment.
Finally, one little boy raised his hand and answered, “A lawyer!”
Linda slapped her husband on the back of the head.
“What was that for?” cried her husband.
“I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said angrily. “You better have a good explanation!”
“Now, sweetheart, calm down,” said the husband. “I was at the track last week and that was the name of the horse I bet on.”
Later that same day, Linda walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead.
“What the heck was that for?” he demanded.
“Your ‘horse’ just called.”
