Category Archives: Jokes

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
“If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked.
“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
“Go and get help!” he cried.
“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”
“Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.”
Holding the shoe over her p☆bes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…he’s in too far.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

A man and his wife were having hard financial times, so they decided she could make money as a prostitute. Being new and not quite sure what to do, she asked her husband what to do.

He explained, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you’ve got any questions, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

Not five minutes go by when a John pulled up and asked, “How much?”

“A hundred dollars,” the woman announced.

“Damn! All I’ve got is thirty,” the man sighed.

“Hold on,” said the woman, and she ran back to her husband. “What can he get for thirty dollars?”

“You can use your hand to jerk him off,” he replied.

She ran back and told the guy that all he could have for $30 was a hand job. He agreed, so she got in the car and unzipped his pants.

Out popped an incredibly large cock. It was the biggest she had ever seen. She stared at it for a minute, and said, “I’ll be right back.”

She ran back around the corner to her husband and said, “I need you to loan this guy 70 bucks!”

It was the first day of school, and the new first grade teacher was taking down the children’s names.

One boy spoke up and said, “My name is Johnny Fuchauer.” (F*ck-hour)

Miffed by the obvious fake name, the teacher retorted, “There’ll be none of that nonsense this year, Johnny! Now tell me your REAL name!”

The kid said, “No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuchauer. You can go across the hall to second grade and ask my brother if you don’t believe me!”

So the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the second grade classroom door. The second grade teacher had stepped out for a moment, so the first grade teacher entered the room and asked the class, “Do you have a Fuchauer in here?”

A kid in the front row replied, A fuck hour? Heck, we don’t even get a cookie break!”

A very tall man walks into a bar…and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. “What’s that for?” the lady questions. “Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.” Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. ‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again. “Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.” Then the man drops his underwear and on his pe☆is he has a tattoo that says AIDS. The lady screams: “Don’t tell me you have AIDS!” The man replies: “No, no…!!! Calm down…!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

A blonde female bought herself a new Mercedes. She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn’t move at all. She tried driving the car at night for a week with no luck.
Furious, she called the dealership, told them the problem and they sent a
mechanic to the house. The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection
and could not find anything wrong.
Eventually, he asked the blonde, ” Are you sure you’re using the right gears?”
“Of course I am. I’m not stupid. I use “D” during the day and “N” at night!”🤣🤣🤣

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
“Oh look” says the first nun, “it’s a soap dispenser”.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells…
“Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!”

The pioneers had came to settle in Oklahoma back during the covered wagon days. The journey was filled with peril and frequently there were bloody misunderstandings with the local natives.

One day the leader of the convoy heard the sound of a drum off in the distance.

BRRUM bum bum bum BRRUM bum bum bum

They stopped to circle up the convoy and took a defensive position. They were unable to hear where the drum was coming from but it was definitely getting louder.

BRRUM bum bum bum BRRUM bum bum bum

The head of the convoy looked over at the guy who sat shotgun on the lead wagon with him and said, “I don’t like the sound of that drum.”

A voice called out from somewhere in the distance: “He’s not our usual drummer!”

An old Texas cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

“Howdy, stranger,” said the sheriff.

“Howdy, Sheriff,” said the cowboy. The cowboy moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail and placed a big kiss where the sun doesn’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swing doors of the saloon.

“Hold on there, mister,” said the sheriff. “Did I just see what I think I saw?”

“I reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.”

“And does that cure them?” the sheriff asked.

“Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em.”

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “sorry, we don’t serve jokes here.” They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.

A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, and says, “hey, sorry, we don’t serve jokes here. You’re going to have to find someplace else.” And the frog starts doing a little bit but the man stops him. “We’re gonna have to busk somewhere else Fred,” he says to the frog. And they leave.

Then a talking dog walks into the bar and says, “hey give me a drink pal. It’s been a rough day.” And the bartender gets mad because it’s like the third joke to walk into his bar so he says, “look bud, we don’t serve jokes here. Get walking before I call the cops.” And the dog starts barking but he eventually leaves.

So now the bartender is having a rough day himself, right? First the whole convent, the frog and the piano, then the talking dog? Couldn’t be worse right?

Then a chicken walks in. And the bartender sighs. And this chicken struts right up to the bar.

“Can I get a drink?”

And the bartender loses it. “Look asshole, I’ve told a thousand people today, we don’t serve jokes here.”

And the chicken says, “take it easy, man, take it easy. If I can’t get a drink here where can I get one?”

And the bartender says, “across the road.”

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’
The pharmacist fainted!