A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.

“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I helped farm for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean and safe. And now, I spend my days volunterring for charities and giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a fucking liar! He never did any of that shit!”

Marie was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out…. “Boudreaux, you need to go out and fix da outhouse!”
Boudreaux replies, “Dere ain’t nuthin wrong wid da outhouse.”
Marie yells back, “Yes dere is; now git out dere and fix it.”
So…….Boudreaux mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Marie dere ain’t nuthin wrong wid dis outhouse cher! ”
Marie replies, “Stick yur head in da hole!”
Boudreaux yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in dat hole!”
Marie says, “Ya have to stick yur head in da hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Boudreaux sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,”Marie – Dere ain’t nuthin wrong with dis outhouse!”
Marie hollers back, “Now take your head out of da hole!”
Boudreaux proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, “Marie – Help! My beard is stuck in da cracks in da toilet seat!”
To which Marie replies, “Hurts, don’t it?”

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. You’ll be at the back of St Peter’s Square and from that distance he’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the shitty haircut?”

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, “What are you doing?”

His father says, “We’re playing cards, and your mother is my wild card.”

A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, “What are you doing?”

His father says, “I’m playing cards.”

“Where’s your wild card?” Johnny asks.

His father replies, “Son, you don’t need one when you’ve got a good hand.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣😭👍

Paddy’s wife bought a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her and her hubby’s sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs untill her husband noticed.

Husband: “Are you wearing crotchless panties?”

Her: “Yes,” she answered seductively.

Husband: “Thank fuck for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Sold.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,”How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost.
I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”

A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husbands temper.

The doctor asks, ” What’s the problem? ” The woman says, doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, it scares me.

The doctor says, ” I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?

The doctor says, ” The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..”

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home…
As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn’t help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

“Tennis ball” the man said.

“Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!” 🤣🤣🤣👍

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard.” The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You God-damned bastard.” The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?” The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”