Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about “the good old days”.

Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?” Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, “Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?”

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?”

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, “Honey, where are you going?”

Grandpa replied, “To get my teeth!”

A Lively Lesbian Line-up

What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
…A licker cabinet.

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
…A Klondyke.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
…Militia Etheridge.

Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
…Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
…Fur Traders.

What is a lesbian dinosaur called ?
…A Lickalotapuss.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
…Well Hung.

Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
…She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
…Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.

What do you call lesbian twins?
…Lick-a-likes.

What’s the definition of confusion?
…Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
…One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says “You’re not from round here are ya?”

“No” replied the man, “I’m from Pensylvania.”

The bartender looks at him and says “Well what do you do in Pensylvania?”

“I’m a taxidermist.” said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked “What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?” The man looked at the bar tender and said “Well, I mount dead animals.”

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him “It’s okay, boys! He’s one of us!”

The Story of Elijah

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in  pieces, and laid it upon the altar And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

“Now, said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, “I know! I know!” She said, “To make the gravy!”

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin forgot your birthday.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replies, “a Divorce Attorney.”

A pastor was doing his children’s sermon bringing all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson.  He was discussing the story of Jonah.

He began by quoting the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2:

“And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.’ And the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land” (Jonah 117; 22, 10).

When the pastor finished the quotation, he began soliciting feedback from the youngsters to help him complete this sermon.

He asked, “What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?”

One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm, and loud enough for the entire congregation to hear, “It proves that even a fish can’t stomach a bad preacher!”