Yeah, so this actually happened a couple months back, but a guy I knew in the Army somehow managed to come up positive on his drug test. This by itself pretty much gets a lot of guys kicked out… But then come to find out he was spotted in a store hangin’ all over another guy…? I’m sure he’ll get an achievement award out of this.
A pastor was doing his children’s sermon bringing all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson. He was discussing the story of Jonah.
He began by quoting the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2:
“And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.’ And the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land” (Jonah 117; 22, 10).
When the pastor finished the quotation, he began soliciting feedback from the youngsters to help him complete this sermon.
He asked, “What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?”
One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm, and loud enough for the entire congregation to hear, “It proves that even a fish can’t stomach a bad preacher!”
I’m not implying that the rich never hire anyone… After all, they need nannies and pool boys just like the rest of us. But most people get their jobs through personnel departments ran by bean counters who’s private bank accounts probably couldn’t afford to hire their own secretaries. It’s something to think about…
Railroad tracks. A simple thing we take for granted. Wait till you see how one thing leads to another… The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and wonder “What horse’s ass came up with this?” you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses’ asses.)
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB’s would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB’s had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as
you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.
And I bet you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important!
I run into these people all the time. They freak out over the slightest inference of toilet humor. Oddly enough, if they hear it in a movie or on a TV show they picked to watch, then that’s perfectly OK. After all, very rich people put it out for our consumption.
I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word “service”.
Internal Revenue “Service”
U.S. Postal “Service”
Telephone “Service”
T.V. “Service”
Civil “Service”
City & County Public “Service”
Customer “Service”
and “Service” Stations
This is not what I thought “service” meant.
Today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to “service” a few cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those “service” agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are now as enlightened as I am!
More often than not, guys get excited when you mention the “L” word. They somehow think that every lesbian is going to be as smokin’ as Isabelli Fontana.
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
“Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”
“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”
I frequently solicit feedback from people around me about these “comics” I make. I don’t know which irks me more. When I can tell they are lying, or when the concept just completely sails right over their head.
A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!”
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”
The old guy replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my wife. She’s in here somewhere.”
The clerk is astonished. “Your wife’s name is Crisco?”
The old guy answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we’re out in public.”
“I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call her at home?”
“Lard ass.”
