The Politician’s New Suit

A young politician was getting his first tailor-made suit. A week after the tailor took the measurement, the young man went in for his first fitting.

The new suit looked amazing. He was convince that his sharp appearance would win him many votes.

As he admired himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets, but to his surprise, there were no pockets!

“Why doesn’t this suit have any pockets?” queried the candidate.

“You’re running for office.” the tailor stated flatly.

The young man retorted, “Of course, but what does that have to do with anything?”

The tailor remarked, “Well who ever heard of a politician putting his hands in his own pockets?”

The Politician’s New Suit
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Look at Me Like You Used to

“It’s kind of sad. While we still get along, my wife just doesn’t look at me the way she used to,” said Keith.

“You think that’s bad,” replied Terry. “These days, my wife looks at me exactly the same way as the day we first met!”

“What’s so bad about that?” asked Keith.

“She looks at me like I’m a complete stranger, and she thinks she could do way better.”

Look at Me Like You Used to
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Sunday, September 23, 2018

Friendship Disillusionment

I don’t know exactly when it happened. It just happened gradually over time. Some days it seemed like everything was normal, but then other days you passed by as if I weren’t even there. I called your name to say hello, and you kept walking. Perhaps you didn’t hear me. Perhaps you didn’t want to hear me.

We used to share so much together. We’d go out together and have fun. I know… We’re both getting older, and hanging out can be complicated, but things seem so different from the way it used to be. It’s as if every encounter has to avoided unless you know it will be carefully chaperoned. Remember when you used to call me in the middle of the night for no reason? Naturally you had been drinking, but I was there for you, and you were there for me too.

Of course you still come around from time to time… when you want something. And at least you still brag about me to your other friends when I come through for you. But then you quickly drift away again, all while pretending there’s nothing wrong.

It’s a one way relationship now. When I try to reach out to you, the gate is locked, the blinds pulled. You spare no expense to make approaching you seem like a bad time. I still can’t help but notice that you’re very careful not to burn the bridge lest you need something again in the future. Why won’t you tell me what went wrong?

When you see me walk into the room, you look startled and nervous. You carefully keep watch over your shoulder to see if I’m making my way towards you. If it seems I’m getting too close, you dart off to avoid even the remotest possibility that we could interact. Did I somehow hurt you?

But then there are those times when you occasionally walk up to me, as if everything were fine, and we were cool. You smile and seem genuine as we talk. It’s just so random and out of the blue. You didn’t even want anything. For a brief moment, you were the person I knew as a friend.

At least I thought we were friends. I thought we had that rare form of kinship that only seems to exist in legend. People envied what we had, and we took it for granted too, we revelled in it, and then… and then it was gone.

…and I don’t know why.

But that’s cool. I’ll give you plenty of space. If there’s one thing I’m really good at when it comes to dysfunctional relationships, it’s moving on as if the relationship never existed in the first place.

But still there are those unnerving glances you cast my way. It’s as if something was very wrong. It’s as if I were now a ghost, and you feel haunted.


Did you like what you read?

So fall is finally here, and it just so happens that it’s my favorite season. I love the autumn leaves and the chill in the air. Of all the seasons, the fall gets the award for being the eeriest and spookiest. This week’s rant was an exercise in creative writing. Thanks for reading it, and tell me what you think. If it seems like it’s going over well, I might do some more.

Once again, a big shout out to George and Glenn for the jokes. I really appreciate the help. If you would like to contribute a joke, please give our submission page a try, or just email me at flush2x@gmail.com.

Pax,

-f2x

Sunday, September 23, 2018
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Contagious

While instructing her class, the teacher informed her students that the word of the day is contagious.

She asked if anyone could use this word in a sentence. Several students raised their hands, and the teacher picked on Danny

Danny said, “My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, ’cause they’re contagious.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Then she picked Mary, who said, “The atmosphere was contagious.”

The teacher says, “Excellent, Mary!” Then she noticed that little Johnny had his hand up at the back of the class. “Yes, Johnny?” she said.

Johnny cleared his throat and said, “The other day, me and my dad’s a-sittin’ around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, ‘Jesus, it’s gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'”

Contagious
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