Monthly Archives: October 2018

A man always wanted to go skydiving and was finally able to gather the courage. He went to the airport and inquired about what is involved in the jump.

The manager explained the procedure to him: “We are expert chute packers and have never had a failure. We will take you up in the plane and tell you when to jump out. You’ll pull the main chute ripcord. It always works, but if it doesn’t, you’ll pull the auxiliary chute ripcord. You’ll float softly to the ground, and we will meet you in that truck over there.”

The man decided to go for it. The plane took off and circled the airfield.

He jumped out and the main chute failed. He pulled the second ripcord and that failed.

As the man looked down towards the fast approaching ground, he muttered, “I bet that damned truck isn’t there either.”

Once upon a time a guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws, tornadoes and droughts, not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellowspeak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn’t skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: “If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can.”

Fred was pretty perplexed at this and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they’d ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.

Until one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, “Martin’s coming! Head for the hills!” The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn’t believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn’t wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, “Wait here til I get back!” The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, “You pussycats stay here til I’m done!” The cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, “What the hell do you think you’re looking at?!”

Fred managed to say, “N-n-n-nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?”

To which the fellow replied, “Hell no! I don’t have time! I gotta get out of here. Mad Martin’s coming!”

A father and his eight year old son where walking down the aisle in a drug store when they happened to pass by the condoms.

The boy asked, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the father replied, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. He picked up a package of 3 and asked, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replied, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

The boy noticed a 6-pack and asked “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men”, the dad answered, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

Then who uses these?” he asked while picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for the married men, One for January, one for February, one for March…”

A frustrated father told his colleague, “When I was a youngster, I would be sent to my room whenever I misbehaved, but my son’s room has a color TV with a game console, a computer, not to mention his cell phone! It hardly serves as punishment.”

“Well the first thing I do with my kid, is take away his cell phone,” said the colleague.

“And then what do you do after that?” asked the frustrated father.

The colleague replied, “Then I send him to my room!”

A doctor at a teaching hospital was discussing an X-ray with his students.

“The patient had been walking with a pronounced limp for some time,” he said. “This X-ray shows us his fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

Pointing to a student, the doctor asked, “You! What would you do in this case?”

“Well, uh…” the student stammered. “I guess I’d be limping too.”

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the doctor was examining him, he asked, “So how did this happen?”

The hunter explained that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. When he squatted down, a bear trap hidden under leaves was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.

“Oh,” exclaimed the doctor, “The pain must have been excruciating!”

“It was,” said the hunter. “The second worst pain in my life.”

“Second worst?” said the doctor. “What could have been worse than that?”

“Coming to the end of the chain,” said the hunter.

A man was walking along a beach when he came across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picked up the lamp and gave it a rub.

Two blonde genies appeared, and they told him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy made his three wishes and the blonde genies disappeared.

In the very next moment, the guy found himself in a bedroom in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

He made love to all of them and began to explore the house. He felt something soft under his feet, looked down and saw the floor covered in $100 bills.

Just then there was a knock at the door. When he opened it, there were two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They dragged him outside to the nearest tree, threw a rope over a limb and hanged him by the neck until he was dead.

As the Klansmen walked away, they removed their hoods to reveal that they were the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie said to the other, “I can understand the first wish of having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to, I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but for the life of me I have no idea why he wanted to be hung like a black man.”

A blonde and a brunette were walking along the beach that had recently suffered an ecological disaster.

Looking around at the devastation, the Brunette said, “Gosh, look at all the dead seagulls!”

The blonde looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”