A blonde was driving along a lonely country road with fields on either side. As she looked out her side window, she saw another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.
She stopped the car, rolled down the window, and yelled, “You know it’s blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!”
“Oh yeah?” the other blonde yelled back. “So whaddya gonna do about it?”
Enraged by this impudence the first blonde screamed, “You’re lucky I can’t swim, or I’d come out there and punch your lights out!”
Boy, I hope your new year is starting off better than mine. I got the stomach flu, and let me tell you, I feel like crap! Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and head and body aches.
Tell ya what… rather than listen to me piss and moan, just check back in a week or so to see if I’m still alive.
Kudos and Promos
Again, the contributor of this week’s jokes is George, a man whom I’ve never met, and I probably never will, but thanks to the wonders of the internet, fate has brought us together. Thanks George. And if you would like to contribute, please visit our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.
Flush Twice T-Shirts are free! Be the first person to ever ask for one: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt!(Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)
The phone rang. Angie saw that it was her husband. Todd, and answered the call.
“Sweetheart, I had a really bad accident as I was leaving work,” explained Todd. “Sandra took me to the hospital. After the doctors examined my X-rays, they said it was much worse than they initially thought. I have a cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries, also, they will have to amputate my right leg.”
Angie took a couple deep breaths to compose herself before she could speak. “Todd,” she said in a concerned tone, “Who the hell is Sandra?”
Wendy got in line at her local supermarket. Her basket contained a mop, a broom, and several other cleaning supplies. It was obvious she was in a hurry, and it just so happened the line was moving rather slowly.
When the cashier called the manager over for assistance with a customer’s payment issue, Wendy remarked indignantly, “At this rate, I’ll be lucky to get home before dark!”
“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the man standing in line ahead of her. “With the wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom of yours, you should be home in no time.”
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
FEMALE ANSWER: The perfect woman. She’s the only one that really existed in the first place, because everyone knows there is no such thing as Santa Claus or the perfect man.
MALE ANSWER: So, if there is no perfect man or Santa, the perfect woman must have been driving, which explains why there was a car accident in the first place.
First, let’s get this annual issue out of the way. I say “Merry Christmas” because that’s what I’ve always said, and I’m old enough to have been saying it long before certain groups started imagining themselves to being persecuted for it. Whoever invented this notion that there is an armed conflict surrounding this specific holiday within the confines of western nations is a master at devilry.
I resent people who use the phrase as a divisive political tool in determining who is going on their naughty list. It’s not exactly a Christian thing to do. Being a Christian myself, I am offended by the use of my religious beliefs to forward your political agenda. You can bet your malevolent ass, I’ll be standing at that gate to testify that you are not a Christian if you do this. You are perverting the teachings of Christ, and you will answer for this on your judgement day.
As for the rest of you, I do wish you and yours a very merry Christmas. May your new year dreams come true.
New Header
I sprung it a little early this year, but the new header image for the website is in place. There has been a few subtle changes in the character designs over the past year, and I wanted to be sure the Header represented the look of the latest comics. I also decreased the height of the header from 200 to 150 pixels. I think it looks pretty good.
The logo text saw some changes as well. First, I updated my font, and I wanted to show it off in the logo. Next I mentioned the comic’s title since I differentiated it from the title of the site a while back. Finally, I specified which days had jokes. As usual, I kept the “Once for the bulk…” phrase, but this might be the last year I keep it.
I also changed the site’s tagline to just, “Jokes and Comics”.
Kudos and Promos
Thanks to George, who selflessly provides the jokes in his emails to me every week. But why should George do all the work? Submit jokes to Flush Twice! You can use our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.
It’s not too late to get your FREE Flush Twice T-Shirt. It’s a shirt! To get one, click on this link and follow the instructions: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt!(Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)
I suppose I should start by telling you how it happened. It was an otherwise nondescript day back in February. I went to get out of my rocker-recliner and when I scooched forward to get up, the front armrests bottomed out on the floor as they always do. Unbeknownst to me, Alex just happened to be laying down there that fateful day, and his left arm managed to get pinched.
Of course he yowled the loudest I'd ever heard him yell in his entire life and shot off into the basement. I felt terrible about it, but then I had no way of knowing he was down there when I went to get up. After a short while, Alex came back upstairs, and I was able to check for injury.
Shockingly, there were no broken bones, no blood, and Alex was able to walk just fine. It almost seemed cartoonish at the time, but down the left side of his left arm was a ribbon of flattened fur. He seemed somewhat indifferent to this, and acted like he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Seeing as Alex didn't appear to be in immediate danger, I took a "wait and see" position.
Over the next month, the "ribbon" began to shrink inward towards his elbow. I took this as a good sign that his injury was healing naturally and everything would be fine... But things were not fine. After a month and a half, his elbow began to swell. By mid-April I had to take him in to the vet for an exam.
The vet did a fair bit of Hmmm'ing and scrunched her face a lot. She didn't want to poke it with anything for fear it might introduce something. She took some measurements and expressed a "wait and see" attitude. I then scheduled a follow up appointment two months out.
Only a month later in mid-May, the swelling on his elbow had increased to the point that it started to ulcer. I called the vet and got him in immediately. This time they tried to drain it, but it went horribly. After the first stick, Alex started squirting blood all over the place, and the vet and technician freaked out and were running around looking for towels while I had to hold my cat down in a growing pool of his own blood.
After they got things back under control, she tried again with a larger needle, and went in from a different direction. After plunging to the center of the mass, she remarked that it was solid and that the fluid had probably dispersed into the surrounding tissue. She then went on to suggest that it might even be "malignant" and recommended a biopsy. They gave me an estimate for the procedure that ran from $500 to $800. I immediately left and made an appointment with another vet that I had gone to in the past.
The next day, my alternate vet didn't have any good news. By now, Alex's arm was very infected. At first he suggested that the arm would have to come off, but after noting Alex's age, he pulled back and recommended palliative care. I pushed for a quote on the cost of an amputation, and he informed me it would be around $3500 at the lowest, and that at his age, Alex would only live another 6 months after the surgery, and to just stick with palliative care.
They gave Alex a shot of antibiotics, a shot for long term pain management, prednisolone tablets and a liquid antibiotic, along with an appointment to come back about a month later.
Over the memorial day weekend, I cleaned Alex's wound and administered his meds. Alex was still Alex though. He obviously wanted to live, so I began making phone calls. Eventually I got in touch with the Humane Society. It took week and a half to finally get in, but after looking at Alex's arm, their surgeon said that the arm was "not compatible with long term survival" and agreed to amputate it... in two weeks.
That was the longest two weeks of my life.
Every day that thing on his elbow grew bigger and bigger. In the final week, it started to split open. It looked like something out of a horror movie. The outer layer of skin died off and eventually I had to cut the hard chunk of dried flesh off with scissors. Fortunately the antibiotics prescribed by the second vet kept the wound site free from infection.
And through all of this, Alex was still Alex. He just kept on living his life like nothing was wrong. Even with that thing on his arm, he still walked normal, climbed up and down the stairs, jumped on the bed, table, dresser, et cetera. Part of me knew this cat was gonna make it, but part of me was scared that his arm was going to go septic and Alex would die.
I felt relieved on the day of the surgery. We made it through to this day! Alex would be a tripod, but he was going to live! I dropped Alex off at the Human Society and went to work expecting to pick him up between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm.
My phone rang a little before noon. The voice on the other end informed me that the surgery had gone fine, and they didn't notice anything wrong during the procedure, but in the recovery room, Alex's heart rate began to drop, he went non-responsive, and his pupils dilated. The surgeon explained that sometimes a blood clot will break free during the surgery and make its way into the brain. Alex had had a stroke. There was nothing more they could do.
Moments later, Alex died.
Usually I show off pictures of Gail here, (she's doing find by the way). Gail is a fun dog who loves to constantly run and play, but Alex was the one that I could really count on for affection. He would hop up on my chest when I was resting in my recliner and purr. He would be there at the door to greet me when I came home. He would keep me company when I pooped. He would wake me in the morning, and insist I gave him a thorough petting before I went to sleep at night. He talked to me with his incessant meows, and made sure I never left the house without filling the food and water bowls. Alex loved to get his "full kitty massage" complete with belly rubs, and he was the kind of cat that would walk up and headbutt me to let me know I was his as much as he was mine.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
