Anne was telling Nicole about the new “mirror diet” she was on. “You can eat as much of whatever you want, but you have to do it while standing naked in front of a full length mirror,” she explained.
“Oh, I tried that one,” said Nicole, “but I just couldn’t stand it after the first week!”
“Well, it can be difficult confronting your self image,” remarked Anne.
“No, it wasn’t that,” explained Nicole. “Before I could take a single bite, the restaurant would kick me out!”
While walking through the mall, Tom was stopped by a man with a clipboard.
“I’m taking a survey,” said the man. “Do you think there is too much sex in movies?”
“I’m not sure,” replied Tom. “I get too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing.”
Sore Throat Threat
Yesterday’s comic was inspired by the fact that I woke up with a mildly sore throat on Friday. Now to be honest, I’m a big baby when it comes to getting sick. You can forget about me even coming into work for a day or so; at least until I can get my shit together.
Fortunately it’s the weekend, and I was able to get it soothed. I made some homemade chicken noodle soup, and that pretty much helped knock the sick right out of me.
Of course if I hadn’t been able to take care of it right away, and I had pushed myself to work or what have you, I would currently be a flaming bag of snot and pain. I really don’t need that right now.
Kudos and Promos
Guess who sent in the jokes for this week! Go on! Guess! It was George! Surprised? Yeah, I wasn’t that surprised either, but I am grateful. If you would like to Submit jokes to Flush Twice, please try our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.
Get a FREE Flush Twice T-Shirt. The instructions are in the e-mail link: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt! (Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)
Pax,
-f2x
A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
The surgeon began, “Eve was made from Adam’s rib, and that surely was a surgical procedure.”
“Maybe,” said the architect, “but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job!”
The politician interrupted, “Well who do you think created the chaos in the first place?”
A blonde walked into a lumber yard and and told the clerk she needed some two by fours.
With a nod, the clerk asked, “How long?”
The blonde’s brow furrowed with a worried look of confusion. After thinking about it for a moment, the blonde replied, “A really long time; I’m building a shed.”
A couple of preachers stood along a rural road with a large sign that read, “The end is near! Turn yourself around before it’s too late!”
As a car drove by, they frantically waived their arms, yelled at the motorist, and pointed to the sign.
Unphased, the driver yelled out his window, “Get out of the road you religious zealots!” He proceeded to drive around the bend, and a moment later there was the sound of a large splash.
One of the preachers looked to the other and said, “I told you we should put up a sign that reads ‘Bridge Out’ instead.”
A politician was driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, he crashed into a tree along an old farmer’s field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politician.
After the farmer tossed the body into the hole, the politician came to and pleaded for someone to help as the dirt rained down on him from above.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed vehicle, and asked the old farmer, “Was he dead?”
“Well,” The old farmer replied with a thoughtful expression, “He said he wasn’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
A father heard sobbing coming from his three year old son’s room. Rushing in, he found the boy crying hysterically.
The boy told his dad that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
In an attempt to calm him down, the father palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from his ear. the little boy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”
Somebody Stop Me!
It always happens this time of year. I become a compulsive eater. Even when I’m physically full I’m looking for something else to eat.
It usually passes after the new year, but it’s not uncommon for me to gain an extra 10 to 15 pounds from all the food I keep putting in my mouth.
I mean, why, WHY did they have to completely fuck over people with minor will power issues when they essentially banned phenylpropanolamine? So what if 200 to 500 strokes per year were attributed to it? Do you know how many people are dying of heart disease and other diabesity related conditions every year? It’s a hell of a lot more than 500!
Thought for the week:
It seems like whenever anyone rises to a position of power, they always put on a magnetic vest to ensure that their moral compass knows which way to point.
Kudos and Promos
George wins the prize for the most jokes contributed for the week. The runners up are George and George. Nice work, George. Do you want to be like George? Submit jokes to our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.
Flush Twice T-Shirts are still FREE. Please use this handy e-mail link: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt! (Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)
Pax,
-f2x
