“I’m finished with Denise!” Tom announced to his friend.
“You’re breaking off the engagement?” his buddy asked in shock. “What happened? What did she do?”
“She broke down and told me she was bisexual,” explained Tom.
“That’s all? It really bothers you that much?” the friend asked.
“Yeah!” shouted Tom in disgust. “Who in their right mind would marry a woman who only had sex twice a year?”
Although they had been in remarkably good health, an 85 year old couple died in a car crash.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion complete with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “You’re in Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the golf course behind the home. They could go golfing everyday and every week the course would magically change to a new one so they’d never get bored.
The old man asked, “How much is the greens fee?”
Peter replied, “This is heaven. You play for free.”
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet?” Peter replied with some exasperation. “This is heaven. It is free!”
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol dishes?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That’s the best part! You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. It’s OK. This is Heaven.”
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, threw down his hat and stomped on it while shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, and asked him what was wrong.
The old man glared at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!”
The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having premarital sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon for some minutes.
The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”
“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!”
The nurse entered a patient’s room with a wheel chair. An elderly gentleman already dressed, was sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. When the nurse asked the man to take a seat in the wheel chair, the old man insisted he didn’t need any help to leave the hospital.
The nurse explained to the man that rules are rules, and that she was required to wheel him out. He reluctantly sat in the chair, and the nurse wheeled him down the hall into the elevator.
On the way down the nurse asked if his wife or other family member was waiting downstairs to meet him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “My wife is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
Filler Rant
So instead of doing a filler comic (a low effort comic tossed out there to avoid looking like you abandoned your work) I thought it would be a helpful idea to create a “filler rant” for this week.
Due to the holiday, I decided to take a couple extra vacation days off work. As a result I’ve been off for much of the week and have had little to rant about.
Oh I suppose I could rant about the appallingly wonderful fireworks show I went to, or the horrendously delightful cookout I attended, nevermind the nauseatingly incredible bounty of gorgeous banana peppers I’ve been picking and pickling. No, I really don’t want to take the effort to turn the happier moments of my life into fodder for my journal of misery.
To be honest, I don’t even want to rant about nothing to rant about. I’m actually rather pleased that for one brief shining moment in time, I don’t have anything I wish to bitch about. Instead, let’s just smile and have a lovely day.
Kudos
Once again we give thanks to George for providing a few of the jokes used in this week’s lineup. I also used a couple of Glenn’s jokes, so thank you, Glenn. We still have our submission page at your disposal, and my e-mail, as always, is flush2x@gmail.com.
Don’t forget: Just for stopping by, you get extra credits towards the afterlife. Thank you ever so much, and have a wonderful week.
Pax,
-f2x
At best, it had been awkward evening. After walking Alice to the door, Joe decided to there wasn’t much to lose, so he gave her a smouldering grin and asked, “How about a goodnight kiss?”
Incensed by his forwardness, Alice haughtily rebuffed him by saying, “I don’t do that sort of thing on a first date!”
His grin gave way to a smirk as he remarked, “Well then, what about on a last date?”
A preacher had been notorious for his lengthy sermons. One Sunday he noticed a parishioner leaving halfway through the service. Just before the finish, the parishioner came back and returned to his seat.
Afterwards the preacher asked him where he had gone.
“I went to get a haircut,” said the man.
“Why didn’t you go before the service?” asked the preacher.
“I didn’t need one then!”
Little Billy was making faces at his classmates. The teacher became irritated and told Billy to stop.
“Why should I?” asked the defiant child.
“Because if you don’t,” explained the teacher, “Your face will eventually stick and it will stay like that forever!”
Billy rolled his eyes and said, “Can I assume you’re speaking from personal experience?”
There was a knock at the door. When Mary answered it, she found a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
”Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
Quick as a flash, the young man pushed open the door and barged into the living room.
“Now I know you’re sceptical,” said the salesman, “but just wait till you see what this baby can do!”
With that, he emptied a bucket of dirt, rotten eggs, mushy tomatoes and other trash onto her carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this garbage from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat every last bit of it right off your floor.”
“I’ll fetch you a fork,” Mary replied. “I couldn’t afford the bill, so they shut off my electricity.”
