Comics
Gail’s Sunday Pic
Sunday, January 7, 2024
It's just so surreal...
Yesterday marked 10 years to the day of my mother's passing. Dad and I went out to dinner to pay homage in her memory. Like the decade before, I never would have dreamed we'd end up where we did.
I still maintain that somewhere along the way, I ended up in the "bad timeline". I'm not saying that things are all that bad, or that I regret my decisions. On the contrary, I'm where I am today in spite of my decisions. No matter what choices I could have made, this is where I was fated to be... and it's so unsatisfying.
On a lighter note
My comic is 20 years old this month! Think about it... 20 years ago I started putting pictures of stick figures up here in an attempt to dress up a rather boring hand coded html page. Seeing how it started and how it turned out is kind of neat. It has certainly gone through some dramatic changes from those original daily panels to my current sporadic offerings. I wish I could have combined the naive wit of my youth with my current "drawing" abilities. I've become far too jaded in my old age and it puts a damper on my creativity.
Of course looking back at some of my early work, I'm not so sure my "wit" was all that great either. The "art" was definitely bad... And now that I'm looking at it, the gags weren't really all that great either, but I was putting out a daily panel rather consistently for a while there.
Yeah, now that I think about it... those old comics sucked. As I'm glancing through them I feel myself cringing in disgust... Wow... Maybe I do have some regrets after all! Oh those wasted hours I spent navel gazing to come up with crap that makes Chis Chan look inspired! Thank god no one is actually reading this shit!
So to wrap it up...
Happy New Year, everybody! I'm really not sure how much stuff I'll add to Flush Twice in '24, but I'll get to it whenever I get the chance. Be sure to like and subscribe, and leave a comment down below if there's anything you'd like to see happen over the next 12 months.
Pax,
-f2xGET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
(Just thought you might like to know.)
Yes, it’s a usable search function! Try it!
Monthly Archives: November 2019
The Donation
After answering the phone, Father Murphy was surprised to learn he was speaking with an IRS tax auditor.
“This is a church, and we are exempt from paying taxes,” the priest remarked.
“We are not interested your church,” explained the auditor. “One of your parishioners, Harold Bixby, indicated that he gave a $15,000 donation to the church last year. Can you verify if this is the truth?”
The priest smiled and said, “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Harold.”
The Old Truck Driver
An old truck driver was eating at a truck stop when three large bikers walked in.
The first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second spit in the old man’s coffee and took a seat at the counter.
The third turned over the old man’s plate and took a seat at the counter.
Without a muttering word, the old man got up from his seat and quietly left the diner.
One of the bikers remarked to the waitress, “Not much of a man, was he!”
The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just drove his semi over your motorcycles!”
Got Fired
Fred noticed his neighbor, Justin, had not been going in to work and decided to mention it to him.
“I got fired,” Justin stated matter-of-factly.
“Fired?” remarked Fred, “Why did they fire you?”
Justin explained, “You know how the boss always stands around watching people but never doing anything?”
Fred chuckled, “Yeah, I know. Did you say something about it, and it pissed him off?”
“Well no,” sighed Justin. “People around the shop started thinking I was the boss.”
Classmates
While waiting in the reception area of her new dentist, Mary noticed the doctor’s full name. She suddenly realized it was the same name as a boy she went to high school with over 20 years ago.
Of course all those years had taken their toll, because the young boy was now a middle aged man who no longer resembled his younger self.
After the exam, Mary asked him which high school he attended and the year he graduated. He told her and she exclaimed, “I knew it! You were in my class!”
He looked closely at Mary before asking, “What did you teach?”
Get Me a Beer Before It Starts
A man came home from an exhausting day of work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said, “Can you get me another beer before it starts?”
She started getting cross, fetched another beer, and slammed it down next to him.
After another 10 minutes, he finished his beer and said, “Quick, get me another beer; it’s going to start any minute now.”
The wife was furious. She yelled at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”
The man sighed, “And so it starts.”
Sunday, November 24, 2019
My First Turkey!
Though I have never made out a bucket list, there are a few simple things I would like to have done before I leave this earth… And preferably looong before I kick the bucket. This week I finally did something that most people would find to be rather ho-hum.
Meijer had whole turkeys on sale for 33¢/pound, and I was able to pick up a 21 pound bird for $7! Since the generation over me still holds an iron grip on the Thanksgiving gatherings, I’ve never actually had any first hand experience with roasting a turkey.
It may seem odd to you, but roasting a whole turkey has a kind of sacred place among my kinfolk. Surreptitiously preparing your own fowl could merit dirty looks and scorn during family events. In their eyes, turkey should only be prepared by the anointed elders, so this was a rather bold move on my part.
Not really. I’ve been living on my own for my entire adult life, and I’m about a half a century old. I couldn’t give two shits what the family fossils think anymore. But there was still a twinge of angst when I made the decision to prepare my personal poultry.
I loosely followed the instructions given by Chef John from Food Wishes, and wouldn’t you know it: The results looked beautiful! Of course it tasted like turkey, which is nothing to write home about, but “tastes like turkey” is a good indication that my effort was a stunning success.
After letting it rest, I stripped the carcass of all its meat and packed it all in Chinese takeout containers. I then stacked the containers in the fridge. It was a lot of work, but I actually did a pretty good job of carving my first bird too. I even took some to my dad, but the rest will be used for many lunches and dinners as well as occasional dog treats for this week.
Oh, and yeah… I still have to go to the family Thanksgiving for the “official” turkey dinner on Thursday as well. I think I can pull off a look of excitement when the dinner is served so no one will suspect my brazen disregard for family tradition.
Kudos
So here we go again. We’ve got more jokes this week… Some from George, maybe a joke or two from Glenn, and maybe something I saw on another website. Of couse you could slip in a joke or two by using our submission page or sending them to flush2x@gmail.com.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham Lincoln
Pax,
-f2x
Premature Congratulation
Grocery Shopping with the Baby
A young man was pushing a screaming, bellowing baby in the cart at the supermarket.
The man kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert. Albert, don’t scream. It’s no good yelling, Albert. We’ll be home soon, Albert. Albert, keep calm.”
An observant woman approached the young man and said, “You certainly are to be commended for showing such patience with little Albert.”
The man rolled his eyes at the woman and said, “Lady, the kid’s name is Charlie. I’m Albert.”
Two Plus Two, Point of View
A mathematician, an accountant, and an economist were all vying for the same job.
The interviewer called in the mathematician and asked “What does two plus two equal?”
The mathematician replied “That’s easy. Two plus two equals exactly four.”
Next the interviewer called in the accountant and asked the same question.
The accountant explained “Typically four, give or take ten percent, but on average, two plus two is about four.”
Finally the interviewer called in the economist and posed the same question, “What does two plus two equal?”
The economist got up, locked the door, closed the shades, and sat down next to the interviewer before asking, “What do you want it to equal?”