A young secretary had just returned from her vacation and was telling her boss about the fun time she had. She then asked him for two weeks leave so that she could get married.
“But you just had two weeks off,” her boss protested. “Why didn’t you get married then?”
The rating plugins all tend to suck. I can’t seem to find one that I like, and this one is quickly getting on my nerves as well. Some are subscription based (read: “pay to use”), some are remote hosted, (read: “3rd party tracks my visitors”), some require short codes (read: “It’s gotta be in every %^&*ing post!”, some won’t show up on the front page (read: “Nobody knows it’s even there”), some use voodoo black magic to store the rating data (read: “I can’t trust it.”), some have lame formatting (read: “No customization), and all of them suffer from one or more of these issues (read: “FUCK!”)
The one that I’m currently using requires a short code at the end of the post. I’m not going through the hassle of putting that at the end of each joke. What happens if (when) I want to discontinue it? I would have to go through and delete every short code.
What I would like is a rating plugin that lets me use my own graphics, stores the ratings in its own separate database record, is free (or a one time purchase), tells me the time and IP address of each rating, allows me to delete individual ratings (or reset all if I so chose), shows up on all posts automatically, shows up on the main front page posts, provide a checkbox when editing a post to opt out of ratings (“Sunday’s Rant” should not be included in ratings), does not “phone home”, doesn’t slow things down, and doesn’t have a back door for the Russian hackers to fuck my shit up.
You know I almost forgot it, and just by chance I remembered. Today is Gail's 5th birthday! That's right! That little puppy I started posting pictures of back in 2019 is a full 5 years old today.
You might have noticed I stopped posting weekly pictures of her a while ago. For the most part, she had stopped growing, so there really wasn't that much of a change from week to week. Also, I was having trouble finding the time to make the effort.
Rest assured, Gail keeps on being an indomitable force in my life. Never does a day go by that I'm not forced to wait on hand and foot to this ornery critter. Other than when I'm at work, Gail is almost always with me. You'd think she'd be better behaved by now, but this dog loses her shit every time she sees a ball... or another dog... or food... or just realizes when we've turned down any of the roads on the way to one of her many favorite places.
To say this dog is spoiled would be an understatement. To me, spoiling means you treat them better than they deserve. With my previous dog, Grace, she was so good, spoiling was effectively impossible, but with Gail, spoiling is simply unavoidable. She lacks any sort of self-control or discipline, and she isn't shy about letting you know how she feels in any given situation. If you have her on a leash, you better be careful because she can easily dislocate your shoulder.
But Gail is also easy to love. It's amazing how she is such a people magnet. Gail has her own fan club, and people take walks by my yard just to come up to the fence to say hi to Gail and pet her. She's very friendly and wants nothing more than to eat, play, and be loved.
Oh, and to poop... Soooo much poop!
So happy birthday Baby Gail!
-f2x
January 2025
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GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
Just noticed that the ratings plugin is ONLY active on the weekly cartoon page, not any others.
You are correct, sir!
The rating plugins all tend to suck. I can’t seem to find one that I like, and this one is quickly getting on my nerves as well. Some are subscription based (read: “pay to use”), some are remote hosted, (read: “3rd party tracks my visitors”), some require short codes (read: “It’s gotta be in every %^&*ing post!”, some won’t show up on the front page (read: “Nobody knows it’s even there”), some use voodoo black magic to store the rating data (read: “I can’t trust it.”), some have lame formatting (read: “No customization), and all of them suffer from one or more of these issues (read: “FUCK!”)
The one that I’m currently using requires a short code at the end of the post. I’m not going through the hassle of putting that at the end of each joke. What happens if (when) I want to discontinue it? I would have to go through and delete every short code.
What I would like is a rating plugin that lets me use my own graphics, stores the ratings in its own separate database record, is free (or a one time purchase), tells me the time and IP address of each rating, allows me to delete individual ratings (or reset all if I so chose), shows up on all posts automatically, shows up on the main front page posts, provide a checkbox when editing a post to opt out of ratings (“Sunday’s Rant” should not be included in ratings), does not “phone home”, doesn’t slow things down, and doesn’t have a back door for the Russian hackers to fuck my shit up.
But that’s too much to ask.