Tim had just been pulled over by a local deputy, “Sir, were you aware that you were going 50 in a 35?”
Looking the deputy square in the eye, Tim said, “Well, I probably got a little carried away drag racing that other car.”
The deputy looked around, but there were no other cars. “Have you been drinking today, Sir?” he asked.
“Well, I’ve probably had about three or four shots a whisky. It takes the edge off the cocaine,” said Tim in a very calm matter of fact manner.
“I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle, Sir,” said the deputy. “Are there any weapons or drugs in the vehicle that I should be aware of?”
“Well, there’s about 5 kilos of heroine in the glove box, and a sawed off AR-15 under my seat,” Tim politely informed the officer, “But please don’t open the trunk or the man I just kidnapped might escape.”
With that, the deputy pulled his service weapon and aimed it at Tim, “Sir, keep your hands where I can see them, get out of the vehicle and lay down on the ground!” Then he grabbed his radio handset and called for immediate backup.
It wasn’t even two minutes, and the sheriff was pulling up to the scene with lights and sirens. The deputy explained that there was a man in the trunk but when they opened it, the trunk was completely empty. Then the deputy explained that there were drugs in the glove box and a weapon under the driver’s seat, but a complete search of the car turned up nothing. They even gave Tim a roadside breathalyser that returned a solid zero point zero.
The deputy was a little bewildered when Tim took the sheriff off to the side and said, “That cop over there must be losing it! So far he’s tried to convince you I was drunk, armed, trafficking drugs, and was kidnapping people! What else is he gonna come up with? That I was speeding too?”
I took a manufacturing job back in August with a new company. Suffice to say I'd rather not say, but if I did happen to say, you'd recognize the name immediately. It's a Fortune 500, but not the Walmart, Amazon, McDonald's kind, so yeah, we're playing in the majors.
My career trajectory has had a few interesting turns. Previous to '95 I was a job butterfly. I flitted around from job to job, some good, some bad, but never stayed anywhere for any significant amount of time. One year I went through 10 different employers, and never once during those days did I ever go on unemployment or welfare. Jobs came easy for me, and I always paid my way.
Back in '95 I landed a position as a Robotics Technician for a company controlled by General Motors... But I didn't actually work for GM. I absolutely love robots. I had that job for about two years, but things started getting rather dicey around there, so I got out. Good thing too, because they went out of business less than 6 months later.
So in '97 I took a job at a plastics company. At first I couldn't believe I had found such an amazing place. The pay was nothing to write home about, but the work was easy, the environment was laid back, the coworkers were great, the benefits were decent, and the 3rd shift hours worked well for me. After a few years I was even able to buy a house, but 9-11 happened less than a month later and everything was different.
The aftermath left me feeling a bit gutted, and I wanted to do something. While still working at the plastics company I joined the Army Reserves back in the fall of 2005. It's something I look back on fondly, but I really think it was a major mistake on my part both financially and physically. Other than being able to say I was there, I gained no benefit from that experience. After 6 years I got out. Two years later my honorable discharge arrived in the mail. That's all I have to say about that.
Back to the plastics company where I was still employed: Over the years things changed. The benefits dwindled, the hours grew longer, the pace grew more frantic, a lot of coworkers retired and/or died, and while I eventually ended up in a leadership role, I felt something was very wrong. So I got a job working for Amazon delivery.
Yeah, but I never actually made it to Amazon. A head hunter caught my resume and saw robotics and plastics. I was a perfect fit for this tier 1 auto supplier, and the money was actually really good. I was on track to pay off all my old debts in under two years but 10 months later I bought a new car, and a few months after that things started going off the rails. They fired a bunch of people that shouldn't have been fired and it started a chain reaction. People were already overworked, so the resignations started piling in. On top of that, they were increasing monthly insurance premiums by $250! Suddenly this wasn't looking like a place I wanted to be anymore, so my resignation was about to be added to that pile.
But before I left, I started putting out job applications on Indeed, and wouldn't you know it, I got a lot of responses. Some good, some bad, but then there was this one response from a long shot. I honestly didn't believe it at first. They reached out again, but I thought it was just some automated form they send to everyone who clicked. After the 3rd Letter I called them. Like a dork, I naively asked if they were serious about wanting to hire me, and the person said, "Yes! We've tried to contact you three times already!"
Sometimes I can be such a dense headed putz! Fortunately for me, their impression was more professional, and the interview went great! I got the job, and kissed my robots goodbye for a second time. I really miss those guys.
So in a way it's like when I started working at the plastics factory. I'm on the night shift, which is what I prefer, the work is easy, the environment is laid back, the coworkers are great, they benefits are nice, and frankly the pay ain't too shabby. Like most companies, they have their strengths and weaknesses, but over all, I feel like this is a place I can hang around till I retire.
So that's that. I'm still alive and kickin'. The house is a mess, but I'm grateful to have a home. I still owe an obscene amount of money to my creditors, but my bills are paid. I've even been dating someone who I have almost nothing in common with, but we like each other's company, and she doesn't seem to mind my warped sense of humor. She's also trying to get me to lose weight and make better food choices. (Yes, I am way too fat again. Go figure.)
So a special thanks to everyone who's contributed to the content of this site over the years. I'm sorry I haven't been maintaining it of late, and even sorrier still that I have decided to retire the submission page. It isn't here now. The submission page went away. The submission page is gone.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this site just yet, but if you have any suggestions, you can leave me a comment here or contact me through email. My username is flush2x on gmail, and from there I'll let you figure it out.
GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.