I’m Old…

Happy New Year.

As another year passes by, I realize just how old I’ve started to get.

I’m so old:
… I remember what it was like before the good old days.
… I knew the First of the Mohicans.
… my first beer was a New Milwaukee.
… when I was a boy Mad Magazine was only slightly peeved.
… undertakers think I’m an escapee.
… Abraham Lincoln’s school was named after me.
… AARP stopped sending me renewal notices.
… I broke the fountain of youth when I stuck my toe in it.
… I spent my college spring breaks partying in Sodom with Gomorrah.
… everything I buy has a lifetime guarantee.
… that’s not hair on my head, it’s mold.
… I remember when the Garden of Eden was just a vacant lot.
… my dreams are sepia toned.
… monkeys evolved from me.
… I creak when I blink.
… my library card says “Alexandria.”
… when I order a 3 minute egg they ask for the money up front.”

I’m Old…
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