A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any toilet paper. He calls over to
the man in the next stall, “Hey, you got any extra toilet paper in there?”
“No,” replies the man.
“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded man asks.
“Nope,” the second man replies.
After a moment of silence, the first man asks the second, “You got two fives for
a ten?

A scoutmaster is out driving a country road near dusk, with his wife in the passenger seat. Suddenly a deer leaps out from the roadside and stands stock-still, frozen in the headlights. The scoutmaster hits the horn, but there’s no noise but the screeching of the car’s tires as it skids to a halt just short of the deer. The deer, finally recovering its wits, bounds away.

The scoutmaster puts the car in park, takes off his seatbelt, pops the hood and roots around in the engine compartment for a minute. He then returns to the driver’s seat, dusting off his hands in satisfaction.

“Did you fix the horn, honey?” his wife inquires.

He nods. “Beep repaired.”

— The Oldest Rater

A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the town that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers; they all tried and
lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said
“I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay”; grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the Crowd’s laughter turned to total silence….as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon….
six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the $1000 bet, he asked “What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied:
“I work for the IRS .”

A man was in a long line at his local supermarket.
As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, “What size condoms?”
The customer replied that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom: “One box of large condoms, Register 5″.
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said: “One box of medium sized condoms, Register 5″.
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…
“Mop and bucket, Register 5″

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of discomfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, “So, how’s it going down there?”
Satan says, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next.”

God is horrified. “What? You’ve got an Engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! ”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff.
I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him up here or I’ll sue.”

“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs,
“And where are you going to get a lawyer?”

So, me and my girls went to an All Male strip club last night.
A stripper came over and flexed his buttcheeks for us. One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill, licked it and put it on his butt cheek. Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill, licked it as well and put it on his other butt check. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill, also licks it and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute… and then got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home! 😎

A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel the wedding, it’d be fine by him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they’d been honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy’s naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.
After she came to, the guy asked, ‘I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?’
The girl said, ‘You told me it was just like a baby.’
The guy replied, ‘Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.

A young ventriloquist was touring and one night was doing a show in a small Newfoundland town.
With the dummy on his knee, he went thru his usual dumb blonde joke when a blonde woman in the 4th row stood up on her chair and started shouting:
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and the community, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, but the blonde continued, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little bas**d on your knee.”

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for “Up North Bear Removers.” He called the number listed and the bear remover said he’d be over within an hour.
The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.
“What are you going to do.?” the homeowner asked.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.
He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. “What’s the shotgun for?” the homeowner asked.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog.”