A laff a day keeps worries at bay:

A lawyer went out bear hunting and spotted one in the bushes and blasted away. The lawyer investigated but couldn’t find the bear. As he was about to give up, he felt tap tap on his shoulder and when he turned around saw the bear.
The bear said: “You know, it’s not bear hunting season?”
The Lawyer answered: “Yes, I know.” The bear took the rifle and smashed it on a rock, threw the hunter across a tree trunk, pulls his pants down and sodomised him. He then told the Lawyer: “Get out of here. I don’t want to see you again.”
The Lawyer was incensed, so he raced back to town and bought the biggest bear rifle he could find, and returned to the forest.
A few minutes later, he spotted the bear and emptied his rifle. He then searched for the body, but couldn’t find it. He then felt a tap on his shoulder, and surprise, surprise, it was the bear again.
“I thought I told you not to come back,” said the bear. The bear then proceeded to smash the new rifle, and again threw the Lawyer to the ground and sodomised him again. “This is the last time I’m warning you. Don’t come back.”
The Lawyer went berserk. When he got back to town, he bought a M16 and went straight back to the forest. Thinking he saw the bear in a bush, he took aim and emptied the entire M16.
Still no body, until, a familiar tap on the shoulder.
“You’re not in this for the hunting, are you?,” asks the bear.


A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid replies, “Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha.”
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You can start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid responds, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
“$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?”
“First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn’t think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4×4 truck with all the bells and whistles.”
“A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!”
“No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot. You should go fishing.'”


A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,
– “This is a tree.”
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
– “Tree.”
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
– “This is a rock.”
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,
– “Rock.”
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexu@l activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
– “Man riding a bike.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
– “My bike.”

Human Chimp Breeding For Science!

Scientists wanted to do an experiment to breed humans with chimpanzees, but they couldn’t find anyone willing to mate with a chimpanzee.

Desperate they went to the lab janitor and asked, “For $1000, would you have sex with one of our chimps?”

The Janitor thought it over and agreed, but he had 3 conditions.

“First, I don’t want to kiss the chimp, because they all have bad breath. Second, I don’t want anyone to know about it, and no cameras recording of the event.”

The scientists agreed to the first two demands and asked what the third demand was.

“You’re gonna have to give me some time to come up with the $1000, since I don’t have it right now.”

– Ripped from Reddit

Choking on a Coin

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help.

A man gets up from a nearby table, and with astonishing tranquility, without saying a word, lowers the boy’s pants and squeezes his testicles.

The boy yells and spits out the coin. The gentleman with the same tranquility returns to his table without a word.

Soon, the mother calms down and approaches the gentleman to thank him for saving her son’s life.

She asks, “Sir, are you a doctor..?”

“No, ma’am,” comes the reply. “I’m an Assistant Commissioner of Income Tax”

“We are trained to squeeze everyone’s balls to make them cough up the last penny.

—Big D

Tech Support

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people’s love advice was hilarious and genius! The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

—Big D

Coming Home Drunk

Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking up his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best as he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.’


As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas.

One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab and drove away.

A week later, he came back for a fill up. Again, he got out of the car with the umbrella and opened it, but this time he just stood there watching me work. I asked, “So you’re not gonna use that to keep the sun off me this time?” and he retorted, “Watch it, young man. Fuel me once, shade on you. Fuel me twice, shade on me!”

— T.O.R.

A reporter is doing a piece on how Uk farmers release sexual frustration

A reporter is doing a piece on how Uk farmers release sexual frustration .

He starts in Scotland. He goes to the first farm and asks the farmer. “How do you release your sexual frustration?”

The farmer replies “I fuck one of my sheep. Their pussy is very like a woman’s.”

Reporter :- “And do you have a special technique?”

Farmer :- “Sure! I lead them to the dyke, put the back legs in mee wellies and the front legs over the dyke then take it from behind.”

The reporter thanks the farmer and moves on to Wales

Again he asks the farmer “How do you release your sexual frustration?”

The farmer replies “I fuck one of my sheep.”

The reporter asks what his technique is and the farmer replies. “I lead them to the fence, I put the back legs in mah wellies and the front legs over the fence then take I fuck it from behind.”

Again The reporter thanks the farmer and moves on to England.

The same first question is asked and the farmer also replies that he fucks his sheep

The reporter asks what his technique is and is told. “I lead them to the field’s gate, put the back legs in my wellingtons and the front legs over the gate , I can then take it from behind.”

Again The reporter thanks the farmer and moves on to Ireland and the conversation goes like this

Reporter:- “How do you release your sexual frustration?”

Farmer:- “To be sure, I fuck one of my sheep I do.”

Reporter:- “And what is your favourite technique?”

Farmer:- “Well I gets the sheep and ah pit it’s back legs in ma bitts an’ the front legs owner ma shudders then I fuck it.

Reporter: “Wow! That’s really interesting, farmers in Scotland, Wales and England all say they put the front legs over a wall, fence or gate.”

“WHAT???” Says the farmer. “Nae kissin’ ??”

— T.O.R.