Things I Learned From My Cat

Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can’t get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that’s why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, “I care”.

Things I Learned From My Cat
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Boys don’t Cry

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It’s bad enough when your life has gone to crap, but when people start nagging you to express yourself… Then you know you’ve got to dig deep and get over whatever is bugging you quickly before the shit gets out of hand.

Boys don’t Cry
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Dog Peeves

So what irks man’s best friend? Here’s a list of 10 things that might just be your pooch’s top 10 pet peeves:

1. Passing gas and blaming it on me… not funny… not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking… I’M A DOG, YOU NUMBSKULL!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose… stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Woooo-Hooooooo! Oh, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven’t you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.

Dog Peeves
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