Category Archives: Jokes

A French, German, and Italian spy are sent out on a mission. Unfortunately they were all captured. The captors come into the cell and grab the French spy. They drag him into the next room, and put him in a chair with his hands tied behind his back. They brutally interrogate him for two hours before he finally told them everything he knew. Afterwards they brought him back to the cell and threw him in with the others.
Next they grabbed the German spy. Again they dragged him into the next room, put him in a chair with his hands tied behind his back, and interrogated him mercilessly for four hours before he cracked and gave them everything they wanted to know.
Finally they dragged out the Italian. The interrogation started out the same way, but as the hours passed, the tortures became more brutal. Finally 16 hours later, they gave up trying to get the last spy to talk. They tossed the half-dead Italian into the cell with the other two.
The Frenchman and the German were impressed. They asked the Italian how he managed not to talk. The Italian spy replies, “I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands!”

A man had just bought himself a high performance sports car. He decided to take it out for drive on the open road to see just what his new toy could do. Not long into his ride, a cop pulls up behind him and turns on the lights, but the man was in one of his feistier moods. He floors the accelerator and leaves the cop in the dust. After he put two miles between himself and the cop, he came to his senses. He pulled over and waited.
The cop pulled up about a minute later. He got out of the cruiser and and approached the driver casually leaning up against the boot of the car. “I’ve had a really long week, and don’t feel like going through all the paperwork hassle brought on by your little antics back there,” said the officer. “I tell you what… If you can come up with an excuse I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The driver paused for a moment and said, “Well Officer, my wife ran off with a cop last week, and I thought you might be trying to bring her back.”
“Have a good day, sir,” replied the officer as he headed back to his cruiser.

A man is at a gun shop looking to buy a new scope. The scope is on a rifle and he is looking through it out the window seeing if he likes it. Suddenly the man exclaims, “Oh sweet! Check it out! A naked chick and guy.”
The shop owner picks up a nearby set of binoculars to see and says, “Fuck! That’s my wife and another man.”
The shop owner tells the guy, “If you take these two bullets and shoot my wife in the head and that guy’s dick off, I will give you the scope for free.”
The man says “OK, but I think I’ll only need one bullet.”

A priest and a rabbi are driving down the road when, inexplicably, they get into a head on collision. Both are fine, and as they get out of their cars they start arguing intensely as to who was at fault. After a few minutes of finger pointing, the rabbi says, “This is ridiculous. We’re both men of God. We shouldn’t be arguing.”
“You’re right,” says the priest. “We should be better.”
“I have an idea,” the rabbi said. “I have a case of Manischewitz in the trunk. Let’s drink together to bury the hatchet.”
Lo and behold, one bottle survived the accident and the rabbi opens it and hands it to the priest. The priest takes a huge gulp and attempts to pass it to the rabbi. “Aren’t you going to have a drink?” he says.
The rabbi says, “I’ll wait until the cops show up.”

An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas.

She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response.

When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. “This is Bob. May I help you?”

“Bob,” a bewildered woman caller finally spoke. “Where is Bill, and who are those two women he’s with?”

The town’s most popular prostitute was getting pretty tired of her run-ins with the law. To help weed out the undercover fuzz looking to bust her, she instructed her trusted jons never to ask for sex, but rather ask her to do their laundry.

The police eventually caught on to her scheme, but someone had tipped her off. When an undercover cop came up to her holding out a twenty, she casually remarked, “That’s not very much, so maybe you ought to just do that load by hand.”

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Mary’s.

The other two women wonder why Mary never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Mary, “Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?”

“Well,” says Mary, “when I wake up in the morning, I look over at my husband. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”

“What if he has an erection?” asks one of the women.

“Honey,” says Mary, “on a day like that, you don’t do the laundry!”

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my frog.”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your frog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your frog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his frog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his frog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the frog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your frog.”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

A couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the wife saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the wife would make the same comments about how dirty the neighbors laundry looked.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Would you look at that! She finally learned how to do the wash correctly!”

The husband said, “Actually, I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

Bubba didn’t know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.

The sign said “Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair”.

Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my best Texas drawl.”

They go in and Bubba says, “I’ll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and ……”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re from Arkansas, aren’t you?”

“Well…yes,” says a surprised Bubba. “How come you know that?”

The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners.”

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, “Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?”

“Well,” replies the other, “I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says ‘You can have anything you want!'”

“Good choice,” says the first, “her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

A recent college graduate got hired by the human-development center of a large corporation to train the employees in proper dress code and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man who was casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

“Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?” she said in a scolding tone.

“That’s one of the benefits of owning the company,” the man replied with a grin.

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, her daughter, Angie said, “Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”

The mother indignantly replied, “Angie, how dare you talk about your father like that!”